this is my life.. is it all i dreamt it would be?

Can't close my eyes in the middle of the night when i'm alone. Everything turns dark and dull when the lights go off and there's no one to turn to. Years have passed since the last time a day spent with someone i could share things with. It's been for a while if not too long since the memory of sharing a day and memories with someone called special. How the wishing of that day to come again lingers through the words that come out and as the clock strikes every second though not too desperately but the frank facts is the sudden thought of it dawning creates a realization that i'm not coping too well with the single notion of life. Having no one to hold dear and call precious is an irony or distress.

Been about 4 years since i've been out with someone special. How does it feel to not have that feeling of missing someone? or how is the toture of feeling like you're missing something but never being able to find it?. Sick and tired of being told where to go and where to be. feeling weak from being told who i am and who i'm supposed to be. Oh God when i be put off from this misery?

Treasure Life

Life is precious and it's always running out it's like a hourglass thats constantly moving to the other side. some hourglass just break into pieces and some run out of time faster than others..
The past few months have all seen loved ones and friends pass on. Yes it's' part of life cycle but yet sometimes we find it hard to accept and to let go of that person whom we love and treasure.
So it's time to look back at our lives and make right our ways of living thtis short life. Make full use of the opportunities given and use your talents wisely so when the time comes we'll be rewarded by our father in heaven.

Already Over - Red

You never go
You're always here (suffocating me)
Under my skin
I cannot run away
Fading slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now

My best defense, running from you
I can't resist, take all you want from me
Breaking slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now

You're all I'm reaching for
It's already over
All I'm reaching for!
It's already over now

I'd give it all to you
I offer up my soul
It's already over, already over now!

Give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again!
I know it's already over now!
It's already over now!
I know it's already over, already over

Love this song by red means a lot to me

Contemplation

It's been five months coming close to six since I've started working in LPAV. But lately I've been thinking to myself. Is this what i want? or Is this where i should be? I'm thinking if this is where God wants me? or is it where I want to be myself. It's been five months and there hasn't been much of a progress and it's still strining my spiritual walk with God and I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. Yet again i think to myself whether God has put me here to test me.
my trip down to PD has put a lot of questions to my being in this company and also a lot of strins to my thought of knowing what i want to do at this present time.
The fact that i'm planning to go to bible school also comes in to the picture as to whether i'm taking the right steps to ensure that and whtherni should persevere and hang in here to put my limits to the test to see how resilient i really am. I really need some guidance one this one. please God help me make the right choices.

life's a journey

In every walk of life there's always up's and down's. People grow tired of the schedules becoming a routine each day. Some people find it easy to be repeating the same thing day after day not having to use their brain power too much. While others prefer a new challenge everyday. Yet not everyone gets what they want.. To think that i'm starting to get bored of what i'm ding was unimaginable just 2 months ago but now.. i'm starting to feel the wear of the routined life of fixing up things and standing by. I pray i do get to go somewhere to do the first part of my dream which is taking videos and exploring on film. I'll get there one day..

Southtown-P.O.D.

the lapse of societal care

friend..

friend

Friend.. (what?)

friend(who?)

See.. this is the scenario
what's a friend when ya got none
where's that man? where's that friend?
they call you man i need yo help
you can't not help coz they your man
but what comes to it in the end
when you look for men they lose you
and you get them asking who

i stay wide
i go low
you get high when i say go
and when i say no you say hell boy what's with the no
i say yo fella come time for the bell ya
don't stick around for this yo fella
you treat me high when i was fine
but time goes by and when i say hi you don't even care
you just walk by and bye ain't coming out even when i greet ya
ya smile and stick it up to man behind me walking pass beside me

and that's the reason why i call it treason
ain't no other reason for a man to go to prison
and come out the same just like the day they gagged him and gave him the cane
what's with the name change does the heart remain the same
does the the life turn around
will society let him walk back around
thats the truth of the matter the world fall down in laughter

feb02-07

losing my head, losing you

It's only been what? a little less than two years since pops.
What's happened? I know it's a little too late to say this coz you can't hear it. but why? i'm frustrated and saddened by the choice made. Who will watch her now? Couldn't you take another alternative. You could've came back. You're not even with papa.. why? i can't stop asking this question. You know we love you and you can always turn to us, but i guess you didn't..
It's over now.. can't turn back time. the days spent have come to an end and there's no one left to pretend. what got to you? You..... i can't say anything now.. i can't..

when darkness turns to light

It ends tonight.. well what you might ask?
No not some relationship or anything.. not the good luck streak or whatever.. it's my pretty voice.. it just turned pretty sexy now.. well it was sexy after the UNITED concert lolz.. couldn't even talk properly.. oh right i was so close to cathing an autograph cd but missed coz i didn't make that jump in fear of hitting my lil mei mei and a really huge lady standing beside her XD wakaka.. forgive my insolence just can't help it.. i dun wanna fall into her though she might pick me up and toss me out the backdoor wahahaha.. XDXD okok i sound mean now.. right, lets talk about somthing else eheh.. oh guess i'm a lyricist for an independant band so some of the stuff you see here are for them. they're some hardcore amateur band so support them ya.. since i wrote their lyrics heheh.. Sad thing is.. youth camp moved from 11 to 12 so it also ends a day later instead of 15 it moved to 16 which clashes with the WWW thing i'm suppost to perform dang!! oh well maybe God says NO!!!! lolz.. i'll take that for ananswer lah.. see i'm a gud boy wahah. Nwy I've thought of an acoustic song.. so here are the lyrics

walking in history i -
found myself left in misery when -
i looked back at the things so -
stupid i thought i'd done right
but was so wrong

I couldn't stand to -
see the fall of the beacon light if i -
knew it would lead to this -
pain i'm feeling inside__
the void i am trying to hide___

Is anyone seeing
I'm falling, I'm falling down and down
Is anybody hearing my screaming
I'm screaming out aloud
To you, To^ \you


tobe continued...
jamestan © 2006

Stand in the Rain - Superchic(k)

She never slows down
She doesn’t know why but she knows that
When she’s all alone it feels like its all coming down

She won’t turn around
The shadows grow long and she fears
If she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from, wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

falling off the edge

Don't actually feel like posting anything but i am anyway..
Life sometimes can be so exhilirating with events and joy and yet sometimes it can tear your bones apart.. The silence makes you wanna scream. Tearing apart the white void that surrounds.. In times when you need people beside you those far away are acceptable for an excuse.. but those near you turn their heads away and show you their f***in bare back.. so in your face. as soon as you reach your hand to them. Then everything fades into the white.. So pure but yet filled with demons like lucifer drawin hell to you. the white so white... that it actually burns you.. then you start to see red.. your eyes swell up. Blood gushes from your pores.. your tears flow with crimson rivers... the fire torments you but you don't die.. your veins at the brink of bustin yet they stretch your every muscle to hurt you with the pain unbearable... everything around you is flames and flames not like those of a candle.. but those red hot lava flowing down burning anything in it's way. Just a touch of water is all you need. Screaming your agony and pain... you f'kin "friends" don't hear anything when you squirm in the inside longing for a hand to hold.. the noisy silence i call it.. you yell but there's no sound, no noise, no words nothing uttered in the endless void.. Is this all to life or is there more to the narrow pipe of disaster flushing down the dirt and shit of life.
The waves beat higher.. the storm spins faster... they pull you down.. drown you and drain your very last breath. you suffer the endless toss.. the bottomless depth the screaming plunge which can't be heard by selfish humans who care less bout anything but their own soul for cryin out loud. The writer sits at the edge of his seat. fallin off the edge of my seat.

The Depth Of My Being

Beneath the surface of this being lies the untouched mind.
Unformed to it's prefection by the world around the mind lies bare, vulnarable to the changes of sudden effects. sometimes shrinking it to the toughest state. writers blog some call it the mind can't think of anything. It's sources and libraries locked away. Still the undaunted raw mind be unencumbered and unending with thoughts waiting to see and be seen by the world. many find hard to understand and the mind is many times understated and underestimated. maybe if it's more refined and brought under fine supervision for a time to be unlocked and rearranged and then maybe it would become a powerful thing.

Of Sinners and the Forgiven

I was a sinner now forgiven
No one told me
I was wrong in my doing
How couldn't I see
Was i so blind
The truth passed by me
Couldn't set me free?

I saw no light only the beaten
Defeated in battle
I couldn't stand alone
No comrades beside
Was i alone
The arrows couldn't hit me
Couldn't they kill me?

