Ninja 250R

Now I've been looking and looking and looking for a long time now for a new bike hahah.. and guess what i've been setting my eyes on lol. That's right, the Kawasaki 250R ninja. This is a totally awesome bike that's to my license permit haha. Everytime i watch the review it makes me want it more heheh check them out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jlzKWAnQzI

post Rising Star

The highly anticipated match for the season arrived and went in a whiff.
And here's the spread of the day events.

First-off i was assigned to team Bak Chang with awesome team mates and although i yell a lot during practice for me it's so they know what they do wrong and can learn on the spot. It's not because i'm angry or whatever at them. At times yes i'm a little frustrated but i do it for the yelling is to point out the mistakes and yes i do make mistakes also and i know it when i do obvious ones sometimes uncalled for but everyone needs to learn right?

So back to the main topic of the competition, I hardly yelled i think i only enLARGED my volume a couple times XD. I'd say our team did a pretty decent job despite the inexperience and lack of court sense. Team captain Wayne did a good job of holding the team together and providing the two bottles of 100 plus which helped quench the thirst and replenish the lost of sugar and salt.

Our first game was against the SXI boys who really showed us that young guns can have a go (or maybe coz i'm old -.-'') for the goal. We did underestimate our opponents although we ourselves were pretty on the weak side and sending only 1 and a half lines we had no chance of changing lines and also the level difference of the first line and second was a little unbalanced so we didn't have enough fire power up front. Also since it was our first game on court i think we were all a little disorganized and was just everywhere on court which really took a toll on our strength and stamina which cost us a 3 goal lost. Although i we took a few shots at goal their defense dis a good job at blocking our war and one shot that i could've sent in went straight into the goalie's chest in vain.. Defensive error also played a major part in the conceding of goals. The last goal that came was totally a blow for me since it actually hit my thigh and deflected into the top corner of the goal. Anyways our goalie was new to the arena too so we all still love him with his numerous saves =D kudos Nic.

So after that we got together for a post mortem of the first game to see where we can improve and every player respectively gave an input into the betterment of the team. So after the short(long) discussion we went for a team boost cheer BAKCHANG!!! and went into to catch the ongoing game.

Finally our turn was up and this time against Contact who had Coach Ed as their goalie -.- totally didn't expect that till right before the match when Ben Ong came and told me.. so a bit surprised la haha eh Penang head coach kay who not intimidated? lolz.. but anyways.. got the team together to get our mental straight don't care who the opponent is we do our best coz if they're not gonna hold back so why bother holding back? XD
And out we went against team Contact, which proved a tough run. game was fast paced and high energy it was up down up down for both teams. And being on defense the field of run was just a little more than the forwards or so it seemed. With a weaker forward line i tried to make shots from the middle court and also having the duty of guarding the offense player on the other team Ben Ong which is pretty lethal in the goal face there was a lot of running to do but the light came in not long into the game when i managed to make a shot a goal from a semi-drag shot which nailed the fist goal for the team and also the last. I had hopes that at least we could hold the fort but then on the attempt to make a second chance at goal i fell in front of the opponent goal which put me out of the game for quite a bit as i fell on my nerve and got my whole butt numb.. then when i finally got in our score was equalized and towards the end another shot was sent in by Charmaine also due to a blur defense so yeah..

So we went out after the game to have a brief debriefing time. and although we lost we did our best for this time round so we still stood up like winners with cheers for the FireBrands, our mental, bak chang and DIV 1!!!!

p.s. mind you i didn't have enough sleep two days straight before the game so very low...

My new SHOEEEE!!!

You know the song "these boot were made for walking"

Well... i got the other version of "These Shoes Were Made For Running!!"
i got these yesterday :) thanks to the help of my brother.. i got to use them today although i flat-out(ed) just 100m before the finish line T.T

Training Trane-ing

Coach Ed said... Today first day la.. so we'll take it easy then he added "relatively"... lol
Relatively is a bad word in my vocabulary hahaha. Physical training outdoors for the first time so didn't really know what to expect except that it would be physically challenging? i guess.

And so after work.. which was near by, went straight to Bukit Dumbar for the routine. Reached there and everyone started showing up one by one so we waited and waited not too long and finally everyone arrived. I thought it was gonna be some sort of a obstacle-ish type of training with runs here and there on the top part. Then i realized.. No, we weren't going up there and we gathered at the sloppy side and i thought to myself.. wah... run up and down the slope? confirm GG... since so long haven't trained on my own. haven't gone jogging for at least couple of months. But thankfully that didn't happen although in the next coming training we will get there eventually..

But for today.. we were spared the hardship and went for the middleship lol. We did warm a warm up round around the circuit we were to run later. Then came the drill. groups of four jogging speed then fourth person sprint to take lead for about 10-15 steps then next last person sprint and same thing over and over for 5 rnds. So people in my group were Des, Sam, Jason and I. We started off steady setting our pace with some groups in front some behind then we took over the lead for the rest of it i think. We went on and on and on and on and on and then the final round.. was thinking wah Coach Ed didn't join our group, so we must be doing quite alright.. then as we went down the stairs he was in front of us.. and we overtook him.. in my mind i was thinking please don't overtake us... XD.. I was already starting to have minor cramps near my stomach.. then it happened, He took over.. and boy it was my turn to overtake him.. so i did and then Deswyn..... Boy did i die after that.. coach did an extended sprint after that and totally cramped up trying to push myself for the last 200m all thanks to the stupid bun i had like 5 mins before running. Don't know what i was thinking... haih... never let that happen again hahah..
However at the end of it, it was all worth it and fun :) i'll be sure to improve the next time round

Whoah Training ROCKS!!

