Drums and Roses

My next target for adding to my drums collection is cymbals. since i've got my double paddle and piccolo snare, the next big thing would be killer cymbals and i know just the right one to get at the right price :D check it out...


uh.. yeah ideally would be this one.. but no..



er.. yeah even better a set of this.. but for now.. no







voila!! this!! heheh stagg cymbals they kinda look like HHX but sounds crisp too so yeah.. my target for now

In The Valley

Ladies and Gents.. I'm only human, and humans are entitled to face failures sometimes. It's been a while since I've felt this lost actually. I've always held my head high and thought through things before actually acting on something. I weigh my choices and look at the options I have and find the best way to reach the goal I've placed in front of me. Even the small things that I was left to choose I'll give it sometimes of thought before acting and all these thinking and planning made my path clear and focused. Right? WRONG!!

As soon as I thought I was on the right track, and that I've done the right thing by choosing to do Theological studies I was thrown with options and others distractions and attractions. I thought it was the one right thing that I can even do with my choice right? I mean people around me look and say "whoa.. you're gonna be like your dad eh? going to be a pastor?" hah WRONG again (this time not on my side) I never saw myself being a pastor now seriously. I've always had a heart for missions and media. So I'm sorry to disappoint all of you out there who think I'm on the track of being a pastor like my dad or someone else. I did not go into theological education to come out with a beaming degree in theology that enables me to sorta walk up to people and say "I am Pastor James!" or whatsoever. None of that was ever taken into account. It was for my own growth and insight so I can be more effective in my future task or at least am able to answer questions thrown at me, it was to help me develope a mind and heart that is Christ centered and not just head knowledge that wasn't even really capable of understanding the true meaning of being a Christian.

As hard as it was for me to make the decision to enter into theological enducation, it is even harder for me now to consider my next step from here. Not to say i don't trust God or anything. I honestly believe in His sovereignty and His faithfullness in providing for those who honor and serve Him. But i also believe that sometimes we have to make a conscious decision as to whether we want to do His bidding or not and that does not necessarily mean we have to go to wherever people see fits the puzzle. Sometimes He uses us in different ways than that of which we could imagine. I'm certainly now in a place where i can no longer see any light or any road or any direction that I should be going in. I feel totally lost, like i am in the valley or darkness. I need a miracle, i need a sign, i need God to show right now i need to know what to do or i'm just gonna sit here and wait until something happens.

It brings tears to my eyes when i think of the things i've done, or the so many times i've screwed up and made bad choices and what's worse than thinking it's the right thing and then to have to turn back and say i blew it after people see a worth in backing you up and to see all that support just seemingly go to waste? I don't know but i can't bear the thought of making people think i'm not a finisher because i can't finish something i was so determined it was the right thing for me to do. I need to just pray until i hear an answer. oh God..

Dancing on the clouds

Say so most of you have heard of my trip to Sarawak haha.. well i'm officially in MIRI!! woohoo :D
The journey wasn't as expected tho.. The flight was set for 3p.m. so i took a bus from Bangsar area where I waited for like (seems like) ever for the bus to Sentral. Thankfully Ju was there waiting with me even though it was as hot as hell... From Sentral I didn't have time to go get what i needed/wanted coz of the lack of time so immediately i went on the AirAsia bus and headed for LCCT. Met up with my parents there then ate at McD and then checked in our luggage. So we moved on into the waiting hall for our plane at about 2:20 so we waited patiently :) till the clock struck 2:40 there was still no sign of our plane... then the dreaded part of the wait came.. the announcement ring haha.. "ladies and gentleman, bla bla bla..." the flight was delayed for an hour and 20 mins... wth???!!! ah... i knew i should've just went shopping earlier on haha wanted to buy a rubix cube actually but didn't sheesh totally should've. So finally 4:20 and our plane came.. but yeah.. guess what we only took off at 5ish.. then there was one guy who complained to the stewardess and all claim for free food yadda yadda haha which was funny just watching and kinda embarassing as well when my parents were also talking to him and all lolz..
(but we do get to claim actually eheh)
anyways.. on to the journey we took off in a cloudy hazy dark sky.. sent off by a kumulunimbus cloud.. too bad i didn't have my dad's camera with me otherwise could've totally took awesome shots. the skyline was just beautiful at 37,000 ft with rolling clouds, thin clouds, then there were parts where the plane was sanwiched by clouds on top and below it's just amazing and showing how God is such an awesome designer and creator.
we landed at about 7:20 and my bro picked us up.. went to an awesome house...

the house from outside

the guest book

the awesome room ( i was supposed to stay here too) but if i did no updates d haha

lovely fruit basket

... and they got a kitchen too

Then we went for dinner after dropping their(parents) stuff at the house. OH and there's a Jalan Bunga Tanjung here haha just like Penang.. although it was too dark to see anything Josh still took us round here and there to see the town lolz..

makan time haha!! seafood!!

more food..

my bro's ride


and... finally that's me with Percy haha (josh's cat)


guess that's it for now.. the cat has been jumping up and down.. running here and there going crazy and all lolz.. that's all for today haha more pics will be up on facebook tomorrow hopefully :D

Blog transfer

For those of you know follow, although it's a small number to none i presume hahah, i've always had two blogs, one tabulas account and this one. both serving different purposes with tabulas being more a daily thingy (although not daily updated) or a what i'm going through update and this blog being a more artistic or poetic, sharing thoughts kind of a blog.

however i've decided to change the method and combine both blogs into this one so the tabulas will be sort of left to die :D with a notice that i've changed to this one. so yeah do check back for more updates :D

Word For Today

Rules For Handling Anger (2)

Let each one of you speak truth... - Ephesians 4:25 NKJV

Rule 2: Keep it non-lethal. Paul writes: 'In your anger do not sin... ' (Ephesians 4:26 NIV). What do Paul's words mean? Don't let your anger escalate to the point of doing damage. Don't use your words as a weapon or a control mechanism. It's okay to express your emotions in a healthy way, but keep them in check. Your goal must be to resolve the problem and strengthen the relationship, not 'sound off' and wound the other person. Is this easy to do? No. You'll need a good strong dose of grace to do it. Words spoken in jest, sarcasm, self-righteousness or 'righteous indignation' wound people, sometimes permanently. '... Perverseness [of the tongue] breaks the spirit.' (Proverbs 15:4 NKJV). '... A crushed spirit who can bear?' (Proverbs 18:14 NIV). 'The tongue can bring death... ' (Proverbs 18:21 NLT). Angry words, once unleashed, can: '... Go down into a man's inmost parts' (Proverbs 26:22 NIV). Your words can live in the heart and memory of a person and go all the way to the grave with them. We say, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,' but it's not true. A person can die of a crushed spirit, and the one who spoke the words can live to regret the damage they inflicted and never get a chance to undo it. On the other hand, anger properly handled never needs to be repented of. So learn to differentiate between the anger you feel and the words you speak. Anger carefully thought through, can reveal important information about needed changes. Focus on that, and ask God to show you what needs changing in the other person; and you!

All of us - a song by Blindside

As soon as you stepped through my door,
I saw You for the first time all over again.
And time well spent seems
Lonelier than the way it used to go.