But I held on
To Faith unseen but not ungiven
Hope bell rings in a distance
The battle was about to be won
My Lord He came and took me
To higher ground he brought me
I was a sinner but now forgiven
Not to be perfect just forgiven
Testify my hope to them people
so they may be forgiven too

Can't this life be less downing
The battles less hurting
The waters less drowning
I wish none of this was for us to go through
But then there's no reason for me to be anymore
So that's what i was created for

james tan © 2006 1409-010-019

life's a why and how

how life can be when a nail's stuck in the woodwork. when you've hammered the nail so deep that you can't pull it out. The nail become an eyesore after being left for long, rusted and old, staining the woodwork from the water that flows downwards as the rain hits. Leaving a mark and stain on the wood. No matter how the nail is being removed there's always a hole in the wood.

why is it that the hole can't be covered back to it's comdition before the nial was put through the wood? a new nail is being looked for to fill that gap. When the nail gets too rusted and expands in it's place it breaks the wood. Craking lines form around it as it rust and expands. It soon become a pain in the back for the wood. It's so hard to move it. how come the wood has to suffer? how come the wood can't regrow and repair itself off the nail's hole. why? why is the nail so selfishly wanting to stab the wood and not let go and putting a crack in the wood? In time to come the wood will break in two and the nail will lose out too. Is it so hard to remove a nail?

Where the love last forever

Sometimes everything just seems to fall apart. The picture frame breaks into a million pieces. When the last drop of water come for the rest of summer what happens next is drought.

How do you get something through a sheet of film without tearing it... sometimes pain of the ripping film of skin can hurt forever. The hole left inthe sheet can never recover. Sometimes You'll just hate yourself for putting that scar onto the sheet. The world hates you for it.
You wanna move on to the next moutain but your sleeves are cought in the valley.

friend of no man (sonnet)

A man is built from dust and sand
his fate is determined not less than his decisions
his indulgence in society is fragile not less than glass
his trust is built on pyramids of crystals upside down
standing on one point, of any imbalance the fall and crash
as hard as it is built easier still it come crashing down
trust and integrity takes long and deep efforts to build
time and sweat and even blood to an extent
the blood calls they say when a close friend is betrayed
the recklessness of society in handling a man
the incapabilities of individuals of fame and fortune
causes the fall and downhill ride for a man caught in the feud

of society's greed and lust
the latter is left a friend of no man

12:42 a.m. June 22, 06

The tragedy

See the world turn around in it's orbit and everything seems to be in order as some would see it. The world make s a better place for some while the brest surrers the impudence of mankind. What folly that man walks in degrading morality while advancing in technology. The hearts of man is void while they seek to find an answer to fill the empiness. Some through books and books flying through words secluding themselves from the real sufferings of man beyond their sight. So blinded by goals and gold that falls before their eyes ignoring the bloody sweat shed by those less "fortunate" working behind every riches that they see and touch but never theirs to keep. What makes them less fortunate? where else can man look then inside. The prejudism and pride of their hearts. Seemingly claiming themselves strong and 'the rest' weak. The weak it seems being suppressed and killed to fulfill the wants and 'needs' of the strong. What so blinds man is greed. What is greed then? Greed the source of all suffering in man against man towards man. Greed drives a man towards the hunger of power and superiority.

Nietzsche has said the rulers should fear the people not the people to fear the rulers. Revolution will cause a kingdom to stumble. Why the eligence of soldiers toward the ruler? Dying for one man's power? Is it worth the sacrifice? Equality in the ranks of men peace will be birthed. Thus the philisophy of communism. I'd say commonism the main thing. Yet in man greed always overpowers them wanting more. The founders of the philosophy itself never lived to see the perfect idea come to it's own distruction. In it because in the idea itself a man is placed to be over men. The world will never fall into order as long as man live as rulers over other men. How you spend the rest of your life depends on the beliefs and philosphy. Even the man who wonders in the street has his ideas and philosophy of life. Mind is given man to decern some better than others. The practices of man determines the ability and many misuse the wisdom and understanding to exploit those less able. Laws made to keep humanity in stablity, yet exist those in which the laws were created twists and manipulation of the written to their own exploits and gains. Tis the irony and tragedy

9 hardest times(snagged this from someone's blog XD)

9 hardest times of ones life:

1) being questioned when you yourself don't understand.

2) pretending to be innocent of what you know about.

3) trying to forget something you know you never will.

4) admitting you were wrong after you have been so insistent that you were right.

5) debating with yourself

6) accepting the fact that somethings are not meant to be.

7) trying to understand when you just can't.

8) realizing that you have been tricked after you've given your whole trust

9) parting and letting go of some you've loved all your life

Treasure life

Ever been around people who don't treasure life?

It stinks.. Life is already so prescious and fragile it could be taken anytime.
But yet around us there are people who take unnecessary risk in life recklessly risking life and wasting it away.

Reckless driving, Access driking, Pot etc etc I would come to consider this as suicide since it's wasting your life away not for the good and not looking after the temple of the Holy Spirit. Whatever we do with our bodies we're answerable to the one who made it. I'd say it's one of the talents given us to use it for the Master's glory and if we don't use it right we'd be cast to the darkest part of the earth so far, unredeemable.

And holding other's life in your hands.. what are we to say if we cause the death of other innocent people? what are we to say? In the end, everything we do we have to answer to Him who created and gave life to all creature

Which reality?

Lying down drowsily ready to sleep and call it a day. Noise come from the window near to your bed you doze off..
Then the next morning you wake up later than usual. You walk to the sink and sober up. You can't recall what happened last night but everything is normal. You walk out of your quarters and look around. You think it's sunday and head to the church. As you draw near there's not as many people as you thought there would be. You step inside and try to go to the sanctuary as you get closer to the door someone approaches you and wishes you 'good morning'. You smile and as you walk through the door someone else approaches you and asks if this was your first time to the premise. You think to yourself, ''don't they know me? I've been coming here for years and they act like I'm a stranger''. You walk to someone you think is familiar and he smiles to you as you approach. Before you could speak he asks for your name. You are shocked and asks "Don't you know who i am?" he replies gently as if he's not sure what's going on "no, who are you? You look around for another familiar face and ask the same question and get the same reply. You ask a few more people and all the same reply; no one knows you.
You stand in the corner trying to get yourself together. You ask someone what place this was and what's going on and he says "Oh, it's a club and we're having a meeting. We have it every sunday" "Would you like to be a member?" Confused, you ask him "are you all christians?" His face questions you question and asks "christians? what is that?" You stare at him in disbelieve and quickly leave the premise. You run as fast as you could trying to find someone farmiliar to talk to or to get an explanation. Everyone seems to be normal, nothing seemed to have drastically changed except no one knows who you are. As you run and run you vission blurs your mind cannot take the pressure and the change.. You fall to the ground looking at the sky people crowd around you to see what happened. Thing's fade slowly and you can hardly breathe and everything turns black..

So what it reality? which was the reality? What had happened? Was it a conspiracy? Did someone have something against you and paid everyone else to do this to you? Did the government erase your identity? Is it a dream? or did you wake up from another dream? Is this reality? Or was the days before this reality? or is it the new reality? What is it? What is truth? What's happening? What happened the day before? which is REALITY?

The Err is I

Ever felt like you’ve let go of something and it feels so much better? Sometimes it does happen and sometimes they just don’t come along the way you’d expect them to. Through the last year and a half I’ve been learning to let go of something that I thought was what I could hold on to but I learned some things the long and hard way. Through some heart aches and sleepless nights, I thought it’d better be for me to lose that rope I have around my neck. All the fallacy and errs that were shown were ignored to the last strand of hope inside the soul of the traveler who wishes to not be on a journey with no support. But alas he finds himself in a valley full of flowers behind high fences. Only able to admire their beauty from a distance but never able to touch, nor feel their presence. The only opening is along the fences on both sides where he is only able to walk through in a straight path towards the end of the valley at the end of the fences. How ironic, this valley full or gardens overflowing with flowers but all behind fences unable to be enjoyed nor touched by the outsider. The only thing the traveler can do is keep traveling until he exits the valley and a new world is shown and the valley is forgotten him and he the valley. Through night and day he travels the long valley only on the road has he space to rest. No bed no tent but on the damp ground of soil he settles down each night. Even the hill before had houses who took him in to rest which he stayed for a while before realizing he’s been staying in a place he shouldn’t be. He’s traveled the valley for almost 12 seasons and hasn’t seen the end. It sure is a long valley deep below the mountains. He sets his eyes on the hill ahead and heads there hoping to find a hut to rest a comfortably in. Looking back in the 10 seasons and all that has happened a conclusion he’s come to is the err is his with his face against a fence hoping one day to reach for a flower from the valley.