Well well, it's been a while since state training got going and finally after a whole div 1 league and a few weeks past it's finally reinstated. And boy it was awesome although it's the first one after so long haha. I feel alive again.. it was all good cept for the part i got locked in the changing room while changing... -.- imagine changing clothes.. then suddenly lights off and doors locked lol.. course i was shocked but luckily ppl were still around or i would have to climb out through the window.. hahah

anyways... next week is the killer week which i'm looking forward to lolz.. haven't experienced it before so it'll be fun to find out to what extent i can push myself. I'm also thinking if i should join the 7km run in support of cancer patients which goes around the botanical gardens and youth park.. hmm.. hard to consider... XD it's a sunday morning too haiz...

Vindicate me Oh Lord

Praise to You Almighty God
All creation sing praise
For You have done great things

The earth is the Lord's
And everything in it
Praise Your Holy Name

I will seek You Oh Lord
In times when I'm weak
I will seek You
Even when I am strong

For my strength comes from You
Oh Lord my God

Alone I am unable
Only through You I am able
For You are faithful
Even when I fail You
Because You made me
And You know me

Even now when I am afflicted
When I'm shaken and in pain
You will lift me up
When I'm weary and down trodden
You will strengthen me
For those who wait on You
Will renew their strength

I wait on You Oh Lord
I wait on You
I will continually Praise You
forever I will Praise You

Vindicate me Oh Lord
From the things that surrounds me
Save me Oh Lord
Rescue me from the hand of the enemy
Those who seek to destroy me
Vindicate me
That I may rise once again to give You praise

Bless Your name forever
May Your name be blessed

The Dwelling of My King

In the city on the hill

There Your presense is

For You are Holy

And none can match Your name

For I seek You daily

So I may see Your face

That I may dwell

In Your house forever

The one thing I desire

That I will seek

To dwell in Your house

It's to dwell in Your house

You alone deserve the praises

The praises of Your people

It rises to you

Like sweet incense

Like fragrant oil

Rising up to bless You

I will bless Your name forever

Skipped, Passed, and Next Please

The phrase i've always heard whenever I wanted to do something when i was younger was oh you're too young. The first time I heard that blowing call was when i wanted to go for youth camp the first time. Well i was 12 and young, correct but so were the rest of the 12 year olds who did manage to go. I told my parents I wanted to go for the camp and guess what? You're still young, too young for that. No one can take care of you there bla bla bla... earlier on I wanted to follow my brother cycling when I was in langkawi, guess what you so young cannot go... guess what there were two guys younger than me who went...

When i wanted to work at 15.. oh no.. you're too young when i wanted to drive, oh no too young.. Seriously the number of "too young's" I've heard in my whole life is unimaginable. Don't remember how many times i've heard it. Anyways.. so i guess i have to wait till i'm older eh? So wait i did. Pouring all effort and energy into people working things out. Just waiting to get older. And one fine day I did grow older, but guess what now i'm too old. All my life I've heard prophecies of "you'll be a leader among people" but time and time I've only seen it skipped by me. Circumstances are always " i pick you, and you, and you, and *skip*, and you." These are your new leaders.

Time and time I offered to serve, but no i'm underqualified, you're over qualified for this small thing. It's ok, you should go do something better. I can't count the number of turndowns and excuses given. Well is this what it means to be that stallion, to be that leader, to be called. I don't know. Sometimes, and honestly speaking I've been tested and tried so so many times. It feels like it's too much. Too many times that I don't know when will be the day I leave it all. Is that what it takes? To forsake all? To leave all the "call" if it now exists for what's out there. If that's the measure of tolerating the words that i've been hearing then I might be forced to make the choice of leaving behind lies and deception. I don't know why people keep reminding me about oh.. remember you call and all bla bla bla.. what's there to remember when there's no help coming my way. I've done so many things, to look for an opening only to end up in denied answers. And people complain that I haven't done anything when they don't see the extent of where i've pushed myself sometimes.

Even in places where I can excel, I've been pushed aside just like that. In things i cannot achieve i accept, because there's someone who's better let him do it. But in areas i know i have strength in I've also been placed under the drawer. I am happy for the one chosen but i don't know how to react to those choosing. I sometimes feel like blowing up in myself. All those effort put in to bring up standards of people pushing myself to be better at what i do so i can be of help to those weaker and struggling pushing the tray from the bottom. To end the date with "oh you've all come a long way, now you're leaders." And the guy at the bottom stays at the bottom still pushing those on top higher and higher until they are able to rise themselves.

But I guess the only thing holding me on is that Jesus was the greatest servant when He was the greatest leader, He was God who came and served on the earth He created. Who am i compared to him. What's there for me to complain? With God in perspective, my answer is I have no right to complain. Fatalism says just wait till the worst happens. Hope says wait till the end of days. Hope? or Illusion? Your call. My answer? Hope only in God.

No Boundaries

Okay this is uber late if you consider the topic hahah but here's my two cents on the AI season with Lambert and that Allen dude. With all the rustle going on with who's better and who deserved the win I'll just put a little thought to it.

Personally I do think Adam has a better and unique voice. High pitches, although some sharp notes but blends nonetheless. When he did the song no boundaries I think it was prime rearranging the vocal parts was genius and nailed it perfectly. Studio recording would be easy for a guy with good pitches and range. I say it'll take no time for the producers to sign this guy and come up with loads of albums.