As I smell you for the first time all over again
I'll begin to remember to be alive
So if you don't mind
I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve,
'Cause I'm tired of not being able to breathe.

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.
All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark

I've felt a loss for some time
I slipped, stumbled, but fell face first
straight into your hand.
Then I hit my head on your palm
And waking up to the smell
Of tears drying up in the sand

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.
All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark

I washed my wounds with tears of hope.
I washed my wounds with tears of hope.
I just ...

All of us are searching for an open arm
Well, it's a shame how I pull myself apart.
When it's the same words making me run for cover to your arms.

(All of us are searching for an open arm)
When it's the same words making me run for cover to your arms.
(All of us are searching for an open arm)
(All of us are searching for an open arm)

The Easter Post

A man traveling through the great city once known to have the most glorious building known as the Temple, once stood in all its magnificent glory now only in a rubble and one wall standing...

As he stood there staring at the enormous wall..things began to twirl around felling dizzy and unsure of what was happening he felt himself lifted up and began spinning till everything went black..

When everything finally came to a stop he slowly opened his eyes.. must've been a bad headache he thought to himself. As he turned around to walk back to his lodge he noticed from the corner of his eye something different about the wall, so he turn about to get a better look again and true enough the wall was different. It was proper and no cracks to be found on it no eroding bricks or broken edges was seen.. "What happened?!" panicking he quickly looked around hoping to find something familiar. But to his horror the buildings around him before were gone, he could see only dirt covered huts a little distance away, small square buildings were the only sort of buldings seen around. The roads were dustier than ever and then he noticed people wearing robes in front of what was the temple front, but their robes werre different from what he saw earlier at the wall and now there was no one facing the wall. He hurried down to see what was happening.. The Temple stood there.. There was no longer a mosque on the flat concrete, there was no concrete! It was the temple he was facing. Suddenly the people in front of the temple noticed him. They shouted "Who are you?!" and "What are you doing there?," He couldn't find the words to answer, the language he learnt was a little different.. suddenly someone shouted "He's a spy!!" realizing he was in deep trouble, he turned and ran as fast as he could toward the little houses, the closest he could find looking for a place to hide. He ran and ran, turned at corners trying to avoid anyone in sight looking for an open door or a hole he could just run in to hide, then he saw a small opening at the end of one of the lanes and dashed toward it as fast as he could but as he turned.. Wham!! he ran into a big wall.. he didn't see it there before.. again he was in a daze.. everything went blank and all he could hear was the ring in his head from the hit..

...to be con't..

Making Decisions

In life there's so many things we go through that shape our life, shape our values and goals at the end of the day. We grow up under the tender and loving care of our parents for those of us who are blessed to see our begotters till our mature age. They choose the things that they deem to be purposeful, things that will help us grow, nurture us to grow up to be good people. Luk 11:11 "Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he?.....(11:13) So if you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children..."

As we grow older we are given more responsibility and more choices to make. Instead of being fed, we have to work for our food. Slowly and under careful watch we learn the lesson of choice and consequence and we learn to be responsible mature adults at the end of the day. I for one am an example of this lesson and have grown to appreciate the times i am able to discern for myself the things which i'm called to. Yes it's true i've made choices that do not reflect the Father, but i'm under his gracious love and careful watch. And to my lost it took me so many years of my intellectual age to realize this truth and reality of life.

Even to the many mistakes I've made along the way from growing up given the chance to make mistakes, fall and pick myself up again I'm ever thankful for His mercy and care. Through the years I was in college, picking up bad habits and falling time and time again into temptations to fall short I'm ever tried and torn in the reality that I still haven't awaken to face which is that i can't do it on my own. From the time i've finished college to the transition of work i continue to make choices that saddens the Father as He watches with pain and always longin to see me turn back to Him.

It's when i finally lost the reason for fighting for my life and being called by the helper that i finally looked back to him. And when i did, He called. I answered without hessitant. My plans and goals, put on hold, even some were totally thrown away. However, even as i answered that call and went to seminary it was a blunt, blind and goalless path with my eyes so filled with my own desires. I was still falling in my ways and though in a seemingly safe environtment I was running away, making my own decisions, putting the "ME" at the centre of my life. It took me a year after to realize that the "I" was sitting and ruling my own heart. I cried, and i wept when i realized my foolishness in my own ways.. I've hurt the father so many times that an earthly father might resort to disown a son, but He so lovingly shed His blood that i might be forgiven and made whole so i may come to Him again.

I thought to myself that if i had gone away to another place to learn more of His word I might not turn out half as bad as i went. But the truth in the matter is that no matter where i went, if my heart wasn't prepared i will end up the same as i am in my possition here. It's to the realization that He needs to be the centre and on the throne of our hearts that will transform us into submitting to His will.

i do not deny the fact that there is a chance i might be different from what i went through here if i went abroad, but when i do come back as a different person so to speak what impact will it cause to the lives of those i mingle with here. They will but look at me and say "OH, He's changed now we can't go near to him..."? Is that the person i want to see myself become? Yes i do want to change into a better Christ-like person but i see myself being placed here so that my change gradually will also gather those around me to be changed into what He's called us to. And it is my prayer that i will be a light unto this world more and more each day, a life i will myself to sacrifice for the sake of His Kingdom and His love. I still am learning to be more and more like Him. It's a lesson and a choice of surrender and submission to Him in which i have to make each day.

Making Decisions  POSTED AT 03:09 AM January 26th, 2009

Praise Belongs To You

Gave me life
Washed me clean
Took my sins
upon the cross
Shed your blood
bore my shame

pre# now all i live is for Your name
All my days proclaim Your fame

Ch# I'm gonna sing Your praise
Gonna raise it to the ends of the earth
gonna praise You till the end of days
My life i choose to live for You
All Glory and Praise to You
Jesus my praise belongs to You

Showed the world
You love so great
To give Your live
a sacrifice
So that all
Might be called to you

**
Now all I'm called
Is to give my all
All you want is
for me to take your love
to all the world

Change? What change?

The recent things happening around us in this lifetime are changing for the better or the worse as we deem it good or bad for us. Everyday changes are happening around us, some that we know and others that we know not of.

Our life as Christians should be one that has undergone change the day we first received the gift of salvation and that if we really, truly in our hearts know the meaning of salvation. What does it mean to enter into the kingdom of God? Are we in for the amount of 'blessings' we are able to get from Him? are we then, in it for the sake of His love for us that He had given us His life?

A lot of us pray for change to happen. We ask God to change our situation, we ask Him to change our bosses, we ask Him to change those around us, or those more righteous will ask God to change our lives, or change the world to be a better place. Asking Him to change our community, our nation, and lives. But do we look inside the center of it all? Why isn't anything happening? why do we still see the world to be a place full of brokenness, where revival is not happening or seems so near yet so far.

We are not in need of change. We are lacking in repentance. God has given in us the cross everything. We ask for more of Him, more of the Holy Spirit, but the truth in the matter is that He has given us more than we need. The cross has said it all, He has given it all. The question is are we letting Him work in us, through us. Do we allow Him to use us. If we truly genuinely have experienced the gift of salvation, the grace he has shown us, if we really understand the meaning of his death on the cross that change that we so ask of Him for will happen starting from within us because He has enabled us through the power of the Holy Spirit.