Temprements

i know i know.. the fruit of the spirit bla bla bla... self control.. bla bla bla.. but is there a time you just can't anymore?
Well i've been strugling a lot with that. I've been haveing bad days all the time and everytime i do something and i see that something rage and i dunno what else to say builds up and i just can't contain myself.. now that hardly ever anyone reads this outpost of mine wahahah.. but yeah does anyone ever read both of my outposts eh? Whatever... But the situation is driving me nutso.. What's the punch line? kick ass? just outwit and outwin.. but outwit what? my dumb brains? lolx.. my brain is not dumb though iam alittle dyslecxic(don't even klnow how to spell that) you'd never imagined huh.. i use to startle too.. even now sometimes.. and back to my brain is not dumd i'm not dumb. Just inteligent in a different aspect and in a sense lazy.. yeah.. hate me coz i'm lazy.. hahaha.. Throwin raves at "unnecessary" things that seem presumtuously small. What's the big deal and what's wrong? everythin, from the beginning to the end of time top to the botom north to south east to west.. everything is WRONG!! Blinded you are said Yoda waahahah.. life is sick, i'm sick. My conclusion YOU ARE SICK!!!!!!!!! to the core.. yes.. to the core..

Look to Jesus

Look at they skieslook at the seas
how great and awesome is he
even the birds have a place to dwell
how much more is His love
for you and i

what can we ask
what can't be given
it's only a question away
children draw close to his heart
then how much more is his love
for you and i

and we dance as we sing a love song to jesus
oh what a joy as our hearts fall down
before the throne of your mercy
and we cry out to You as we come in
to your mercy seat
and it's by your blood
that was poured out for me
this amazing love

come if you're hungry
come if you're thirsty
drink from the well
look to Jesus

April 7, '06

not even scient

what a phrase to remember... a quote from pastor Moses "you can't worship until you see the worth"
I was reading fishtail's post yesterday and i wrote an article but when i tried to post it the whole page went on an error.. well the post had nothing to do with what he posted recently but what was at the side under the profile corner. The writeout on Anapurna or also known as Macchapucchre or fishtail.. because when you see it fomr an angle it looks like a whale's tail, totally amazing when you see it face to face. Nepal is such a beautiful place with the mountains and ranges surrounding it. It reminds me of how great and big is our God and how everything was made beautiful.

Everything was beautiful until man took things into their own hands.. ignoring the truth that has been there before is here and will always be there. We start to have to sweat and toil to get what we need after the fall. But by the grace of God we lack nothing but in everything by prayer and suplication and with thanksgiving, we let our request made known to God.. Since the fall and man lost that intimate relationship with Him we've always been looking to something or someone to turn to a higher being to be under or to worship. Some wise men have done their thinking and their own theories and philosyphy which point man to the way but is incomplete and in time with the hunger in man these great men evolved into an idol instead of their ways being followed completely which is not what they meant it to be. In a sect, to achieve the final is to be able to empty yourself through the means of meditation. many different dictrines and philosophies have been created to satisfy the void inside of man which only One can satisfy.

The human idea of meditation; emptying yourself. What and how will this help you to achieve the highest call? It's nothing but mere emptiness like it's already stated; empty yourself. Not to say it is completely wrong we indeed should empty ourselves. Now you may think i'm contradicting values and even my own words but no. What was said and taught is incomplete.. yes we need to empty ourselves of our flesh and be filled with the Comforter and not the 'other' one which is what happens when we're to empty and filled with nothing. The 'other' will come and occupy. Some great men have claimed to achieve the final stage so to speak but reaching complete emptiness and mey seem from the outwardly that they've found peace. But what lies beneath the surface no one knows. Everyone has thier own mask. Many have been blinded from the truth that they are literally empty and they are convinced that it is their path of life. We alwasy hunger for a fellowship but we can't find the one we need. Man creates figures and laws of their own concerning the 'salvation' of man but there is only one true salvation and that's through the blood. Who can understand His ways? Cleanse me and keep me from presumtuous sins.

How and where can men find peace but in Him. Who can fill that void but Him. Why then is man still seeking in the wrong places? What then is the greater calling? How will they know unless someone tells them? Yet we see the lost.. many being content with pleasures of this world and some even 'empty' from the world and seem to be fulfilled. but what's in their hearts? Truly "the heart of man is decietful above all things, it is desperately sick; who can understand it?" who can understand it? who can know what is in the hearts of man but One. knowing in our minds and walking it out seem to be a different dimension altogether. It's like a flat piece and a 3d piece; words are like a 2d(flat) piece is unclear unless it is made out and translated into a 3d piece do we get a full picture of what it is.

Look at the skies... a perfect illustration for man.. Before the fall everything was beautiful, so was the sky and everything in the atmosphere.. Looking toward the heavens one will see stars and the air is fresh and not poisoning. But now look it is poluted just like we are and it blocks away the glory of God from heaven. Clouds block out the sunlight only a grey tint in the sky, no pure light without distortion from the sun.. now everything is blurred as we keep working and working and building our own 'castles' of what we belive in and where we stand. Until the day earth realizes that air is poluted and stop toiling and rest will the skies be made clear from all polutants which poison us and we'll be able to see the truth.

hapyday

a sigh i give,
a sigh i take,
a slip of fate,
a big mistake,
a slip of fate,
a price i paid,
i can't retake,
no i can't remake,

thus i shall not fall,
into a gloomy mood at all,
a joyous day it is to say,
for on this day i say i pray,
a single word of hope i may,
of love and joy i ask to stay,
for on this day a star on earth,
was birth to stay

late am i?

if i'd known,
it would be different,
and if i'd known,
i wouldn't be sittin here,

if i'd known,
the world would be mine,
and if i'd known,
everything would shine,

call me blind
but i didn't see it coming,
call me blind,
i didn't see it going,

call me blind,
but i don't think i deserve it,
call me anything but i hope i'm just not too..
late.

jamesT 0209 Jan30 2006

Vain Glory

a piece of fame
not meant to be
taken on your life journey
showing a glimpse of
what's unnecesary

do it all for yourself
forget all those around
keep them out of thought
taking all the name
not giving the credit to who's worth it

should be given
better not taken
never to be stolen
from the one who owns the glory
less it be vain glory

dictionary meaning
vain: 1 having no real value; worthless 2 without effect; futile

glory: 1 great honor or fame 2 adoration 3 great splendor, prosperity 4heavenly bliss

vain'glory: empty boasting Latin - vana gloria, excessive vanity

a sentence of sentiments

what's a dime in a pocket
to a hand making lockets
nothing but sentiments
and monuments as time flies by

things often seen
have often been neglected
till the day they pass away
we pass them along our way

books and words
pronounce the verbs
and pictures tell a million stories
like birds sing their tune so freely

our reflection in a mirror
we see it daily
but as time goes by
so fades our glory
lest we make time to paint our story
we'll be gone like the seed in the thorny

dedicated to pastor Phillip

father of many
how we will miss you
who will we kiss now
the love you showed
covered the hurts we felt
in times we don't feel strong

you put us before you
now you're ahead of us
in eternity
the love of all you gave plenty
how we might feel empty
and now we are

those times you extend your hand
you showed me a great deal
of His plan to me
i'm gratefull for those times you stood by me
making the choices
i hardly could make my own

showing His heart for the nations
your seeds will be remembered
those that were planted and
someday i hope to take them up and gather
to be a blessing just like you were

in memory of Pastor Phillip(godpa)
"father of many"
love,
james
-17 dec 2005-

train in toughts

the sound of wheels echo in the background
thoughts stir as i ponder on the facts
that i've just questioned
everything seems to spin yet seemed still
as i stare and gaze at them
yet they remain clear and unclear to my physical eyes
I see them in my mind but it only flashes in my eyes
Can't comprehend the emotions that run
through my thoughts and feeling
As i journey south next to a soul that entices my eyes
the feeling of lonesome surrounds me in
the still trapped air of my surrounding
my head starts to spin as the back
of my spine aches and my eyes give out on me
I resist but to no avail i lay down and surrender
hoping tomorrow would turn out better

pain

forget what was said
don't remember what was done
try to lose what i've found
feelings inside my head
breaks the form of life
stirring emotions

all seem empty and meaningless
what to say?
nothing i can do
can't fight the remorse feeling
that's due to strike
everything's hidden behind the smile

though i try to mask it
the truth still seems to have the upper hand
i hunger, i strife
to find the pieces left behind
from the brokenness
that filled the void

a question asked
but i can't reply
i can't deny that it hurts inside
but nothing's moved on the other side
it all seems blunt to me
blur and fogged, masked and blocked