As for Adam, the video was totally cool with the spins and angle casts but, his voice was just not there. It was obvious that he couldn't reach the high notes and was bursting out his veins when he tried. I personally think that what he did was not up to par with the standard and it's totally not his kind of song. Although the studio recording makes him sound nice, i bet the ammount of tweaks needed to enhance the vocals would be immense. Hard word given nonetheless. When he did "Ain't No Sunshine," it was definitely a better piece.

However what's said is just personal thoughts and well sorry if you're a Kris fan and you feel offended. Well it's not the end. All decided the win still went to Kris. I did not follow through the season so i've only heard a couple of his songs which he did well actually and i liked them. Just the final piece wasn't his type of song to finish with. Based on the last performance results I still think Adam should've won but Kris did. So... with the ending song it definitely added meaning to the song as it was then proven that the lyrics described his journey there. It just added more meaning to the song at the end.

(I do not idolize any singers just like some of their work, comments are performance based)

The update post

So I haven't been able to update for a bit since i haven't been home enough lately to use the computer. Now that I'm back I guess then I'm somewhat obliged to at least put up something here.

Post 1
The Riders Live
As you can see the title says it all. After weeks and months of not getting together finally we managed to pull off a day with 5 members on the field one fine Sunday, July 19th. Although we were anticipating a few more, some were out with injury or just away from town that weekend. All said, we managed to do a few basic drills on the field.

Post 2
The Riders Live II
And again The Riders live to see a second consecutive week. This time we had a shattering record of 11 people attending our Sunday scrimmage. Those present were Justin, Julian, Andrew, Daniel, Myself, Samuel Thum, and Justin's three friends Andrew, Fred, CM, and Sern (don't really know how to spell their names, my bad) who seemed really interested in the game and not forgetting Gary who came albeit a minor injury on his knee.

We started off a time of introducing the rules and techniques to the newcomers who were eager to learn and then had a few warm-up tosses to help them familiarize. Then we split into two teams Team 1: Julian, Justin, Sern, Andrew Ng, Fred. Team 2: Me, CM, Sam, AndrewC, Daniel.
yes... it seemed pretty imbalanced with the picks but we had fair picks XD.

Team 2 started the game from our 10 which got us up past midfield however a lost of yards was called due to carelessness. So on our last draw near our endzone I threw a long to AndrewC who caught the ball perfectly only to run precfectly out of bounds too with only a yard left for touchdown and while everyone was staring with disbelief he was celebrating his "touchdown."

So a turnover and ball on Team 1's 10. I'd have to say they made a good run down field but i guess due to inexperience their recievers couldn't catch the ball to make it count.

Team 2 had more experienced ball handlers which brought the team to put points on the scoreboard when it mattered. With long haulers like AndrewC and Daniel. Long passes was the ace card for the quarterback who was also able to run fast to rush the ball a good 12 yards to gain a first down which then led to the first touchdown. 3 points to team 2.

Team 1 finally had a good run and brought the ball close to their endzone. But Team 2 set up a goal line formation which put a good stop to their sneaky play of a QB dive to push them back another 2 yards and forced them to go with a pass play to score a TD. So the score tied to 3-3.
The next few touchdowns was from Team 2 with a criss-cross of the WR and HB down field team1's single CB was caught up in a mess as he didn't know who to follow resulting in a TD for Team2. and another touchdown after that from Team2 again. So with the last row for Team1 They decided to go for a long. QB Julian was in for it this time. Sending his twin towers up field and even his TE to a streak he made a long pass up their lawn into the midfield but came short. Team2's FS who managed to see the shortcoming was a little quicker then team1's TE to intercept the ball and run for a returning TD to end the day with a four to one touchdown resulting in a 12-3 score.

We hope to see more people coming next week so we can all learn this game make friends and connect with others with the same passion.

Drums and Roses

My next target for adding to my drums collection is cymbals. since i've got my double paddle and piccolo snare, the next big thing would be killer cymbals and i know just the right one to get at the right price :D check it out...


uh.. yeah ideally would be this one.. but no..



er.. yeah even better a set of this.. but for now.. no







voila!! this!! heheh stagg cymbals they kinda look like HHX but sounds crisp too so yeah.. my target for now

In The Valley

Ladies and Gents.. I'm only human, and humans are entitled to face failures sometimes. It's been a while since I've felt this lost actually. I've always held my head high and thought through things before actually acting on something. I weigh my choices and look at the options I have and find the best way to reach the goal I've placed in front of me. Even the small things that I was left to choose I'll give it sometimes of thought before acting and all these thinking and planning made my path clear and focused. Right? WRONG!!

As soon as I thought I was on the right track, and that I've done the right thing by choosing to do Theological studies I was thrown with options and others distractions and attractions. I thought it was the one right thing that I can even do with my choice right? I mean people around me look and say "whoa.. you're gonna be like your dad eh? going to be a pastor?" hah WRONG again (this time not on my side) I never saw myself being a pastor now seriously. I've always had a heart for missions and media. So I'm sorry to disappoint all of you out there who think I'm on the track of being a pastor like my dad or someone else. I did not go into theological education to come out with a beaming degree in theology that enables me to sorta walk up to people and say "I am Pastor James!" or whatsoever. None of that was ever taken into account. It was for my own growth and insight so I can be more effective in my future task or at least am able to answer questions thrown at me, it was to help me develope a mind and heart that is Christ centered and not just head knowledge that wasn't even really capable of understanding the true meaning of being a Christian.