If we Do not repent don't talk about change, if we don't make a choice, don't talk about change.. If only we repent, turn from our own ways, understand the grace that He has given us and make that conscious decision to change then only change will take place. We can't change if we keep on praying "God change me" and do nothing about our own lifestyle. If we do not align our world view to the way God sees things how will change take place?

We need to turn from our wicked ways, take up our cross, follow Jesus. Do we have the heart for the lost? Do we see those around the way God sees them? He has died on the cross for all of them even the neighbor you hate so much, even the junkie that you despise. The fact that He has died on the cross says that they are worthy to receive his gift. Who are we to judge whether he or she is worthy of receiving the saving grace of the Father? Judge not lest we be judge by the measure in which we judge. We are called to tell of the goodnews, the gospel of the cross to everyone regardless of who they are, so unless our minds are renewed and our worldview changed, that we start reaching out to those around us that change will happen according to God's plan and purpose.

life isn't

life isn't just about earning or making a living, it's not just about establishing our carreer

life isn't about going for what we want

it's not about fame and fortune

yea

but what surrounds me now is all that crap and the need for that trash

everyone is striving to make their piece while some of us are left out cast coz we don't meet "their" standards and feel distress that everyone is turning that way

feeling hopeless becasue the ones that were close to them indulge in things that will take away their life

Nobody Knows

Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
That I sometimes cry
If I could pretend that I'm asleep
When my tears start to fall
I peek out from behind these walls
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows no

Nobody likes
Nobody likes to lose their inner voice
The one I used to hear before my life
Made a choice
But I think nobody knows
No no
Nobody knows
No

Baby
Oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown
And I've lost my way back home
I think nobody knows no
I said nobody knows
Nobody cares

It's win or lose not how you play the game
And the road to darkness has a way
Of always knowing my name
But I think nobody knows
No no
Nobody knows no no no no

Baby
Oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown
And I've lost my way back home
And oh no no no no
Nobody knows
No no no no no no

Tomorrow I'll be there my friend
I'll wake up and start all over again
When everybody else is gone
No no no

Nobody knows
Nobody knows the rhythem of my heart
The way I do when I'm lying in the dark
And the world is asleep
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
Me

Want You

Started off as friends
I-was walking down the hallway
When-you caught my eyes
Stared at each other
And it seemed like forever to me

You smiled and looked away
Walk with your friends— out-the doorway
Hooked up the next day
Came a long way from there
Now we’re falling apart….

Am I tired of being used
Or is it something I won’t do
Could it be, just the thing, that we do
Coz all the time, we’ve waited for this moment
There’s nothing right, just feelings and emotions
Stirred about us, left by the others
What could it be?
(I’d want you)

You told me you’d never leave me
You said it’ll be forever, never to end..
Sold me out, thrown-me-out-the-window
Now you want me
You want it back….

jamest (c) 2008 tuesday november 04, 2008

Looking Up

Sometimes looking around us brings a sense of helplessness. trying to decern the things that happen in the past and present situations, hoping to get something out of it. Many times i've made decisions i will go head on with till the day i die but as i look back some of those i've made i now live in regret of making those impulsive conscious decisions that affect the lives of those around me as well. as i look up i find that the sovereignty of the one above is too much for me to handle. I've tried not to think of the things that will wear me down but sometimes i just can't help it. 

Feelings inside me can churn me up that the wounds i experience outside are nothing in comparison the the cut i feel inside. As i sit in one corner and she in the other i reflect on what we've shared and what we've selfishly decide making things look so complicated when simple and simple when meant to be complicated. Nothing is what it seems to me now.. i question some of what i hold to be valueble and create new values of life from those deceased words of experience.

Everything is Beautiful

Worn out, Wasted

Like bird with broken wings

Sometimes grace reminds me

I don't get to be the king...

but love it washes over

love it pulls me closer

love it changes everything..

everything is Beautiful

even when the tears are falling

i don't need a miracle to believe

even in the crashing down

i can hear redemption calling

and everything is beautiful to me

sweetly you release me

from the weight of what i've done

the trigger pulls the hammer

but the bullets never come..

love like a landslide, like the wind

spins around and pulls me in

and it's unveiling i begin....

Solitude, Silence and Prayer

I'd say the ideal way to living life to the fullest is being in a fellowship of those tuned in to the truth revealed about the one God. I find myself seeing the the possibility of seeking out a place of solitude only with those disciplined and full of the wisdom of God. The call to a life of silence, only speaking nothing but profound and wise words, words of truth about the reality of this world, all seeking for more enlightenment and revelation from the Creator Himself. The world in all seems to produce more and more misconceptions about life including those of credentials of knowledge made by the folly of man. I find that if only we lived in tune with the ways of God, we will understand the wisdom and folly in existence all around us. If we tune ourselves away from the distractions of this world and focus only on the truths that the Father has placed in our lives we'll be able to find the peace and wisdom through prayer.

Faceless Man

People write about things they feel in the present state they're in or about the thoughts they have hogging over them for a period of time. Sometimes it's just a random fact or fortune that they put into existence.

All the works done by an artist sometimes aren't appreciated or seen of any value until a later part in history or when they die perhaps? No form of recording were available in time of their creating the pieces of expression. Certain number of their contribution are accepted by the general society but yet most of it are considered worthless cept-by a small group of non-conformist who find those left out by society to be intriguing in a certain way making sense out of the things that mean nothing to the rest of the world. Yet the most wonderful and priceless pieces of expressions are no where to be found unless they are brought back from the dead to record the things on their mind. The journeyman writing has but many of his visions left in the secret of his mind left unpublished in the other world. Those revealed are nothing but a fraction of the pertaining ideas hidden in the tunnels of his imagination, unreachable, untouchable, never able to be brought out due to lack of the sciences still far away from discovering truth even about the existance of this world from the perspective of man who presumes there is no god but yet fail to find an answer to their theories of existance.

One man embarks on a journey of his life finding no peace in everything he does even though his perception of life lies in the faith of his childhood that there is a greater one out there. This world however has many-a-times ill treated the journeyman and his thoughts of wisdom left unattended to and dismissed by the aged and seemingly wise to the standard of their calculation. Yet as young as the journeyman might seem, the hiddden treasures lay burried until the day a soul is able to unearth the secrets of the black heart of the faceless man. The journeyman lays faceless in this world of a million beings unaccounted for but only known by the one above. Trapped in the severity of the proud big men in his lifetime, the pride of those seemingly wiser and experienced in life or so it seems but yet fail to live out the words they speak and preach; it all goes to the dust and the wind comes and carries them away. The journeyman, strives to reach the state of better imperfection that those before him have tried to but fail, even though the road which he travels on seems impossible as there is no end to the road he sees yet his faith tells him to go on and on till the last breath is drawn.

Journeys through the mountains and valleys are part of the road, steep and stable are the terrains of life. This is the road that the faceless man has chosen, not to accomplish anything for his own pride and honor but that one day his face might be brought high in the high places by the judge of life.

Calling Quits?