When shadows fade

Shadows
come from the trace
lines of darkness formed by light surrounding
the silhoutte of the forms and shapes

when shadows fade
the light brings the day
unveiling the forms of the shadows seen
the clarity of true forms comes

though it's unclear what we see
sometimes we still linger in the forms of things unseen
not knowing what truth lies beneath it all
till shadows fade away

strugling through life's questions
unrevealed though many times lingered
they stay the same, all unnamed
when shadows fade

unwilling to be seen
no trace of what's inside of me
hiding and standing where the light is dimmed and behind
that blinds the eyes from the silver line of light

still searching
wanting to be seen
but i can't wait till the sun goes up and that's all i have
when shadows fade

flowers blooming (choices, left and right)

I look each day
they grow day by day
i see and marvel at their beauty
a rose without thorns is hard not to pick
but a rose with thorns is true and pure
side by side they grow alike
the gardener cannot decide which to pick
as a pleasant gift

i lie in wait for him to choose
the one he feels is best and suits
both are seemingly strong and bright
as the sun light touches their petals
they glow as if the day has not unfold

a bed of roses?
yes life is.. with thorns and thrones
sticks and stones
they break my bones
and words last for a time unknown
some make you fly but some you'll cry
i wish that mine would lift them high

some crazy days @_-

swing swing around in the ground
tables and chairs flyin around
spoons and glasses from the clown
cups and cones they fall down
car loaded with guns and bullets
i fly into the sky with my private jet and crash in the clouds

summer's filled with snow and ice
winter's even colder than the mountain
my wheels are in town
and i'm sittin around
air is fresh with the smell of trash
crowd in the barn and burn food down

fall and fall
crawl and brawl
when the colors of the sky turn grey in my eye
shadows in the sky and light from the ground
mirror in my mind
shatters like steel in the furnace

craziness and insanity
lame and lame
walk with a cane and stick
throw all the pain and pills down the drain
wait for the rain and call it a day

See

it's not what we always hope
it's not always how we want it
we can't control it
but someone's in control

empty words come from me
all i speak are things unworthy
but who could tell me?
no one knows the truth behind the lines

so i run
and try to catch the light
but the light seems out of my reach
it's too deep to comprehend
but it shines for me
now i see..

our days are numbered
can't go with fiery chariots
how will it be?
i wait and watch and see

can't go on without a goal
can't breathe without a god
can i still be so blind
to not see the truth behind this life?

so i run
and try to catch the light
but the light seems out of my reach
it's too deep to comprehend
but it shines for me
now i see..

words by jamest

life and death

Life and death are in the hands of God.
We've been hearing from the enws that everyday disasters happen if not in our country it's somewhere else. Count ourselves blessed that our country is protected from such extreme situations.
But as we examine it clearly. These things don't just happen out of the blue. it's a sign to us to be ready. We as Christians should be ready for His coming in time. It's very very soon. Disasters are a wake up call for us. The tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes etc etc. Time is closing.
Take a look at the middle east. what's happening between Israel and Palestine? read revelation. What happens when they are at peace? Jesus' second coming is near. It can be anytime, don't get left behind. It's not a pleasant thing. So what are you doing with your life?

I'm on the journey

'The fatter the sow is,
the more she desires the mud.
the more healthy the lustful man is
the more likely he is to do evil.'

'There is a desire in women to dress attractively;
but let it be attractive in God's sight.'

"It is much easier to be watchful for a night or two
than for a year;
so it is easier to begin to profess well
than to go on to the end."

"Every ship's captain in a storm will
willingly throw overboard what is least in value;
only those who do not fear God
will throw out the best first."

'one leak can sink a ship;
and one sin can destroy a sinner.'

"He that lives in sin and looks for eternal happiness
is like a man who sows weeds and
expects tofill his barn with a harvest of wheat'

"If in this world there is so much of beauty;
how much more beautiful if the Heaven
which God has commended"

"'everyone will be glad at the goodness of men;
but who rejoices at the goodness of God?'"

~The Pilgrims Progress..

Was reading it when felt convicnted to write this down..:

"let what the Lord wills to happen,
happen to me that i may be in His glory
at the end of my journey"

and something cool that i thought i want to be engraved on my tombstone:

"what is death that i should fear? for the One I've my faith has died and rose again"

then again my thought...;

In life there are many trails and dangers,
Some fail and others succeed.
It's true that many times I've fallen
and not take things the right way,
I ask for all to forgive me
If i've made you to stumble and fall,
I will now stay strong and be of good witness
to those around me.
If there be any errors in my actions
take it to me so i may change and turn from the wrong way.

glory to whom?

Who are we giving glory to with our lives? We were made to serve the body of Christ to be united as one body. When we are united we are giving glory to God. But when we fight with each other we are giving glory to the enemy. He’ll be enjoying his time laughing at us when we fight. His purpose is to tear up the church. And when we fight against each other we have help him to achieve his goals.

When ever families quarrel or fight, especially families that are leaders fight he’s there laughing and scorning. When there’s disunity in the church we put God’s name to shame. How many times do we have to do that. We’ve heard we know we shouldn’t do it but yet. We keep on repeating what we shouldn’t be doing.

Our lives, we are supposed to be in one accord. When there’s a disagreement we come to God. Not blow up and fight with each other. Sometimes it’s not just physical. We take each others to court over positions. But God’s word says not to bring your brothers to court. But yet what are we doing? Satan’s plans are being fulfilled daily because of us who fail to do the right thing. We need to evaluate what we do in every situation. A lot of times when something goes wrong we blow up and curse and do all the things we shouldn’t do. Yes it’s not wrong to be angry, but remember what God’s word says, be angry and don’t sin. We have all the right to be angry. Jesus was angry when the people defiled the temple and he even chased them out. There’s a time to be angry but we shouldn’t take it to the wrong direction. Ask God what would He do and ask Him to help you do the right thing.

Families are the core of the church and when there’s disunity in families. It’s hard for the church to be in unity as well. We should always be hand in hand to overcome the enemy and not let him create havoc in our lives.

Well enough about him already. So in any occasion let’s not put down each other. Affirm one another in the body of Christ. Everyone makes mistakes, so learn from them and don’t do it again.

Link to TA BU LAS!!! :D

guys and gals.. i'm using tabulas for a change.. so visit... www.tabulas.com/~jamest :D
cheerio~ i still don't know why the tag in my tabulas isn't working though hehe

Dear God...

been really burned out to the max for the past weeks finals, work etc etc.. man.. everything seems to be taking on it's toll.
i really don't know what to do. to work to quit? what? sigh.. wish i had the answers. can't seem to think straight. am i overloading myself? if i am why? and how? there's so many things that i need but can't seem to get them. set my eyes to zion.. sometimes wish that God would just take me home and end all these worries. but well my work might not be done yet so i can't be going i guess. still things in wannna evade are inevitable.

so many questions that need an answer. still i can't find what i need. Do i know toomuch to know more.. is there pride in me? i don't know.. i'm i annoying? what am i? are those who call themselves christians really living as they should? am i? i try my best.. i've learned a lot of things since going to skool. but it's hard to change when they've got their view of you set. i'm trying my best not to look back from the plough.. it's hard.. harder then it seems...

"Father forgive them..."