As hard as it was for me to make the decision to enter into theological enducation, it is even harder for me now to consider my next step from here. Not to say i don't trust God or anything. I honestly believe in His sovereignty and His faithfullness in providing for those who honor and serve Him. But i also believe that sometimes we have to make a conscious decision as to whether we want to do His bidding or not and that does not necessarily mean we have to go to wherever people see fits the puzzle. Sometimes He uses us in different ways than that of which we could imagine. I'm certainly now in a place where i can no longer see any light or any road or any direction that I should be going in. I feel totally lost, like i am in the valley or darkness. I need a miracle, i need a sign, i need God to show right now i need to know what to do or i'm just gonna sit here and wait until something happens.

It brings tears to my eyes when i think of the things i've done, or the so many times i've screwed up and made bad choices and what's worse than thinking it's the right thing and then to have to turn back and say i blew it after people see a worth in backing you up and to see all that support just seemingly go to waste? I don't know but i can't bear the thought of making people think i'm not a finisher because i can't finish something i was so determined it was the right thing for me to do. I need to just pray until i hear an answer. oh God..

Dancing on the clouds

Say so most of you have heard of my trip to Sarawak haha.. well i'm officially in MIRI!! woohoo :D
The journey wasn't as expected tho.. The flight was set for 3p.m. so i took a bus from Bangsar area where I waited for like (seems like) ever for the bus to Sentral. Thankfully Ju was there waiting with me even though it was as hot as hell... From Sentral I didn't have time to go get what i needed/wanted coz of the lack of time so immediately i went on the AirAsia bus and headed for LCCT. Met up with my parents there then ate at McD and then checked in our luggage. So we moved on into the waiting hall for our plane at about 2:20 so we waited patiently :) till the clock struck 2:40 there was still no sign of our plane... then the dreaded part of the wait came.. the announcement ring haha.. "ladies and gentleman, bla bla bla..." the flight was delayed for an hour and 20 mins... wth???!!! ah... i knew i should've just went shopping earlier on haha wanted to buy a rubix cube actually but didn't sheesh totally should've. So finally 4:20 and our plane came.. but yeah.. guess what we only took off at 5ish.. then there was one guy who complained to the stewardess and all claim for free food yadda yadda haha which was funny just watching and kinda embarassing as well when my parents were also talking to him and all lolz..
(but we do get to claim actually eheh)
anyways.. on to the journey we took off in a cloudy hazy dark sky.. sent off by a kumulunimbus cloud.. too bad i didn't have my dad's camera with me otherwise could've totally took awesome shots. the skyline was just beautiful at 37,000 ft with rolling clouds, thin clouds, then there were parts where the plane was sanwiched by clouds on top and below it's just amazing and showing how God is such an awesome designer and creator.
we landed at about 7:20 and my bro picked us up.. went to an awesome house...

the house from outside

the guest book

the awesome room ( i was supposed to stay here too) but if i did no updates d haha

lovely fruit basket

... and they got a kitchen too

Then we went for dinner after dropping their(parents) stuff at the house. OH and there's a Jalan Bunga Tanjung here haha just like Penang.. although it was too dark to see anything Josh still took us round here and there to see the town lolz..

makan time haha!! seafood!!

more food..

my bro's ride


and... finally that's me with Percy haha (josh's cat)


guess that's it for now.. the cat has been jumping up and down.. running here and there going crazy and all lolz.. that's all for today haha more pics will be up on facebook tomorrow hopefully :D

Blog transfer

For those of you know follow, although it's a small number to none i presume hahah, i've always had two blogs, one tabulas account and this one. both serving different purposes with tabulas being more a daily thingy (although not daily updated) or a what i'm going through update and this blog being a more artistic or poetic, sharing thoughts kind of a blog.

however i've decided to change the method and combine both blogs into this one so the tabulas will be sort of left to die :D with a notice that i've changed to this one. so yeah do check back for more updates :D

Word For Today

Rules For Handling Anger (2)

Let each one of you speak truth... - Ephesians 4:25 NKJV

Rule 2: Keep it non-lethal. Paul writes: 'In your anger do not sin... ' (Ephesians 4:26 NIV). What do Paul's words mean? Don't let your anger escalate to the point of doing damage. Don't use your words as a weapon or a control mechanism. It's okay to express your emotions in a healthy way, but keep them in check. Your goal must be to resolve the problem and strengthen the relationship, not 'sound off' and wound the other person. Is this easy to do? No. You'll need a good strong dose of grace to do it. Words spoken in jest, sarcasm, self-righteousness or 'righteous indignation' wound people, sometimes permanently. '... Perverseness [of the tongue] breaks the spirit.' (Proverbs 15:4 NKJV). '... A crushed spirit who can bear?' (Proverbs 18:14 NIV). 'The tongue can bring death... ' (Proverbs 18:21 NLT). Angry words, once unleashed, can: '... Go down into a man's inmost parts' (Proverbs 26:22 NIV). Your words can live in the heart and memory of a person and go all the way to the grave with them. We say, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,' but it's not true. A person can die of a crushed spirit, and the one who spoke the words can live to regret the damage they inflicted and never get a chance to undo it. On the other hand, anger properly handled never needs to be repented of. So learn to differentiate between the anger you feel and the words you speak. Anger carefully thought through, can reveal important information about needed changes. Focus on that, and ask God to show you what needs changing in the other person; and you!

All of us - a song by Blindside

As soon as you stepped through my door,
I saw You for the first time all over again.
And time well spent seems
Lonelier than the way it used to go.

As I smell you for the first time all over again
I'll begin to remember to be alive
So if you don't mind
I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve,
'Cause I'm tired of not being able to breathe.

