Life's a bag of dust

At this moment I am completely lost. No sense of direction, no heading, no bearings, no earnings whatsoever, 'NOTHING' is what's spelled when you tap into the ATM of my brain. Since I thought I was on the direction of serving in the ministry I've been swept up from under my feet and thrown down the roller-coaster ride of my life.

The plans that were drawn up just wiped off the board. It's funny isn't how sometimes people tell you they can help you out if you just trust them. Yeah right! It's basically because I thought that it could actually happen this time that I so blindly got caught up in the waves of complacency. Well ok, I admit that losing the job was my mistake, not going to work for too many days and telling the wrong source is partly what caused for this outcome. Yet as I thought the way paved into getting myself involved in the ministry would open the path just suddenly disappeared.

Do I really have to do things myself? Is it ever going to be easy for me to just see my life's map laid in front of me? OR am I just going to keep getting stuck in this hazy world of uncertainty?

I honestly don't know where I'm headed next. Is this another of those times where you think you have it and then God comes and wipes the board clean again? I'm so sick and tired of getting blank pieces of the puzzle that don't seem to be fitting in anywhere and I'm sick of relying on people. I am not looking for a charity organization to just pick and follow behind for left over bread. I guess I've been brought up in an over protected lifestyle that I don't understand what it means to really and i mean REALLY, face LIFE in the face. Growing up protected can actually do more damage than good because it does not prepare you for reality until the one day when you think you're ready for it then you get hit SMACK in your face that life isn't and hasn't been and will never be what you think it to be.

What does it really mean to be in ministry? how does it fare when you serve not hoping to get paid but yet believing you'd be fed with no one giving you bread. Although the word clearly says you'll be fed if you work. How does that really work now? When all these years nothing has come of it that isn't from the head of the house instead of feeding the ones who also toil and sweat, breaking their mental muscles and fighting to keep things going in the organization known as the BODY. It's almost as thought I would give up, as though I will give in, it's almost the point of me breaking and turning away from this facade that has so much blinded me from the real world. I need to break away