'Father forgive them for they know not what they do' this was Jesus' words when he was on the cross...
Can we say the same when people do bad things to us? We could but it's very hard for us to do thats why we need God's help to do it. It's almost impossible for us to forgive someone who has hurt us bad. If it were a small thing yes we may forgive our friends, but when it's like a sword peircing through your heart.. The pain is almost unbearable. You feel betrayed and hurt sometimes you feel used espescially when it's someone whom you trust a lot like your best friend or closest friend. They may or may not consciously do it. Sometimes they don't even know that what they did hurt you. Many times we think to ourselves that. I'll never forgive him or her for what he or she did' but what Jesus went through was way worse and far beyond what we can experience. Immagine, what would it feel like if you created something, spending all you time and putting all your effort into making it something beautiful. You sacrifice your time for other things to pay attention to it to make it happen. But when it's done it goes away on it's own not even gratefull that you've created it and presume that it came from someplace else. And one day it comes back to destroy you. You've spentyour whole life creating it your hard work and sweat into it and that's what you get in return?.
But He chose to forgive us for what we did, putting him on that cross. He took the chance just so that you may realize one day that how much He loves you enough to die even die for you.

some quotes

"the pride of one man can cause another to fall"

"Pride is the complete anti-God state. Pride is the chief cause of misery in this world! As long as you are proud, you can't know God. Pride is spiritual cancer!. It eats up love,contentment and even common sense"
~C.S. Lewis

"I thought I trusted the rope until it mattered to me whether it would bear me"

~C.S. Lewis

Someone Kicked my Butt

There's no where i can run no matter how hard i try. It's my nature to stay.
Thanks for those who prayed for me :)
what can i say even though it's not fully recovered but it's anexperienced to be learned from not to be repeated. It's because my loyalty is to Him not to them. Still don't expect the same out of me from before.

Do I have to go through this test?(Why do i have to?)

why must i? i can't take this anymore.. being pressed from all sides. Everything is just falling down on me. I feel like giving up already and leave. but I keep pushing on and hanging on.. It's the last straw. The weight is on my last finger hanging on the cliff. I'm about to drop, i'm about to give up. Isn't there anyone out there to help me. I'm close to cursing, close to burning. This test is overwhelming me. My faith is on the last thread. I'm confused, there is certainly NO one i can trust. Whoever at all there is no one. Men cannot be trusted. They pick you up and leave you somewhere in the dark alone and then it's your fault the leave you there and for what? for all you've done of coursewhat's right they take credit for, what's wrong you take all the blame for. That's so righteous. Yeah, that's great it's totally perfect. Never again will this happen. I swear i will not let this happen again EVER!! and i won't do anything ever again.

What can i say? Been failed so many times, in fact too many times. Why do i make the same mistake of thinking that people out there would help me? why do i keep believing something that's not true? why?
You ask me why i say this? i say why do you care? All you say, everything you say are empty. They mean nothing to me anymore. So why do you even ever care anymore? i've had enough of your speaches. I can't bear another pain, another shame, another...
I might give up soon when i can't take it anymore. I don't care what happens to the rest. Why should I? they don't. So WHY the heck should I? But there are still some who can be saved. Don't make the same mistake to them or see them gone.

se ci è chiunque per indurre la gente a girare via dal dio è

Se ci è chiunque per indurre la gente a girare via dal dio ècristiani essi stessi. perchè?
è semplicemente perché il senso fa occasionalmente le cose. Sono stato venuto a mancare tante volte, Non posso prenderlo più. Mi chiedete perchè? la risposta è semplice. perché che freaking lo hanno lasciato giù. Qualcosa per loro e che cosa ottengo nel ritorno? non freaking niente, non desidero giurare qui. E preferibilmente devo pagare il perso di qualcosa nella vite dellachiesa questo!! ed è la mia vite del haha "di responsabilità" voi tutti. Ciò è mai l'ultima volta che sto andando FARE QUALCHE COSA AFFATTOper la chiesa.

All of us

As soon as you stepped through my door,
I saw You for the first time all over again.
And time well spent seems
Lonelier than the way it used to go.

As I smell you for the first time all over again
I'll begin to remember to be alive
So if you don't mind
I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve,
'Cause I'm tired of not being able to bleed.

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark.

I've felt a loss for some time
I slipped, stumbled, but fell face first straight into your hand.
Then I hit my head on your palm
And waking up to the smellOf tears drying up in the sand

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark.

I washed my wounds with tears of hope.
I washed my wounds with tears of hope.
I just ...

All of us are searching for an open arm
Well, it's a shame how I pull myself apart.
When it's the same words making me run for cover to your heart.

(All of us are searching for an open arm)When it's the same words making me run for cover to your heart.
(All of us are searching for an open arm)
(All of us are searching for an open arm)

there's more to life...

well life's full of things, wanted and unwanted, good bad and ugly..
"all things are permissible but not all things are beneficial..." so we need to be wise in things we do and choices we make.. for example movies and songs and even simple choices we make, what world views we have will affect the choices we make. But humans compromise to make things to seem right many times.. In order to achieve what we want we compromise our values and say that it's ok but the truth remains truth no matter what we do.. but God is the ultimate judge. Though he sends people to warm us of our actions many times. Because He is gracious and gives us a way out of temptations and there's also the gift which He gave us and that's the Holy Spirit which promts us when we are going the wrong direction. But when we overwrite it with our own thinking soon we lose our sensitivity to the spirits and are unable to decern what's right and what's wrong. Many times we get carried in our emotions that we don't care whats right and whats wrong and we do what we think or feel is right but may not necessarily be right in God's sight... and a lot of times we know it's wrong but in the occasion still ignore it and go ahead doing it. That's why we need to be in constant contact with God and be sensitive to the spirit and not ignore when it prompts us of our actions.. we should always acknowledge the Holy Spirit in our lives in order to hear from God. Hearing from God requires dealing with our sins and also acknowledging the Holy Spirit. Stay pure before God

I thought i trusted...

"i thought i trusted the rope until it mattered to me whether it would bear me"...
~C.S. Lewis~

there are things and people in life who we trust but can they really hold us?
things may break and people fail us. who are we to turn to then? Is there anyone
or anything that can sustain and hold us? or are we left alone in this deteriorating world.
You'll have to find the answer yourself. I can show you and i can tell you but you have to
make the move on your own.

--

Been tired and weary for the past week. but God touched me. renewed my strength to go through. really saw lots of things going wrong just the past week lost my pendrive broke this lost that etc etc.. it's hard to live on the edge sometimes but still i'll have to live on it to sharpen me. Just like a knife is sharpened my being scraped and rubbed hard on a rock i'm constantly being rubbed hard and scraped on "The Rock". Living life an example requires a lot of grace and strength. yet grace and mercy have never run out on me. many time the urge to just give up and fall away comes on strong when there's no one there to support you and the world is pulling on you but i find strength when i needed it most in the very last moment of giving up. it's just as life is trying to push you into it's mould there's another hand that moulds you from the table as you spin continously in the world. each day i long for a new touch and release of strength it comes at the very moment you give up on yourself and let things out of your hand but there's a greater hand that holds me together in the arms of love where i confide. many times i just feel like runing and jumping over the fence to the other side and fall off the cliff into the ocean that is ever beautiful to see but yet brings distruction at every crash as it hits on the solid rock beneath. yet the roots of the plants go deep into the ground and not fly away with the breeze of the wind when it blows. all in all there's only one that can be counted on and will ever hold me in the palm of His hand. Big and gentle and comforting. The solid rock on which i stand.

Thank God for sustaining me, for providing me with what i need and for the bike thats gonna be coming. Keep me safe in Your mighty hands. hold me from the tides that come to sweep me away. give me strength to be continualy walking in Your will. You are my Strong Tower in the midst of darkness and all my fears. Speak to me daily as i seek you in my heart.

Life... sometimes you just break

how's life some people may ask... well i say life can be great but sometimes you need a break.
a break is something that i badly need right now... I just wish i could just go out to somewhere nice and just sit down relax read books that i've been wanting to read and sip tea.

Sometimes we just get over loaded with so many things coming our way.
Trip to monkey beach was good except for all the heavy bags. had a time of worship there with mosquitos accompanying us all night through. didn't get to show Ju the phosphorescence coz the moon was too bright over the beach that night.

Been really low for the past week. One of the worst weeks in my entire life almost everything went wrong. So dry spiritually, physically, and everything else.. . Just so worn out from everything. Spent a lot of money on college which is totally insane every week is just buying something every other day. God Help!! If i had a choice i wouldn't be doing this but i just don't so i guess i'll have to live with that for another year or so. if i say life is good now i'd be lying so i'll just say life is not good at all. signing out!

someone's watching over me

Love this song
-------------------------------------------

I found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
But something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight.

So I won't give up
No, I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.

I've seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time, and I won't be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone, and right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams.

So I won't give up
No, I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong even if it all goes wrong
When I’m standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.

It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes.
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself, and follow your heart.