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.
All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark

I've felt a loss for some time
I slipped, stumbled, but fell face first
straight into your hand.
Then I hit my head on your palm
And waking up to the smell
Of tears drying up in the sand

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.
All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark

I washed my wounds with tears of hope.
I washed my wounds with tears of hope.
I just ...

All of us are searching for an open arm
Well, it's a shame how I pull myself apart.
When it's the same words making me run for cover to your arms.

(All of us are searching for an open arm)
When it's the same words making me run for cover to your arms.
(All of us are searching for an open arm)
(All of us are searching for an open arm)

The Easter Post

A man traveling through the great city once known to have the most glorious building known as the Temple, once stood in all its magnificent glory now only in a rubble and one wall standing...

As he stood there staring at the enormous wall..things began to twirl around felling dizzy and unsure of what was happening he felt himself lifted up and began spinning till everything went black..

When everything finally came to a stop he slowly opened his eyes.. must've been a bad headache he thought to himself. As he turned around to walk back to his lodge he noticed from the corner of his eye something different about the wall, so he turn about to get a better look again and true enough the wall was different. It was proper and no cracks to be found on it no eroding bricks or broken edges was seen.. "What happened?!" panicking he quickly looked around hoping to find something familiar. But to his horror the buildings around him before were gone, he could see only dirt covered huts a little distance away, small square buildings were the only sort of buldings seen around. The roads were dustier than ever and then he noticed people wearing robes in front of what was the temple front, but their robes werre different from what he saw earlier at the wall and now there was no one facing the wall. He hurried down to see what was happening.. The Temple stood there.. There was no longer a mosque on the flat concrete, there was no concrete! It was the temple he was facing. Suddenly the people in front of the temple noticed him. They shouted "Who are you?!" and "What are you doing there?," He couldn't find the words to answer, the language he learnt was a little different.. suddenly someone shouted "He's a spy!!" realizing he was in deep trouble, he turned and ran as fast as he could toward the little houses, the closest he could find looking for a place to hide. He ran and ran, turned at corners trying to avoid anyone in sight looking for an open door or a hole he could just run in to hide, then he saw a small opening at the end of one of the lanes and dashed toward it as fast as he could but as he turned.. Wham!! he ran into a big wall.. he didn't see it there before.. again he was in a daze.. everything went blank and all he could hear was the ring in his head from the hit..

...to be con't..

Making Decisions

In life there's so many things we go through that shape our life, shape our values and goals at the end of the day. We grow up under the tender and loving care of our parents for those of us who are blessed to see our begotters till our mature age. They choose the things that they deem to be purposeful, things that will help us grow, nurture us to grow up to be good people. Luk 11:11 "Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he?.....(11:13) So if you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children..."

As we grow older we are given more responsibility and more choices to make. Instead of being fed, we have to work for our food. Slowly and under careful watch we learn the lesson of choice and consequence and we learn to be responsible mature adults at the end of the day. I for one am an example of this lesson and have grown to appreciate the times i am able to discern for myself the things which i'm called to. Yes it's true i've made choices that do not reflect the Father, but i'm under his gracious love and careful watch. And to my lost it took me so many years of my intellectual age to realize this truth and reality of life.

Even to the many mistakes I've made along the way from growing up given the chance to make mistakes, fall and pick myself up again I'm ever thankful for His mercy and care. Through the years I was in college, picking up bad habits and falling time and time again into temptations to fall short I'm ever tried and torn in the reality that I still haven't awaken to face which is that i can't do it on my own. From the time i've finished college to the transition of work i continue to make choices that saddens the Father as He watches with pain and always longin to see me turn back to Him.

It's when i finally lost the reason for fighting for my life and being called by the helper that i finally looked back to him. And when i did, He called. I answered without hessitant. My plans and goals, put on hold, even some were totally thrown away. However, even as i answered that call and went to seminary it was a blunt, blind and goalless path with my eyes so filled with my own desires. I was still falling in my ways and though in a seemingly safe environtment I was running away, making my own decisions, putting the "ME" at the centre of my life. It took me a year after to realize that the "I" was sitting and ruling my own heart. I cried, and i wept when i realized my foolishness in my own ways.. I've hurt the father so many times that an earthly father might resort to disown a son, but He so lovingly shed His blood that i might be forgiven and made whole so i may come to Him again.

I thought to myself that if i had gone away to another place to learn more of His word I might not turn out half as bad as i went. But the truth in the matter is that no matter where i went, if my heart wasn't prepared i will end up the same as i am in my possition here. It's to the realization that He needs to be the centre and on the throne of our hearts that will transform us into submitting to His will.

i do not deny the fact that there is a chance i might be different from what i went through here if i went abroad, but when i do come back as a different person so to speak what impact will it cause to the lives of those i mingle with here. They will but look at me and say "OH, He's changed now we can't go near to him..."? Is that the person i want to see myself become? Yes i do want to change into a better Christ-like person but i see myself being placed here so that my change gradually will also gather those around me to be changed into what He's called us to. And it is my prayer that i will be a light unto this world more and more each day, a life i will myself to sacrifice for the sake of His Kingdom and His love. I still am learning to be more and more like Him. It's a lesson and a choice of surrender and submission to Him in which i have to make each day.

Making Decisions  POSTED AT 03:09 AM January 26th, 2009

Praise Belongs To You

Gave me life
Washed me clean
Took my sins
upon the cross
Shed your blood
bore my shame

pre# now all i live is for Your name
All my days proclaim Your fame

Ch# I'm gonna sing Your praise
Gonna raise it to the ends of the earth
gonna praise You till the end of days
My life i choose to live for You
All Glory and Praise to You
Jesus my praise belongs to You

Showed the world
You love so great
To give Your live
a sacrifice
So that all
Might be called to you

**
Now all I'm called
Is to give my all
All you want is
for me to take your love
to all the world

Change? What change?