People say don't do things only to end up giving up half way through. I find that true though it only applies to certain things in life. There are some things better calling quits than letting it distract you from all priorities and sometimes this calls for a sacrifice to be made sometimes not just one but a whole package of sacrifices which could include what ppl call friends and members. Still it's under comtemplation and available for second thoughts. Though i agree music is one of my passion i still find that somethings aren't as necessary as it would seem. Even though it's been in my list of things to do which is starting a band i think it's time i give up on one and take on another, a better one perhaps? Oh well, though it could be in regret leaving one or if lucky two valueble friends otherwise it's all been dealt with by the way things goes of taking into consideration a "family" as what people seem to asume to be treated. It's not to say i wouldn't miss the company for the short span of time that was there but it could be something to lay aside seeing it might not be worth putting so much effort into if all you might get in return is a group of exclusives hungry for high society companions and there willing for a period of time and when all's worn thin moving on to the next victim. Buddies or not sometimes.. if not as a fact: nothing in this world last anyway.

I've much a many times felt like quitting on my pursuit for depth of insight and knowledge but i know if i push on in this, the end would be rewarding. Yes, i'm behind many of my assignments however i'm still gonna push through and brush aside petty matters that were around to pull my attention away from what's more important which is what i've already set my goal on in the first place.

pebble thoughts

Sun rise in the break of dawn
Where ever you've gone
I know you're alone
The promises i made
were meant to last
though the memories
seem like dust
my thoughts of you will stay the same

Skies turn grey from blue
Waves crash on shores of rocks
from dawn to dusk
our love will last
till end time comes
or one of us gets taken away
while time permits my trust
these are my pebble thoughts

winds change without our knowing
life can be harsh
on us we know
the sanctity of life
still remains true
and one day
when it breaks down
it's all up to us to hold our trust

love can be tested
still i'll never back down
one step at a time
i'll make you mine
and for that ever, we'll find


words by jamest 01:46 sep 25 2008

ramblings of the empty hearted. souless maybe?

so.. tell me the meaning of life.
well life is kinda hard to describe. there's always mountains and valleys we need to scale.

the view from the mountain is magnificent. but to get there. thats the hard part. isnt it?
yeah. as hard as it may seem when you reach up there, the prize is just rewarding. as easy at the valley would be, i mean yeah you'll see the beauty if it right in front of you but the vision is close if not too far, but the mountains.. you'll see everything

what then do we say of men spawning evil in their cores? of evil men of evil deeds that know no bounds, tied in the hearts of those closest to us. how then do we save them? the lost, the broken and the damned?
the lonely?

now lets talk about a girl. story of a girl perhaps?
maybe

tell me. how would you describe her?
awesome person, fine person to talk with.. with some depths perhaps?

she's found love. and that resonates. gives hope in a way. that, that ill natured feeling is somehow and someways still out there. truth often comes from the least expected places. so if love is real. where the hell is it? not here in me that is.
hope? oh that which play us so many a times. when exactly do we see it? do we feel it? or do we understand the true meaning of the word? truth is hope is never too far away yet sometimes we just can't reach it.. she's the valley he's the mountain. a perfect blend that causes it all to resonate.

aight. thats all for now. thank you for tuning in to the mindless ramblings of me,
and me. peace out.

conversations of the sages 2008 09 05

Larut

Dewa - Larut
Mungkin aku pernah juga..
Merasakan cinta..
Tapi tak pernah..seindah ini..

Mungkin aku juga pernah
Merasakan rindu..
Tapi tak pernah..Sedalam ini

Mungkin kamu takkan pernah..
percaya..
Bahwa sesungguhnya..
aku t'lah terjatuh.

Chorus:
Kuakui aku telah larut
Larut ke dalam
Kamu yang kucintai

One of my fav songs from indo.. :D

Creator God

You made the stars
The sand on the shores
Your hands formed the earth
and made me from dust
You spoke words into life
Your breath springs forth new things

And above all You made me alive
Brought me new life

When I come before your face
I want to lift You high
In this place
Lord I long to see you come
Dwell in this place
Lord in this place
My creator God

Freedom

I find myself in solitude
when the weekend comes
The things that matter seem
nothing more than the past
Yet the past predicts the future
The more i struggle
The more i grow dissatisfied
As night draws closer
i grow weak and tired
where's the help that was promised me?

* I scream!! Why am i forsaken?
Is it true i'm never alone?
Ev'rything shows i'm broken
i'm vulnarable and open
Yet i look to find reason
of why i'm alive and breathing
the reason i still live
in my search for freedom

i look to constitute at end
the things that comes by
All that matters before
brings worthlessness than value
though past predicts future
destiny's in our hand
and time is what's spent
As the day comes to end
the light of tomorrow shines
as new hope brings a new laughter

where can i run to?
what can i hope for?
in search of the freedom
that lies beyond all measure
that words man speak means nothing

words by jamest 2008 2310-005-007

Beautiful Song

really meaningful and sad.. and true

unlucky

I'm standing at the corner
My backs against the wall
I think that you are fine
wishin you were mine
Thinkin bout the things we'd do
imagine what life would be....
with you---
(but)

We weren't meant to be
Your love's too cold for me
I can't get your heart
You not even playing hard
to get
i'm just so not meant for this
just unlucky

at the prom from my corner
you seem to be alone
like you're looking for someone
was gonna make a move
then you turned around and smiled
i thought you were lookin at me
then he came (i guess)


_in progress
words by jamest 2008 0213-005-005

where i confide

The heavens so grey,
The moonlight fails to shine,
The earth's light aren't like a day,
darkness around is all i find

yet behind those clouds i find a line,
the silver streak in the sky,
the grace i receive can't be defined,
i can't help but ask why?

In the clouds i try to hide,
yet it turns our there's no place i can confide,
the alleys wet and cold,
the sidewalks scenes draws me old,

wishing things that won't happen,
the sea to turn red maybe?
it's like the day the sun shines over me
but the clouds stay and never return,

if only i could tell the good lord how i feel,
but hey doesn't he already know?
oh well guess thats what i know,
he hold everything and does it well.


where i confide by James (c) 2008 0110-004-029

what it means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

through time, the wait

if only i could find you..
I know you're out there..
Somewhere in that mass..
you're the glitter in the mess..

but where can i find you..
are you really out there..
someday will i find you..
one day in that big mass..

time flies by so quickly..
memories fade as the sunsets each day..
clouds billow so quickly..
as the wind carries them through the air..

the clock keeps ticking..
even when the moonlight shines so brightly..
everyday the wish for time to stop..
that beautiful moment to stay..

as waves hit the sand by the sea..
land is washed away..
as the clock keeps ticking each day..
life is being taken away..

all i wish to find you soon..
to find the glitter in the sea..
to share a moments so true..
under the moonlight so beautiful..
before the day gets too cold and we grow too old..

School that Rocks

Hmm.. I was trying to find some pictures i could throw in but i just couldn't find those that i thought would fit in. Well it's been a while since i've had time to sit in front of my computer and not know what to do and finally thought "maybe i should update my blog".

Just an update on my life.. I've started school once again after a whole year of hectic working schedule. I'm kinda excited actually that I've finally started doing something that I've looked forward to for a long time or at least 6 months. It's been the passion of my heart to learn more about God and i'm finally able to do that.