So I won't give up No, I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong even if it all goes wrong
When I’m standing in the dark I'll still believe
That I won't give up
No, I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong even when it all goes wrong
When I’m standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over, someone's watching over, someone’s watching over me.
Oh, oh
someone’s watching over me.

Questions...

who am i?
whats my purpose in this life?
how can i know the true calling of mine?
where can i go to find the answer?

why do i feel like i'm lost at times
many times i need an answer
but it doesn't seem to be clear
to answer my questions

so many things that happen in a lifetime
so many hurts that i go through
so many dreams yet to come true
yet there's no answer to my questions

i feel so down so many times
but the day before was a great time
i can't see the road clearly
everything just seems to be blurry

can't immagine life without the One
can't let go of what i'm holding on
just one thing to do, that's pray
but still can't find the answer to my questions

wondering if it's me thats blind
or is it that i have to find
the answer of a life time
to all those my questions

lying in the life of someone
who's held me high in times of cries
that flood the room
with sorrow answered with love

... author: JamesT~
... date: April 16 - 2005
... time: 12:50 a.m.

Will You

See you sittin' next to the window in the bedroom
She brakes down - brakes down
Crying over something and starin' into nothin'
Afraid now - hate now Wanting, needing, haunting, it's killing me
Faking what has happened to live the life like that man
I'll brake down - It's fake now

Will you, Will you love me tomorrow?
So Will You, Will you stay with me today?

Fade in and out of reason to fight the way she's feelin'
She brakes down - brakes down
Going through the motions
and holding onto hopes and her dreams now - somehow
Shaken, mistaken, forsaken, it's killing me.
Wishing you could change, but he's always been this way
If you leave now - I'll drown

brothers

i believe there's nothing that can break their relationship.
had this thought while i was having my siesta.. you know there's no one that can replace my brother. even though we fight and all that at timesbut there's just this bond that keeps us together. there are times when i've rally felt like going at him but after that we were cool again.
another time he was so mad at me that we didn't talk for 2 weeks i felt i was mising something at that time.. but we reconciled after that.
even though now we have different personalities i still appreciate him.
love ya bro

Glory defined.. ministered by the lyrics of this song

Artist: Building 429Song
Title: Glory defined lyrics

There's always a better way
there's always a bridge that needs crossings
there's always the straight and the narrow
the wide and the shallow
But I know that you're guiding me
and the best is yet to come
You've given me hope for tomorrow
and I know some day

I'll wake up to find Your glory defined
and I will finally bow at your feet
I will lift up your name in honor and praise
when I cross over Jordan
I know that I'll be running home to you

It's always the simple things
it's always the obvious that crashes over me
It's always in front of meit helps me to remember
this is what I live for
and I can't wait

there's never a question in your message
never a moment without your presence
there's never a doubt in my mind
that I'll..

wake up to find Your glory defined
and I will finally bow at your feet
I will lift up your name in honor and praise
when I cross over Jordan
I know that I'll be running home to you

one of those days...

Yesterday was one of the happiest days in my life.. Can't sleep, I don't know why.. i'm being ministered to by songs from United's new album with the song All I need is You and Deeper. Just can't help it but to shed tears of joy just feeling God's love for me.. No words can express how I feel in my heart. There's just such a deep feeling of joy in my heart now. I feel like writing out a song to Him.

So i Look to You... No one else will do...

Been touched by lots of songs lately..
the past weeks been pretty cool experiencing God through serving in missions. what was awesome was when i was talking to pastor Heok Cheow and he was talking about promoting the mission field and all that he said was right on target of what i so wanted to do.. I was smiling and telling God i know this is what You want me to do... I will answer that.
My passion is to do all these things like, videos, photos, brochures, websites etc etc. and it was like a conformation when pastor Heok Cheow told me about that.. Listening to new song form United called Look to You and the words really sink deep into my heart... just bringing all my worries to God.. one other song that really sustained me was 'take all of me' where it says in one part "..Your grace is all i rely on..." it's really God grace that keeps me going..
Really thank You God for all that you've done for me.. it's your grace that sustains me.. without you i'm not strong enough and will fall.. coz of u i'm able...

i can only imagine...

Today was awesome.. i mean just the fact that God was moving in our midst. March 11th... man... what a date. A day where people have a date with God. ain't it awesome..? i am refreshed with such wonderful time of worship even though i'm exhausted from playing 18 songs+ i really felt God move and i can only pray that it stays in our hearts as we left. I believe those who were genuine were touched and i believe there were many. from youth camp.. the idea of a youth rally broke out and seemed like sumthing normal.. with someone giving the idea that maybe we should have a rally thing... but slowly things came to pass and looking back i can see God's hand in all this.. the people... the music... the equipment... but what's beyond and above it all is Jesus our King. When He starts something it doesn't end. even if the devil try to stop us from worshiping the almighty he will never succeed because He that's in me is greater than he that's in the world. God is good..

Quote for today

"... If you expose your children to your anger, make sure they're around when you forgive each other. Teach them how to deal with the issue without attacking the person. Let them know that a difference of opinion can lead to a decision that makes things better for everyone, and also that you can be wrong and still be respected and loved. This may mean teaching them things you were never taught. If so, learn from the mistakes of your parents and pass it on to your children. Forgive when you're hurt and don't take your resentments to bed. Jesus said you must forgive "so that your Father in heaven may forgive you"(Mk 11:25 NIV). Do it for the sake of your children. .. "


am i nerdy? i think maybe just lucky

The prayer of the righteous avails much

Prayer meeting today was great. combined with other churches in praying is totally awesome.
The worship was great even though (hate to say this but) the drums weren't that great but the timing and all was good... ok forget the technical side.

The speaker tonight was Pastor David Crabtree from Australia.. at first i thought it's ok but when He started preaching it was so passionate. Totally caught my attention. He was refering to the passage in Acts 3.

Now i know where my prayerfull instincts come from... my parents.. he was praying for people and all in general.. then he called those who were intecessors to stand then i saw my mom and dad stand... then i knew... :D. really appreciate my parents for what they are i mean the good side hehe. prayed for leaders of the church in penang..
It's awesome to see the church in Penang gather together to pray.. ( am saying church coz we are the church not the building) There was unity in the room.. and one time Ps David asked us to listen to what God wants to say and i felt God say He was proud of us. i almost cried :D.
Ps David was very encouraging... he said thet sometimes we hear God saying things to us and we think that we are not worthy of it but as a matter of fact we have been made worthy when Jesus died on the cross. It's true that we are not worthy on our own, but through Jesus all are made worthy.

Been reflecting on lots of things lately..
one of the things was are we being Christ like as christians. Do we really act the way we should? i know there are many times when the flesh come in and only later when we realized what we've done but it's too late. It's just simple small things that we aren't aware of. In our daily lives, like driving.. do we drive the way we should? are we following the rules and all that.. or when someone cuts our line.. do we let them pass? or do we curse them... or do we pray and bless them. When we order our food.. and it's not what we order.. do we scold the person? or do we treat them nice and tell them properly? or do we just take it? it's our everyday thing that we just dun realize because it has been part of us and a habit for years.. We should always be an example and reflect God in our lives. I for one am not perfect and have many flaws.. recently was around with my classmates and we were talking about laziness and all when i generalized a particular race to be lazy.. it's true that a lot of them are lazy.. but we shouldn't discriminate and say they have brought this on themsleves. when i generalized.. one of my classmates who wasn't a Christian but knows a lot about catholics and some bible stuff said.. that a devout Christian should not discriminate and that totally hit me.. immediately i said a prayer to God for forgiveness.. people are watching us even though most times they do not say anything but it's a fact that as Christians we are being watched closely for any thing that we do, by people and also by the enemy. So live our lives as an example always.. and this will be my message in April :D

ps: those who visit.. read 1 Tim 4:12 through and through.

God's in da house, and all God's people say AMEN!!!

haven't had tiome to write my jounal for sometime now coz been pretty busy with projects in college and stuff. God's been good these few days even though i didn't have much time to do my quiet time. Saturday nite worship was awesome felt God strong while worshiping. March 11 coming soon. Practice was a little noisy today. God do something please. We need God to move and prepare our hearts and keep us humble before Him. Keep our focus on Him and He'll take care of the rest. Whether people comes or not is up to Him what we need is to do our part in worshipping Him and Him alone.

carefull now...

UCAUTION

IN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP JAMES AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES.