The recent things happening around us in this lifetime are changing for the better or the worse as we deem it good or bad for us. Everyday changes are happening around us, some that we know and others that we know not of.

Our life as Christians should be one that has undergone change the day we first received the gift of salvation and that if we really, truly in our hearts know the meaning of salvation. What does it mean to enter into the kingdom of God? Are we in for the amount of 'blessings' we are able to get from Him? are we then, in it for the sake of His love for us that He had given us His life?

A lot of us pray for change to happen. We ask God to change our situation, we ask Him to change our bosses, we ask Him to change those around us, or those more righteous will ask God to change our lives, or change the world to be a better place. Asking Him to change our community, our nation, and lives. But do we look inside the center of it all? Why isn't anything happening? why do we still see the world to be a place full of brokenness, where revival is not happening or seems so near yet so far.

We are not in need of change. We are lacking in repentance. God has given in us the cross everything. We ask for more of Him, more of the Holy Spirit, but the truth in the matter is that He has given us more than we need. The cross has said it all, He has given it all. The question is are we letting Him work in us, through us. Do we allow Him to use us. If we truly genuinely have experienced the gift of salvation, the grace he has shown us, if we really understand the meaning of his death on the cross that change that we so ask of Him for will happen starting from within us because He has enabled us through the power of the Holy Spirit.

If we Do not repent don't talk about change, if we don't make a choice, don't talk about change.. If only we repent, turn from our own ways, understand the grace that He has given us and make that conscious decision to change then only change will take place. We can't change if we keep on praying "God change me" and do nothing about our own lifestyle. If we do not align our world view to the way God sees things how will change take place?

We need to turn from our wicked ways, take up our cross, follow Jesus. Do we have the heart for the lost? Do we see those around the way God sees them? He has died on the cross for all of them even the neighbor you hate so much, even the junkie that you despise. The fact that He has died on the cross says that they are worthy to receive his gift. Who are we to judge whether he or she is worthy of receiving the saving grace of the Father? Judge not lest we be judge by the measure in which we judge. We are called to tell of the goodnews, the gospel of the cross to everyone regardless of who they are, so unless our minds are renewed and our worldview changed, that we start reaching out to those around us that change will happen according to God's plan and purpose.

life isn't

life isn't just about earning or making a living, it's not just about establishing our carreer

life isn't about going for what we want

it's not about fame and fortune

yea

but what surrounds me now is all that crap and the need for that trash

everyone is striving to make their piece while some of us are left out cast coz we don't meet "their" standards and feel distress that everyone is turning that way

feeling hopeless becasue the ones that were close to them indulge in things that will take away their life

Nobody Knows

Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
That I sometimes cry
If I could pretend that I'm asleep
When my tears start to fall
I peek out from behind these walls
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows no

Nobody likes
Nobody likes to lose their inner voice
The one I used to hear before my life
Made a choice
But I think nobody knows
No no
Nobody knows
No

Baby
Oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown
And I've lost my way back home
I think nobody knows no
I said nobody knows
Nobody cares

It's win or lose not how you play the game
And the road to darkness has a way
Of always knowing my name
But I think nobody knows
No no
Nobody knows no no no no

Baby
Oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown
And I've lost my way back home
And oh no no no no
Nobody knows
No no no no no no

Tomorrow I'll be there my friend
I'll wake up and start all over again
When everybody else is gone
No no no

Nobody knows
Nobody knows the rhythem of my heart
The way I do when I'm lying in the dark
And the world is asleep
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
Me

Want You

Started off as friends
I-was walking down the hallway
When-you caught my eyes
Stared at each other
And it seemed like forever to me

You smiled and looked away
Walk with your friends— out-the doorway
Hooked up the next day
Came a long way from there
Now we’re falling apart….

Am I tired of being used
Or is it something I won’t do
Could it be, just the thing, that we do
Coz all the time, we’ve waited for this moment
There’s nothing right, just feelings and emotions
Stirred about us, left by the others
What could it be?
(I’d want you)

You told me you’d never leave me
You said it’ll be forever, never to end..
Sold me out, thrown-me-out-the-window
Now you want me
You want it back….

jamest (c) 2008 tuesday november 04, 2008

Looking Up

Sometimes looking around us brings a sense of helplessness. trying to decern the things that happen in the past and present situations, hoping to get something out of it. Many times i've made decisions i will go head on with till the day i die but as i look back some of those i've made i now live in regret of making those impulsive conscious decisions that affect the lives of those around me as well. as i look up i find that the sovereignty of the one above is too much for me to handle. I've tried not to think of the things that will wear me down but sometimes i just can't help it. 

Feelings inside me can churn me up that the wounds i experience outside are nothing in comparison the the cut i feel inside. As i sit in one corner and she in the other i reflect on what we've shared and what we've selfishly decide making things look so complicated when simple and simple when meant to be complicated. Nothing is what it seems to me now.. i question some of what i hold to be valueble and create new values of life from those deceased words of experience.

Everything is Beautiful

Worn out, Wasted

Like bird with broken wings

Sometimes grace reminds me

I don't get to be the king...

but love it washes over

love it pulls me closer

love it changes everything..

everything is Beautiful

even when the tears are falling

i don't need a miracle to believe

even in the crashing down

i can hear redemption calling

and everything is beautiful to me

sweetly you release me

from the weight of what i've done

the trigger pulls the hammer

but the bullets never come..

love like a landslide, like the wind

spins around and pulls me in

and it's unveiling i begin....