Two weeks into BTS and two reading materials already or actually it's only been a week of class. The first week was more of a retreat so it wasn't really assignments and all but more of a rest in God.

My name stained

The consequence of actions is the mark that is left after it's taken. Mine hasn't been too impressive nor is it sparing. The name that has been a mark of innocence is no more for the actions taken have been too deep a ravine of consequence. The name that has been a mark of reputation and discipline is no more and I've only myself to blame.

Why is it so, that people see you for what you've done and not what you can do. A spectacle of prejudice is put on each time someone has done something wrong. Their names are stained by their past actions though it's only but one mistake, the whole world knows and he's never to be forgotten for that. Each time someone sees the man they'll say "oh isn't he the guy that did ...."
or "wasn't he the guy that ..." It's a wonder why the negative image stays in peoples thoughts more than the positive. It's the reason why it's so hard for convicts to leave behind their past. The moment a man has been to prison, his chance of getting a well paid job is gone let alone get a job. As soon as an employer sees his records the smile on their faces turns to that of a disgust, looking down at the man who's trying to start a new life trying to support his loved ones. Not given the chance and missing the chance are two different things. when he is not given the chance to start a new, to find a source of provision he is forced to go back to where he was because it's the only way he knows that will help him to survive.

The question remains that why can't people be given a second chance. Have you not been given a second chance in your life? When you were a child, were you not numerous times given a second chance? a third chance? If only we could see the potential and not the mistakes.

untitled

do you see things in black and white?
or do you see if full of color like those of the flowers?
have you seen the beautiful fields of green
or are you surrounded in the urban grey sky of tox

Is the sea blue to you
or do you see black waters in rivers by
do you see blue skys and rain
or what you see are grey skies and poison drops

will the earth last till the dawn of tomorrow
or will it turn dark and dead in the near future
will it be tomorrow?
or it tomorrow already here?

~dedicated to pLaNet eaRtH, by James (c) 2007 2152-010-002

black and white

'

Let God speak

"..let God speak and i will listen.."
When God speaks do we listen? Are we expecting Him to speak to us? or are we prepared to listen to what He's telling us? Many times He's speaking to us but we ignore His voice. When He calls us we say we're too busy. But when we're in need we expect Him to answer us imeidately.

The severity of it is to the extent of negligence toward the things around us. A man lying in the street asking for help, we turn our heads and walk the other way. Our neighbor who's always being annoying toward us but today is in need, we ignore him and say he deserves it. The list of it goes on and on yet we keep asking God to give us a chance to show His love. When we ask for patience, do you think He gives us patience or does He give us the chance to be patient? or when we ask for kindness, does he give us kindness or does he gives us the chance to practice it. So be diligent and aware so when we're given the chance we see it and grab hold of it.

The Choice Is Yours!

If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in. - Revelation 3:20 NIV

Max Lucado writes: "Ever wonder why there were two crosses next to Christ? Or why Jesus was in the centre? Those two crosses symbolise one of God's greatest gifts - the gift of choice. The two criminals have much in common; convicted by the same system, condemned to the same death, surrounded by the same crowd, and equally close to the same Christ. In fact, they began with the same sarcasm; the two criminals each said cruel things to Jesus. But one changed. He said, 'Jesus, remember me when you come into Your kingdom.' Jesus answered him, 'I tell you the truth, today you will be with Me in paradise' (Lk 23:42-43 NIV). While we rejoice at the thief who changed, we dare not forget the one who didn't. There are times when God sends thunder to stir us. There are times when God sends blessings to lure us. But there are times when God sends nothing but silence, as He honours us with the freedom to choose where we spend eternity. We have never been given a greater privilege than that of choice. Think about the thief who repented. Though we know little about him, we know this: in the end, all his bad choices were redeemed by a solitary good choice. He chose Christ!"

No matter how many bad choices you may have made in your past, you can be redeemed by one good choice - the choice to give your life to Christ and follow Him. Will you make that choice now? If you do you'll never regret it.

Tian Xia Wu Shuang

very nice song

this is my life.. is it all i dreamt it would be?

Can't close my eyes in the middle of the night when i'm alone. Everything turns dark and dull when the lights go off and there's no one to turn to. Years have passed since the last time a day spent with someone i could share things with. It's been for a while if not too long since the memory of sharing a day and memories with someone called special. How the wishing of that day to come again lingers through the words that come out and as the clock strikes every second though not too desperately but the frank facts is the sudden thought of it dawning creates a realization that i'm not coping too well with the single notion of life. Having no one to hold dear and call precious is an irony or distress.

Been about 4 years since i've been out with someone special. How does it feel to not have that feeling of missing someone? or how is the toture of feeling like you're missing something but never being able to find it?. Sick and tired of being told where to go and where to be. feeling weak from being told who i am and who i'm supposed to be. Oh God when i be put off from this misery?

Treasure Life

Life is precious and it's always running out it's like a hourglass thats constantly moving to the other side. some hourglass just break into pieces and some run out of time faster than others..
The past few months have all seen loved ones and friends pass on. Yes it's' part of life cycle but yet sometimes we find it hard to accept and to let go of that person whom we love and treasure.
So it's time to look back at our lives and make right our ways of living thtis short life. Make full use of the opportunities given and use your talents wisely so when the time comes we'll be rewarded by our father in heaven.

Already Over - Red

You never go
You're always here (suffocating me)
Under my skin
I cannot run away
Fading slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now

My best defense, running from you
I can't resist, take all you want from me
Breaking slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now

You're all I'm reaching for
It's already over
All I'm reaching for!
It's already over now

I'd give it all to you
I offer up my soul
It's already over, already over now!

Give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again!
I know it's already over now!
It's already over now!
I know it's already over, already over

Love this song by red means a lot to me

Contemplation

It's been five months coming close to six since I've started working in LPAV. But lately I've been thinking to myself. Is this what i want? or Is this where i should be? I'm thinking if this is where God wants me? or is it where I want to be myself. It's been five months and there hasn't been much of a progress and it's still strining my spiritual walk with God and I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. Yet again i think to myself whether God has put me here to test me.
my trip down to PD has put a lot of questions to my being in this company and also a lot of strins to my thought of knowing what i want to do at this present time.
The fact that i'm planning to go to bible school also comes in to the picture as to whether i'm taking the right steps to ensure that and whtherni should persevere and hang in here to put my limits to the test to see how resilient i really am. I really need some guidance one this one. please God help me make the right choices.

life's a journey

In every walk of life there's always up's and down's. People grow tired of the schedules becoming a routine each day. Some people find it easy to be repeating the same thing day after day not having to use their brain power too much. While others prefer a new challenge everyday. Yet not everyone gets what they want.. To think that i'm starting to get bored of what i'm ding was unimaginable just 2 months ago but now.. i'm starting to feel the wear of the routined life of fixing up things and standing by. I pray i do get to go somewhere to do the first part of my dream which is taking videos and exploring on film. I'll get there one day..

Southtown-P.O.D.

the lapse of societal care

friend..

friend

Friend.. (what?)

friend(who?)