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

me? maybe dunno not sure just for fun

How to make a james

Ingredients: 3 parts competetiveness 1 part courage 1 part beauty

Method: Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add fitness to taste! Do not overindulge!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Unity

a recap of what Pastor Cowen preached. more of my own points :D

Unity..... the heart of fellowship.
there can't be fellowship without unity coz when we're not united we don't think alike and like wise have problems.

Romans 12:3-21

it says "...we are not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think, but to think soberly as God has dealt to each one o measure of faith."

it goes on later to say that we are one body in Christ and that means we work together... and that mean we are to be united. We need to work together in order for the body to be functional.
For if one fails to do his part the whole body is affected. So in the same way as we sin the whole body is corrupted not just us. The churh is then affected. this is why we need to e an example.
this reminded me of a verse in 1 Timothy 4:12 where it says "Do not despise you youth... but be an example..."

Rose is rose... 

Do we have to wait for Revival?

"Revival is waiting for us to get hungry"

Just been doing some thinkin lately and this thought just came to my mind about revival..
i'm reminded of what Eunice Lim said before, something about "...do we have to wait till somthing bad happens before we start to seek God for revival..."

We've seen a lot of videos and heard lots of stories about revival happening in various places, among tribal groups and even in cities and countries. What's the similarity between all these places and these people? Desperation. The people were desperate for God and were longing for him to move and change things, why?

The place where they were from was suffering and deteriorating. The people needed somthing to happen because the situation was so bad to the extent that nothing can be done unless a miracle happened. The real question is whether we want to wait until something really bad happens to this nation before we start to seek God and ask Him to move and perform a miracle.
Do we have to wait until it happens before we are desperate for God? I think the answer is no and should be no.

In places where revival happened, the people were so desperate for God to do somthing in hte community that they weren't just praying they were wailing and crying their hearts out to God. We don't have to wait for anything to happen before we do that. We as the church need to have a heart for people, a heart for this nation and a heart for this generation so much so that we get down on our knees and cry out to God to make a change in this community and this nation. Pray for the government, the leaders and elders of the churches in Malaysia. When we do that God's hand will be upon this nation because He hears the cry of His people and He is faithfull to answer our cry. God sees our hearts, what is our desire. Who do we focus on? Is it Him and His kingdom or is it ourselves that we are focusing on. He is faithfull, 1 Thess 5:23-24 "..He who calls us is faithfull, who also will do it..."

So let us start praying and ask Him to move and send revival. Let's get hungry for God. Let's cry out to Him to change this nation.

Becoming More Like Jesus

We are like clay, and You are the potter. - Isaiah 64:8 NCV

God loves you just the way you are, but He loves you too much to leave you that way! His goal for you is to grow, change and begin to reflect the nature of Christ. That means you aren't stuck with today's personality. You don't have to spend the rest of your life with your phobias and hang-ups. You're changeable! You've got real possibilities! Even if you've worried every day of your life, you don't have to worry for the rest of your life. So what if you were born in bigotry and prejudice? You don't have to die that way!

Where did we get the idea we can't change? What's the source of comments like, "It's just my nature to worry," or "I'll always be pessimistic, I'm just that way." Who says so? Would we make such a statement about our body? "It's just my nature to have a broken leg, I can't do anything about it." Of course not! If our body malfunctions we seek help. Shouldn't we do the same with our soul, our sour attitudes and our selfish tirades? Isaiah writes: "We are like clay, and You are the potter." God does not consult your past to determine your future. Like the potter, He can take you, mold you and make you into a vessel of honour.

In Just Like Jesus, Max Lucado writes: "God can no more leave your life unchanged than a mother can leave her child's tear untouched." Maybe this will explain some of the discomfort you're going through right now!

Don't Lose Your Peace!

Let the peace that Christ gives control your thinking. - Colossians 3:15 NCV


The first thing you lose when you step out of God's will is your peace. So if you don't have peace, don't proceed! Many times peace is all God will give you to let you know whether you're in or out of His will.

But how do you get this peace? Listen: "Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything; tell God your needs and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. If you do you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest" (Php 4:6-7 TLB). Notice the words, "Don't worry...instead pray." Prayer transfers the problem from you to Jesus!

Peter writes: "Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you. Be careful - watch out for attacks from Satan...stand firm when he attacks" (1Pe 5:7-9 TLB). Don't give the devil a few days to work you over! The longer you wait to resist him the stronger his hold becomes. The moment you begin to worry, stop and ask yourself, "What's the enemy trying to do here? If I give in to these negative emotions what will the result be?" Paul writes, "Do not give the devil a foothold" (Eph 4:27 NIV). Learn to be smarter than your enemy! Each time he attacks put him to flight by standing on God's Word and declaring: "It is written!" Which brings up the question - how well do you know God's Word?

Living in last days

What is the time we're living in? Many scholars and teachers have said that Christ is coming and it's true. Even though there are many false prophets. We should always becarefull.

Christ coming is near, if we read the book of revelation we will know that we're living in end times. There are already signs that show.. "...wars and rumors of wars..." Israel and Palestine have been at war for ages and ages but now as we know.. they are slowly coming to a treaty and when that happens it's when anti-Christ comes. I believe the tsunami is a wake up call from God to us Christians to rise up and reach out to the world. There isn't much time left before the 2nd coming. The end is near.. are you ready ? or will you be caught unaware and left behind? He comes quitely, will you be sleeping or will you be watching for Him? Stay aware and be prepared. Like Pastor Christina said "WATCH"
BE PREPARED

Always Tell The Truth!

When we lie to each other we are hurting ourselves. - Ephesians 4:25 TLB



Honesty isn't just the best policy; it's the only one! Paul says, "When we lie to each other we are hurting ourselves." When trust is broken it's hard to restore. While telling the truth sounds simple, it takes commitment on three levels.

(1) Verbally. Lying undermines confidence. For example, when somebody denies blowing the family budget or covers up a drinking problem, inevitably there's trouble. But when each partner knows in his or her heart that the other "will hold to the truth in love" (Eph 4:15 NLT), the relationship becomes stronger and more likely to weather storms.

(2) Behaviourally. The Bible says, "Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won't be...in large ones. If you cheat even a little, you won't be honest with greater responsibilities" (Lk 16:10 NLT). You become known as a person of integrity by keeping your word. So, if you make a commitment to do something, do it - even if it costs you or you get a better offer.

(3) In actuality. Why make such a big deal about telling the truth? Because every relationship in your life is based on one thing - trust! When you violate that, you: (a) end up losing your influence and respect with others; (b) constantly live with the fear of being found out, which makes you insecure; (c) have to worry about what you said, and to whom; (d) ironically, get to where you can't believe others, for "as you live your life, you judge your neighbour." So, tell the truth!

The Cost Of A Critical Attitude (5)

Miriam... began to talk against Moses... and the LORD heard this. - Numbers 12:1-2 NIV

Who will want to spend time with you if you monopolize conversation with your latest 'Top-Ten-People-to Hate-List'? Are you constantly pointing out others' weaknesses and faults? Look out! The very people you need most are the ones who'll distance you when you become known as a faultfinder.

Sometimes criticism is inadvertent. On a better day, filled with the Spirit and focused on what's right we'd never say those things. Notice how Aaron said, "We have acted foolishly" (Nu 12:11 NASB). He didn't try to defend his position by saying, "Yes, Moses did marry the wrong person" or "We should have more prominence." No, he realized his position then repented and retreated from it. And you must do that too! Why? Because criticism blocks the flow of God's blessing!

Oswald Chambers wrote, "Whenever you're in a critical temper, it is impossible to enter into communion with God." That's a sobering thought. The momentary relief you get from criticizing others isn't worth the loss of God's presence, is it? To restore the flow of God's blessing you need to confess and forsake your critical attitude, then replace it with a loving one. Why don't you pray: "Lord, forgive me for thinking that my perspective is always right. I acknowledge my arrogance. Give me grace in dealing with others. Help me to celebrate differences and not demand that everyone sees things exactly as I do. Give me victory over my critical attitude today. In Jesus name - Amen."

Blurry

everything's so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody's so empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then i crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that i'll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what your doing
Imagine where you areT
here's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
When ya shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
When ya shoved it in my face

Everyone is changing
There's no one left that's real
To make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
Cause i am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then i crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that i will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what your doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

[chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you where to runaway
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you where to runaway

[chorus]

This pain you gave to me
You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

The Cost Of A Critical Attitude (3)

Miriam... began to talk against Moses... and the LORD heard this. - Numbers 12:1-2 NIV
While a critical attitude doesn't destroy your relationship with God, it certainly hurts your capacity to enjoy His love and presence. Miriam and Aaron started out criticizing their brother
Moses, and ended up feeling the consequences most in their relationship with God. Why? Because God pays attention to the way we treat each other!