Solitude, Silence and Prayer

I'd say the ideal way to living life to the fullest is being in a fellowship of those tuned in to the truth revealed about the one God. I find myself seeing the the possibility of seeking out a place of solitude only with those disciplined and full of the wisdom of God. The call to a life of silence, only speaking nothing but profound and wise words, words of truth about the reality of this world, all seeking for more enlightenment and revelation from the Creator Himself. The world in all seems to produce more and more misconceptions about life including those of credentials of knowledge made by the folly of man. I find that if only we lived in tune with the ways of God, we will understand the wisdom and folly in existence all around us. If we tune ourselves away from the distractions of this world and focus only on the truths that the Father has placed in our lives we'll be able to find the peace and wisdom through prayer.

Faceless Man

People write about things they feel in the present state they're in or about the thoughts they have hogging over them for a period of time. Sometimes it's just a random fact or fortune that they put into existence.

All the works done by an artist sometimes aren't appreciated or seen of any value until a later part in history or when they die perhaps? No form of recording were available in time of their creating the pieces of expression. Certain number of their contribution are accepted by the general society but yet most of it are considered worthless cept-by a small group of non-conformist who find those left out by society to be intriguing in a certain way making sense out of the things that mean nothing to the rest of the world. Yet the most wonderful and priceless pieces of expressions are no where to be found unless they are brought back from the dead to record the things on their mind. The journeyman writing has but many of his visions left in the secret of his mind left unpublished in the other world. Those revealed are nothing but a fraction of the pertaining ideas hidden in the tunnels of his imagination, unreachable, untouchable, never able to be brought out due to lack of the sciences still far away from discovering truth even about the existance of this world from the perspective of man who presumes there is no god but yet fail to find an answer to their theories of existance.

One man embarks on a journey of his life finding no peace in everything he does even though his perception of life lies in the faith of his childhood that there is a greater one out there. This world however has many-a-times ill treated the journeyman and his thoughts of wisdom left unattended to and dismissed by the aged and seemingly wise to the standard of their calculation. Yet as young as the journeyman might seem, the hiddden treasures lay burried until the day a soul is able to unearth the secrets of the black heart of the faceless man. The journeyman lays faceless in this world of a million beings unaccounted for but only known by the one above. Trapped in the severity of the proud big men in his lifetime, the pride of those seemingly wiser and experienced in life or so it seems but yet fail to live out the words they speak and preach; it all goes to the dust and the wind comes and carries them away. The journeyman, strives to reach the state of better imperfection that those before him have tried to but fail, even though the road which he travels on seems impossible as there is no end to the road he sees yet his faith tells him to go on and on till the last breath is drawn.

Journeys through the mountains and valleys are part of the road, steep and stable are the terrains of life. This is the road that the faceless man has chosen, not to accomplish anything for his own pride and honor but that one day his face might be brought high in the high places by the judge of life.

Calling Quits?

People say don't do things only to end up giving up half way through. I find that true though it only applies to certain things in life. There are some things better calling quits than letting it distract you from all priorities and sometimes this calls for a sacrifice to be made sometimes not just one but a whole package of sacrifices which could include what ppl call friends and members. Still it's under comtemplation and available for second thoughts. Though i agree music is one of my passion i still find that somethings aren't as necessary as it would seem. Even though it's been in my list of things to do which is starting a band i think it's time i give up on one and take on another, a better one perhaps? Oh well, though it could be in regret leaving one or if lucky two valueble friends otherwise it's all been dealt with by the way things goes of taking into consideration a "family" as what people seem to asume to be treated. It's not to say i wouldn't miss the company for the short span of time that was there but it could be something to lay aside seeing it might not be worth putting so much effort into if all you might get in return is a group of exclusives hungry for high society companions and there willing for a period of time and when all's worn thin moving on to the next victim. Buddies or not sometimes.. if not as a fact: nothing in this world last anyway.

I've much a many times felt like quitting on my pursuit for depth of insight and knowledge but i know if i push on in this, the end would be rewarding. Yes, i'm behind many of my assignments however i'm still gonna push through and brush aside petty matters that were around to pull my attention away from what's more important which is what i've already set my goal on in the first place.

pebble thoughts

Sun rise in the break of dawn
Where ever you've gone
I know you're alone
The promises i made
were meant to last
though the memories
seem like dust
my thoughts of you will stay the same

Skies turn grey from blue
Waves crash on shores of rocks
from dawn to dusk
our love will last
till end time comes
or one of us gets taken away
while time permits my trust
these are my pebble thoughts

winds change without our knowing
life can be harsh
on us we know
the sanctity of life
still remains true
and one day
when it breaks down
it's all up to us to hold our trust

love can be tested
still i'll never back down
one step at a time
i'll make you mine
and for that ever, we'll find


words by jamest 01:46 sep 25 2008

ramblings of the empty hearted. souless maybe?

so.. tell me the meaning of life.
well life is kinda hard to describe. there's always mountains and valleys we need to scale.

the view from the mountain is magnificent. but to get there. thats the hard part. isnt it?
yeah. as hard as it may seem when you reach up there, the prize is just rewarding. as easy at the valley would be, i mean yeah you'll see the beauty if it right in front of you but the vision is close if not too far, but the mountains.. you'll see everything

what then do we say of men spawning evil in their cores? of evil men of evil deeds that know no bounds, tied in the hearts of those closest to us. how then do we save them? the lost, the broken and the damned?
the lonely?

now lets talk about a girl. story of a girl perhaps?
maybe

tell me. how would you describe her?
awesome person, fine person to talk with.. with some depths perhaps?

she's found love. and that resonates. gives hope in a way. that, that ill natured feeling is somehow and someways still out there. truth often comes from the least expected places. so if love is real. where the hell is it? not here in me that is.
hope? oh that which play us so many a times. when exactly do we see it? do we feel it? or do we understand the true meaning of the word? truth is hope is never too far away yet sometimes we just can't reach it.. she's the valley he's the mountain. a perfect blend that causes it all to resonate.

aight. thats all for now. thank you for tuning in to the mindless ramblings of me,
and me. peace out.

conversations of the sages 2008 09 05

Larut

Dewa - Larut
Mungkin aku pernah juga..
Merasakan cinta..
Tapi tak pernah..seindah ini..