See.. this is the scenario
what's a friend when ya got none
where's that man? where's that friend?
they call you man i need yo help
you can't not help coz they your man
but what comes to it in the end
when you look for men they lose you
and you get them asking who

i stay wide
i go low
you get high when i say go
and when i say no you say hell boy what's with the no
i say yo fella come time for the bell ya
don't stick around for this yo fella
you treat me high when i was fine
but time goes by and when i say hi you don't even care
you just walk by and bye ain't coming out even when i greet ya
ya smile and stick it up to man behind me walking pass beside me

and that's the reason why i call it treason
ain't no other reason for a man to go to prison
and come out the same just like the day they gagged him and gave him the cane
what's with the name change does the heart remain the same
does the the life turn around
will society let him walk back around
thats the truth of the matter the world fall down in laughter

feb02-07

losing my head, losing you

It's only been what? a little less than two years since pops.
What's happened? I know it's a little too late to say this coz you can't hear it. but why? i'm frustrated and saddened by the choice made. Who will watch her now? Couldn't you take another alternative. You could've came back. You're not even with papa.. why? i can't stop asking this question. You know we love you and you can always turn to us, but i guess you didn't..
It's over now.. can't turn back time. the days spent have come to an end and there's no one left to pretend. what got to you? You..... i can't say anything now.. i can't..

when darkness turns to light

It ends tonight.. well what you might ask?
No not some relationship or anything.. not the good luck streak or whatever.. it's my pretty voice.. it just turned pretty sexy now.. well it was sexy after the UNITED concert lolz.. couldn't even talk properly.. oh right i was so close to cathing an autograph cd but missed coz i didn't make that jump in fear of hitting my lil mei mei and a really huge lady standing beside her XD wakaka.. forgive my insolence just can't help it.. i dun wanna fall into her though she might pick me up and toss me out the backdoor wahahaha.. XDXD okok i sound mean now.. right, lets talk about somthing else eheh.. oh guess i'm a lyricist for an independant band so some of the stuff you see here are for them. they're some hardcore amateur band so support them ya.. since i wrote their lyrics heheh.. Sad thing is.. youth camp moved from 11 to 12 so it also ends a day later instead of 15 it moved to 16 which clashes with the WWW thing i'm suppost to perform dang!! oh well maybe God says NO!!!! lolz.. i'll take that for ananswer lah.. see i'm a gud boy wahah. Nwy I've thought of an acoustic song.. so here are the lyrics

walking in history i -
found myself left in misery when -
i looked back at the things so -
stupid i thought i'd done right
but was so wrong

I couldn't stand to -
see the fall of the beacon light if i -
knew it would lead to this -
pain i'm feeling inside__
the void i am trying to hide___

Is anyone seeing
I'm falling, I'm falling down and down
Is anybody hearing my screaming
I'm screaming out aloud
To you, To^ \you


tobe continued...
jamestan © 2006

Stand in the Rain - Superchic(k)

She never slows down
She doesn’t know why but she knows that
When she’s all alone it feels like its all coming down

She won’t turn around
The shadows grow long and she fears
If she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from, wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

falling off the edge

Don't actually feel like posting anything but i am anyway..
Life sometimes can be so exhilirating with events and joy and yet sometimes it can tear your bones apart.. The silence makes you wanna scream. Tearing apart the white void that surrounds.. In times when you need people beside you those far away are acceptable for an excuse.. but those near you turn their heads away and show you their f***in bare back.. so in your face. as soon as you reach your hand to them. Then everything fades into the white.. So pure but yet filled with demons like lucifer drawin hell to you. the white so white... that it actually burns you.. then you start to see red.. your eyes swell up. Blood gushes from your pores.. your tears flow with crimson rivers... the fire torments you but you don't die.. your veins at the brink of bustin yet they stretch your every muscle to hurt you with the pain unbearable... everything around you is flames and flames not like those of a candle.. but those red hot lava flowing down burning anything in it's way. Just a touch of water is all you need. Screaming your agony and pain... you f'kin "friends" don't hear anything when you squirm in the inside longing for a hand to hold.. the noisy silence i call it.. you yell but there's no sound, no noise, no words nothing uttered in the endless void.. Is this all to life or is there more to the narrow pipe of disaster flushing down the dirt and shit of life.
The waves beat higher.. the storm spins faster... they pull you down.. drown you and drain your very last breath. you suffer the endless toss.. the bottomless depth the screaming plunge which can't be heard by selfish humans who care less bout anything but their own soul for cryin out loud. The writer sits at the edge of his seat. fallin off the edge of my seat.

The Depth Of My Being

Beneath the surface of this being lies the untouched mind.
Unformed to it's prefection by the world around the mind lies bare, vulnarable to the changes of sudden effects. sometimes shrinking it to the toughest state. writers blog some call it the mind can't think of anything. It's sources and libraries locked away. Still the undaunted raw mind be unencumbered and unending with thoughts waiting to see and be seen by the world. many find hard to understand and the mind is many times understated and underestimated. maybe if it's more refined and brought under fine supervision for a time to be unlocked and rearranged and then maybe it would become a powerful thing.

Of Sinners and the Forgiven

I was a sinner now forgiven
No one told me
I was wrong in my doing
How couldn't I see
Was i so blind
The truth passed by me
Couldn't set me free?

I saw no light only the beaten
Defeated in battle
I couldn't stand alone
No comrades beside
Was i alone
The arrows couldn't hit me
Couldn't they kill me?

But I held on
To Faith unseen but not ungiven
Hope bell rings in a distance
The battle was about to be won
My Lord He came and took me
To higher ground he brought me
I was a sinner but now forgiven
Not to be perfect just forgiven
Testify my hope to them people
so they may be forgiven too

Can't this life be less downing
The battles less hurting
The waters less drowning
I wish none of this was for us to go through
But then there's no reason for me to be anymore
So that's what i was created for

james tan © 2006 1409-010-019

life's a why and how

how life can be when a nail's stuck in the woodwork. when you've hammered the nail so deep that you can't pull it out. The nail become an eyesore after being left for long, rusted and old, staining the woodwork from the water that flows downwards as the rain hits. Leaving a mark and stain on the wood. No matter how the nail is being removed there's always a hole in the wood.

why is it that the hole can't be covered back to it's comdition before the nial was put through the wood? a new nail is being looked for to fill that gap. When the nail gets too rusted and expands in it's place it breaks the wood. Craking lines form around it as it rust and expands. It soon become a pain in the back for the wood. It's so hard to move it. how come the wood has to suffer? how come the wood can't regrow and repair itself off the nail's hole. why? why is the nail so selfishly wanting to stab the wood and not let go and putting a crack in the wood? In time to come the wood will break in two and the nail will lose out too. Is it so hard to remove a nail?

Where the love last forever

Sometimes everything just seems to fall apart. The picture frame breaks into a million pieces. When the last drop of water come for the rest of summer what happens next is drought.