"But why does God make such a big deal of this?" you ask. Because when you choose to sin you choose to suffer! Everything God classifies as sin is injurious to you - everything. When God says, "Don't" what He really means is "Don't hurt yourself." When He says, "Don't criticize," He's not trying to deprive you of satisfaction. No, He's saying, "Having a critical attitude goes against the nature of who I've made you to be. Fish were made to swim, birds were made to fly, and you were made to live in fellowship with Me. A critical spirit hinders that fellowship."

Even people who don't claim to be particularly religious are observing the negative effects of criticism upon each of us. Doctor David Fink, author of Release >From Nervous Tension, studied thousands of mentally and emotionally disturbed people. He observed two groups: the stressed-out group and the stress-free group. Gradually one fact began to emerge. The stressed-out group members were habitual faultfinders and constant critics of people and things around them. The stress-free group members were loving and accepting of others. No doubt about it, the habit of criticizing is a self-destructive way to live.

The Cost Of A Critical Attitude (2)

Miriam... began to talk against Moses... and the LORD heard this. - Numbers 12:1-2 NIV
When Miriam criticized Moses, God smote her with leprosy. Notice 3 things:

(1) Not one of us is immune! Miriam was very godly; not only had she saved Moses' life as a child, she also wrote the song of worship to celebrate Israel's crossing of the Red Sea. So we never become so spiritually advanced as to be incapable of a critical attitude.

(2) Sometimes what we focus on isn't the real issue! Listen: "Miriam and Aaron spoke against Moses because of the Cushite woman whom he had married." But was that the real issue? No, listen: "And they said, 'Has the Lord indeed spoken only through Moses? Has He not spoken through us as well?'" Moses' wife was the surface issue; the real issue was Moses' prominence. Their complaint was, "How come he gets all the attention?" Look out! When there's competitiveness in your attitude or resentment in your heart, there'll be criticism on your lips.

(3) Doing God's will doesn't guarantee immunity! Listen: "Moses was very humble, more than any man...on the face of the earth" (Nu 12:3 NASB). Yet even he couldn't escape the pain of self-appointed critics attacking the work he was doing for God.

It was only when Aaron acknowledged, "We have acted foolishly...we have sinned" (Nu 12:11 NASB), did God show mercy and heal Miriam of her leprosy. Now we'd rather reclassify criticism as a weakness, but from God's perspective it's a sin - a genuine, bona fide registered sin! And there's only one way to deal with sin: Repent and stop practicing it.

Passion

"...obedience without passion is just a duty..."
~unknown~


we need to passionate aout what we do and whether it is pleasing to God. Everyone is passonate about something, it maybe music, reading, sports, etc.. whatever it is everyone has a passion.
was listening to the sermon by Pastor Robert Ling and I came across this word Koinonia, yes it does sound like some cake or some "kuih" but it's a greek work for fellowship. it comes from the word Koinos which means share. So fellowship means to share with fellow brethen. I first came acoss this word when I was in Nepal. We were attending an international church where our host attended and it was called Koinonia Patan Church. I thought it was another nepali word but now i know the true meaning of it. There are some cool memories from this church. This is where I built a baptism pool with bricks. There was a baptism that was going to happen on that Sunday but they did't have a baptism pool so they asked our team to help them build one, and since all the guys were used to heavy stuff we started laying bricks with the supervision of an Engineer missionary (pretty cool guy) so we started placing bricks on top of each other and forming it into a wall and made a small shaped pool around. then we added steps to it. But there wasn't any cement or concrete to hold the bricks together, instead the walls were just a support. They used two huge tarps to retain water and that's even cooler.. sometimes they baptise people in wells.. But the best of all was one of our guys who built the baptismal ended up getting rebaptised coz he felt he was ready and wanted to rededicate his life to God. He was baptised with sprinkling when he was a kid thats why he wanted to be rebaptised. But isn't it great to see God's beautiful appointment. He was baptised in his hand built baptismal, and that's the greatest story.

Just a note..

Well about the post before this.. it's not to get at anyone so don't be offended :)
it's my thought and i think it's important for people to not be afraid to have strong, close and healthy relationships with others not neccessarily only having special relationships.
Sorry if anyone feels being "shot" at. :D

Praise God for what has happened... (Why P.O.D. Exist)

God can do things in His own ways. I thank God that through this instance God used POD to save someones live through words. Very few people may understand or like POD and lots of people think they are into the world, yes they may be in the world but they are there serving Jah. Do pray that God will use them even more. This is one of the reasons why POD exists.

take time to read this e-mail sent by a fan:

_______________________________________________________
We are flooded with beautiful emails like this... As we head into a new year, understand that this is why P.O.D. exists.This is what the Warrior family is all about.

Love one another... it’s a wasteland out there.

P.O.D. / Feb. 2005

JOIN THE FORUMS TODAY
http://www.payableondeath.com/

From: katalia ********* (NAME PROTECTED)
Date: January 23, 2005 11:53:40 AM CST
To: webmaster@payableondeath.com
Subject: gratitude

I don't know if Sonny will ever see this or if anyone even bothers to read these things, but if you do, please tell Sonny that he saved a life. I was deeply suicidal. I was about to slash my wrist, but felt that I had to go on the net one last time. I went to a lyric site, and just typed in "Run" for some reason...I just knew that I needed to. I clicked on P.O.D.'s and read it over and over for almost an hour. Then I put the blade away and got help. I would not be here today if it weren't for P.O.D. If Sonny or someone else in the band could write back to me, I would really appreciate it. I do understand though, if nothing comes. May the Lord be with you all, P.O.D. You guys rock!

-kytti (#1 fan)

some quotes & thoughts

"We must love what's good and accept what's still under construction"
~Bob Gass~

Came across this line while doing my devotion days ago...

You know it's interesting the way people think and react to cetain things. For example..
People tend to think "something"s going on with two people when they tend to be a lil closer or maybe talk a lil more.. or get a lil friendlier why's that? it's in people's mind that when a guy and a girl get closer, sumthing's happenin between them. But people don't know the real truth. Many people assume without finding out the real thing and spread it which cause friendly relationships to be hostile and avoided. Well it may be true that some people are actually in a special relationship. but still people shouldn't just simply assume that all are the same. Men were made to have fellowship with one another.. In Pastor's day's they had a group of close friends which was great. In order to share thoughts and things, everyone needs that. We need to communicate with people. When we keep everything to ourselves it will lead to depression and also hostility sometimes. Of course not everything should be told but certainly things that are good like in Philipians 4:6-8 says:

"....whatever things are true, ..noble, ..just, ..pure, ..lovely, ....and if there's anything praiseworthy, we meditate on these things."

also we need to share our troubles and problems with people that we trust otherwise there will be an emotional breakdown... and leads to what i said earlier.

ending with this quote:

"Men and women of God are transformed neither by violence nor by abrupt changes. There is a process of transformation which is achieved through a relationship"

~Claudio Freidzen~

He Remembers

hey guys sry didn't have time to update my log recently so here's sumthing worth reading


God... will not forget your work and the love you have shown. - Hebrews 6:10 NIV


James Sizoo said:

"Glamour isn't greatness, applause isn't fame, prominence isn't eminence. The man of the hour isn't apt to be the man of the ages. A stone may sparkle but that doesn't make it a diamond. People may have money but that doesn't make them a success. It's the seemingly unimportant people who determine the course of history. The greatest forces in the universe are never spectacular. Summer showers do more good than hurricanes but they don't get a lot of publicity. The world would soon die but for the fidelity, loyalty, creativity and commitment of those whose names are un-honoured and unsung."

You may not think you count for much in God's kingdom because you don't have certain limelight gifts like preaching, teaching or leading in public. Wrong! Listen: "God...will not forget your work and the love you have shown...as you...helped His people." The Bible says, "People look at the outside...the Lord looks at the heart" (1Sa 16:7 NCV). God sees you working behind the scenes, caring for sick or aged loved ones, raising your children, encouraging others and contributing where you can.

Will Rogers said, "We can't all be heroes, somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." So remember, when you think you're too small to do big things, try doing small things with a big heart. And one more thing: "Don't get discouraged and give up, for [you] will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time" (Ga 6:9 NLT). That's a promise God will keep!