How do you get something through a sheet of film without tearing it... sometimes pain of the ripping film of skin can hurt forever. The hole left inthe sheet can never recover. Sometimes You'll just hate yourself for putting that scar onto the sheet. The world hates you for it.
You wanna move on to the next moutain but your sleeves are cought in the valley.

friend of no man (sonnet)

A man is built from dust and sand
his fate is determined not less than his decisions
his indulgence in society is fragile not less than glass
his trust is built on pyramids of crystals upside down
standing on one point, of any imbalance the fall and crash
as hard as it is built easier still it come crashing down
trust and integrity takes long and deep efforts to build
time and sweat and even blood to an extent
the blood calls they say when a close friend is betrayed
the recklessness of society in handling a man
the incapabilities of individuals of fame and fortune
causes the fall and downhill ride for a man caught in the feud

of society's greed and lust
the latter is left a friend of no man

12:42 a.m. June 22, 06

The tragedy

See the world turn around in it's orbit and everything seems to be in order as some would see it. The world make s a better place for some while the brest surrers the impudence of mankind. What folly that man walks in degrading morality while advancing in technology. The hearts of man is void while they seek to find an answer to fill the empiness. Some through books and books flying through words secluding themselves from the real sufferings of man beyond their sight. So blinded by goals and gold that falls before their eyes ignoring the bloody sweat shed by those less "fortunate" working behind every riches that they see and touch but never theirs to keep. What makes them less fortunate? where else can man look then inside. The prejudism and pride of their hearts. Seemingly claiming themselves strong and 'the rest' weak. The weak it seems being suppressed and killed to fulfill the wants and 'needs' of the strong. What so blinds man is greed. What is greed then? Greed the source of all suffering in man against man towards man. Greed drives a man towards the hunger of power and superiority.

Nietzsche has said the rulers should fear the people not the people to fear the rulers. Revolution will cause a kingdom to stumble. Why the eligence of soldiers toward the ruler? Dying for one man's power? Is it worth the sacrifice? Equality in the ranks of men peace will be birthed. Thus the philisophy of communism. I'd say commonism the main thing. Yet in man greed always overpowers them wanting more. The founders of the philosophy itself never lived to see the perfect idea come to it's own distruction. In it because in the idea itself a man is placed to be over men. The world will never fall into order as long as man live as rulers over other men. How you spend the rest of your life depends on the beliefs and philosphy. Even the man who wonders in the street has his ideas and philosophy of life. Mind is given man to decern some better than others. The practices of man determines the ability and many misuse the wisdom and understanding to exploit those less able. Laws made to keep humanity in stablity, yet exist those in which the laws were created twists and manipulation of the written to their own exploits and gains. Tis the irony and tragedy

9 hardest times(snagged this from someone's blog XD)

9 hardest times of ones life:

1) being questioned when you yourself don't understand.

2) pretending to be innocent of what you know about.

3) trying to forget something you know you never will.

4) admitting you were wrong after you have been so insistent that you were right.

5) debating with yourself

6) accepting the fact that somethings are not meant to be.

7) trying to understand when you just can't.

8) realizing that you have been tricked after you've given your whole trust

9) parting and letting go of some you've loved all your life

Treasure life

Ever been around people who don't treasure life?

It stinks.. Life is already so prescious and fragile it could be taken anytime.
But yet around us there are people who take unnecessary risk in life recklessly risking life and wasting it away.

Reckless driving, Access driking, Pot etc etc I would come to consider this as suicide since it's wasting your life away not for the good and not looking after the temple of the Holy Spirit. Whatever we do with our bodies we're answerable to the one who made it. I'd say it's one of the talents given us to use it for the Master's glory and if we don't use it right we'd be cast to the darkest part of the earth so far, unredeemable.

And holding other's life in your hands.. what are we to say if we cause the death of other innocent people? what are we to say? In the end, everything we do we have to answer to Him who created and gave life to all creature

Which reality?

Lying down drowsily ready to sleep and call it a day. Noise come from the window near to your bed you doze off..
Then the next morning you wake up later than usual. You walk to the sink and sober up. You can't recall what happened last night but everything is normal. You walk out of your quarters and look around. You think it's sunday and head to the church. As you draw near there's not as many people as you thought there would be. You step inside and try to go to the sanctuary as you get closer to the door someone approaches you and wishes you 'good morning'. You smile and as you walk through the door someone else approaches you and asks if this was your first time to the premise. You think to yourself, ''don't they know me? I've been coming here for years and they act like I'm a stranger''. You walk to someone you think is familiar and he smiles to you as you approach. Before you could speak he asks for your name. You are shocked and asks "Don't you know who i am?" he replies gently as if he's not sure what's going on "no, who are you? You look around for another familiar face and ask the same question and get the same reply. You ask a few more people and all the same reply; no one knows you.
You stand in the corner trying to get yourself together. You ask someone what place this was and what's going on and he says "Oh, it's a club and we're having a meeting. We have it every sunday" "Would you like to be a member?" Confused, you ask him "are you all christians?" His face questions you question and asks "christians? what is that?" You stare at him in disbelieve and quickly leave the premise. You run as fast as you could trying to find someone farmiliar to talk to or to get an explanation. Everyone seems to be normal, nothing seemed to have drastically changed except no one knows who you are. As you run and run you vission blurs your mind cannot take the pressure and the change.. You fall to the ground looking at the sky people crowd around you to see what happened. Thing's fade slowly and you can hardly breathe and everything turns black..

So what it reality? which was the reality? What had happened? Was it a conspiracy? Did someone have something against you and paid everyone else to do this to you? Did the government erase your identity? Is it a dream? or did you wake up from another dream? Is this reality? Or was the days before this reality? or is it the new reality? What is it? What is truth? What's happening? What happened the day before? which is REALITY?

The Err is I

Ever felt like you’ve let go of something and it feels so much better? Sometimes it does happen and sometimes they just don’t come along the way you’d expect them to. Through the last year and a half I’ve been learning to let go of something that I thought was what I could hold on to but I learned some things the long and hard way. Through some heart aches and sleepless nights, I thought it’d better be for me to lose that rope I have around my neck. All the fallacy and errs that were shown were ignored to the last strand of hope inside the soul of the traveler who wishes to not be on a journey with no support. But alas he finds himself in a valley full of flowers behind high fences. Only able to admire their beauty from a distance but never able to touch, nor feel their presence. The only opening is along the fences on both sides where he is only able to walk through in a straight path towards the end of the valley at the end of the fences. How ironic, this valley full or gardens overflowing with flowers but all behind fences unable to be enjoyed nor touched by the outsider. The only thing the traveler can do is keep traveling until he exits the valley and a new world is shown and the valley is forgotten him and he the valley. Through night and day he travels the long valley only on the road has he space to rest. No bed no tent but on the damp ground of soil he settles down each night. Even the hill before had houses who took him in to rest which he stayed for a while before realizing he’s been staying in a place he shouldn’t be. He’s traveled the valley for almost 12 seasons and hasn’t seen the end. It sure is a long valley deep below the mountains. He sets his eyes on the hill ahead and heads there hoping to find a hut to rest a comfortably in. Looking back in the 10 seasons and all that has happened a conclusion he’s come to is the err is his with his face against a fence hoping one day to reach for a flower from the valley.

Temprements

i know i know.. the fruit of the spirit bla bla bla... self control.. bla bla bla.. but is there a time you just can't anymore?
Well i've been strugling a lot with that. I've been haveing bad days all the time and everytime i do something and i see that something rage and i dunno what else to say builds up and i just can't contain myself.. now that hardly ever anyone reads this outpost of mine wahahah.. but yeah does anyone ever read both of my outposts eh? Whatever... But the situation is driving me nutso.. What's the punch line? kick ass? just outwit and outwin.. but outwit what? my dumb brains? lolx.. my brain is not dumb though iam alittle dyslecxic(don't even klnow how to spell that) you'd never imagined huh.. i use to startle too.. even now sometimes.. and back to my brain is not dumd i'm not dumb. Just inteligent in a different aspect and in a sense lazy.. yeah.. hate me coz i'm lazy.. hahaha.. Throwin raves at "unnecessary" things that seem presumtuously small. What's the big deal and what's wrong? everythin, from the beginning to the end of time top to the botom north to south east to west.. everything is WRONG!! Blinded you are said Yoda waahahah.. life is sick, i'm sick. My conclusion YOU ARE SICK!!!!!!!!! to the core.. yes.. to the core..

Look to Jesus

Look at they skieslook at the seas
how great and awesome is he
even the birds have a place to dwell
how much more is His love
for you and i

what can we ask
what can't be given
it's only a question away
children draw close to his heart
then how much more is his love
for you and i

and we dance as we sing a love song to jesus
oh what a joy as our hearts fall down
before the throne of your mercy
and we cry out to You as we come in
to your mercy seat
and it's by your blood
that was poured out for me
this amazing love

come if you're hungry
come if you're thirsty
drink from the well
look to Jesus

April 7, '06

not even scient

what a phrase to remember... a quote from pastor Moses "you can't worship until you see the worth"
I was reading fishtail's post yesterday and i wrote an article but when i tried to post it the whole page went on an error.. well the post had nothing to do with what he posted recently but what was at the side under the profile corner. The writeout on Anapurna or also known as Macchapucchre or fishtail.. because when you see it fomr an angle it looks like a whale's tail, totally amazing when you see it face to face. Nepal is such a beautiful place with the mountains and ranges surrounding it. It reminds me of how great and big is our God and how everything was made beautiful.

Everything was beautiful until man took things into their own hands.. ignoring the truth that has been there before is here and will always be there. We start to have to sweat and toil to get what we need after the fall. But by the grace of God we lack nothing but in everything by prayer and suplication and with thanksgiving, we let our request made known to God.. Since the fall and man lost that intimate relationship with Him we've always been looking to something or someone to turn to a higher being to be under or to worship. Some wise men have done their thinking and their own theories and philosyphy which point man to the way but is incomplete and in time with the hunger in man these great men evolved into an idol instead of their ways being followed completely which is not what they meant it to be. In a sect, to achieve the final is to be able to empty yourself through the means of meditation. many different dictrines and philosophies have been created to satisfy the void inside of man which only One can satisfy.

The human idea of meditation; emptying yourself. What and how will this help you to achieve the highest call? It's nothing but mere emptiness like it's already stated; empty yourself. Not to say it is completely wrong we indeed should empty ourselves. Now you may think i'm contradicting values and even my own words but no. What was said and taught is incomplete.. yes we need to empty ourselves of our flesh and be filled with the Comforter and not the 'other' one which is what happens when we're to empty and filled with nothing. The 'other' will come and occupy. Some great men have claimed to achieve the final stage so to speak but reaching complete emptiness and mey seem from the outwardly that they've found peace. But what lies beneath the surface no one knows. Everyone has thier own mask. Many have been blinded from the truth that they are literally empty and they are convinced that it is their path of life. We alwasy hunger for a fellowship but we can't find the one we need. Man creates figures and laws of their own concerning the 'salvation' of man but there is only one true salvation and that's through the blood. Who can understand His ways? Cleanse me and keep me from presumtuous sins.

How and where can men find peace but in Him. Who can fill that void but Him. Why then is man still seeking in the wrong places? What then is the greater calling? How will they know unless someone tells them? Yet we see the lost.. many being content with pleasures of this world and some even 'empty' from the world and seem to be fulfilled. but what's in their hearts? Truly "the heart of man is decietful above all things, it is desperately sick; who can understand it?" who can understand it? who can know what is in the hearts of man but One. knowing in our minds and walking it out seem to be a different dimension altogether. It's like a flat piece and a 3d piece; words are like a 2d(flat) piece is unclear unless it is made out and translated into a 3d piece do we get a full picture of what it is.

Look at the skies... a perfect illustration for man.. Before the fall everything was beautiful, so was the sky and everything in the atmosphere.. Looking toward the heavens one will see stars and the air is fresh and not poisoning. But now look it is poluted just like we are and it blocks away the glory of God from heaven. Clouds block out the sunlight only a grey tint in the sky, no pure light without distortion from the sun.. now everything is blurred as we keep working and working and building our own 'castles' of what we belive in and where we stand. Until the day earth realizes that air is poluted and stop toiling and rest will the skies be made clear from all polutants which poison us and we'll be able to see the truth.

hapyday

a sigh i give,
a sigh i take,
a slip of fate,
a big mistake,
a slip of fate,
a price i paid,
i can't retake,
no i can't remake,

thus i shall not fall,
into a gloomy mood at all,
a joyous day it is to say,
for on this day i say i pray,
a single word of hope i may,
of love and joy i ask to stay,
for on this day a star on earth,
was birth to stay

late am i?

if i'd known,
it would be different,
and if i'd known,
i wouldn't be sittin here,

if i'd known,
the world would be mine,
and if i'd known,
everything would shine,

call me blind
but i didn't see it coming,
call me blind,
i didn't see it going,

call me blind,
but i don't think i deserve it,
call me anything but i hope i'm just not too..
late.

jamesT 0209 Jan30 2006

Vain Glory

a piece of fame
not meant to be
taken on your life journey
showing a glimpse of
what's unnecesary

do it all for yourself
forget all those around
keep them out of thought
taking all the name
not giving the credit to who's worth it

should be given
better not taken
never to be stolen
from the one who owns the glory
less it be vain glory

dictionary meaning
vain: 1 having no real value; worthless 2 without effect; futile

glory: 1 great honor or fame 2 adoration 3 great splendor, prosperity 4heavenly bliss

vain'glory: empty boasting Latin - vana gloria, excessive vanity

a sentence of sentiments

what's a dime in a pocket
to a hand making lockets
nothing but sentiments
and monuments as time flies by

things often seen
have often been neglected
till the day they pass away
we pass them along our way

books and words
pronounce the verbs
and pictures tell a million stories
like birds sing their tune so freely

our reflection in a mirror
we see it daily
but as time goes by
so fades our glory
lest we make time to paint our story
we'll be gone like the seed in the thorny

dedicated to pastor Phillip

father of many
how we will miss you
who will we kiss now
the love you showed
covered the hurts we felt
in times we don't feel strong

you put us before you
now you're ahead of us
in eternity
the love of all you gave plenty
how we might feel empty
and now we are

those times you extend your hand
you showed me a great deal
of His plan to me
i'm gratefull for those times you stood by me
making the choices
i hardly could make my own

showing His heart for the nations
your seeds will be remembered
those that were planted and
someday i hope to take them up and gather
to be a blessing just like you were

in memory of Pastor Phillip(godpa)
"father of many"
love,
james
-17 dec 2005-