Mungkin aku juga pernah
Merasakan rindu..
Tapi tak pernah..Sedalam ini

Mungkin kamu takkan pernah..
percaya..
Bahwa sesungguhnya..
aku t'lah terjatuh.

Chorus:
Kuakui aku telah larut
Larut ke dalam
Kamu yang kucintai

One of my fav songs from indo.. :D

Creator God

You made the stars
The sand on the shores
Your hands formed the earth
and made me from dust
You spoke words into life
Your breath springs forth new things

And above all You made me alive
Brought me new life

When I come before your face
I want to lift You high
In this place
Lord I long to see you come
Dwell in this place
Lord in this place
My creator God

Freedom

I find myself in solitude
when the weekend comes
The things that matter seem
nothing more than the past
Yet the past predicts the future
The more i struggle
The more i grow dissatisfied
As night draws closer
i grow weak and tired
where's the help that was promised me?

* I scream!! Why am i forsaken?
Is it true i'm never alone?
Ev'rything shows i'm broken
i'm vulnarable and open
Yet i look to find reason
of why i'm alive and breathing
the reason i still live
in my search for freedom

i look to constitute at end
the things that comes by
All that matters before
brings worthlessness than value
though past predicts future
destiny's in our hand
and time is what's spent
As the day comes to end
the light of tomorrow shines
as new hope brings a new laughter

where can i run to?
what can i hope for?
in search of the freedom
that lies beyond all measure
that words man speak means nothing

words by jamest 2008 2310-005-007

Beautiful Song

really meaningful and sad.. and true

unlucky

I'm standing at the corner
My backs against the wall
I think that you are fine
wishin you were mine
Thinkin bout the things we'd do
imagine what life would be....
with you---
(but)

We weren't meant to be
Your love's too cold for me
I can't get your heart
You not even playing hard
to get
i'm just so not meant for this
just unlucky

at the prom from my corner
you seem to be alone
like you're looking for someone
was gonna make a move
then you turned around and smiled
i thought you were lookin at me
then he came (i guess)


_in progress
words by jamest 2008 0213-005-005

where i confide

The heavens so grey,
The moonlight fails to shine,
The earth's light aren't like a day,
darkness around is all i find

yet behind those clouds i find a line,
the silver streak in the sky,
the grace i receive can't be defined,
i can't help but ask why?

In the clouds i try to hide,
yet it turns our there's no place i can confide,
the alleys wet and cold,
the sidewalks scenes draws me old,

wishing things that won't happen,
the sea to turn red maybe?
it's like the day the sun shines over me
but the clouds stay and never return,

if only i could tell the good lord how i feel,
but hey doesn't he already know?
oh well guess thats what i know,
he hold everything and does it well.


where i confide by James (c) 2008 0110-004-029

what it means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

through time, the wait

if only i could find you..
I know you're out there..
Somewhere in that mass..
you're the glitter in the mess..

but where can i find you..
are you really out there..
someday will i find you..
one day in that big mass..

time flies by so quickly..
memories fade as the sunsets each day..
clouds billow so quickly..
as the wind carries them through the air..

the clock keeps ticking..
even when the moonlight shines so brightly..
everyday the wish for time to stop..
that beautiful moment to stay..

as waves hit the sand by the sea..
land is washed away..
as the clock keeps ticking each day..
life is being taken away..

all i wish to find you soon..
to find the glitter in the sea..
to share a moments so true..
under the moonlight so beautiful..
before the day gets too cold and we grow too old..

School that Rocks

Hmm.. I was trying to find some pictures i could throw in but i just couldn't find those that i thought would fit in. Well it's been a while since i've had time to sit in front of my computer and not know what to do and finally thought "maybe i should update my blog".

Just an update on my life.. I've started school once again after a whole year of hectic working schedule. I'm kinda excited actually that I've finally started doing something that I've looked forward to for a long time or at least 6 months. It's been the passion of my heart to learn more about God and i'm finally able to do that.

Two weeks into BTS and two reading materials already or actually it's only been a week of class. The first week was more of a retreat so it wasn't really assignments and all but more of a rest in God.

My name stained

The consequence of actions is the mark that is left after it's taken. Mine hasn't been too impressive nor is it sparing. The name that has been a mark of innocence is no more for the actions taken have been too deep a ravine of consequence. The name that has been a mark of reputation and discipline is no more and I've only myself to blame.

Why is it so, that people see you for what you've done and not what you can do. A spectacle of prejudice is put on each time someone has done something wrong. Their names are stained by their past actions though it's only but one mistake, the whole world knows and he's never to be forgotten for that. Each time someone sees the man they'll say "oh isn't he the guy that did ...."
or "wasn't he the guy that ..." It's a wonder why the negative image stays in peoples thoughts more than the positive. It's the reason why it's so hard for convicts to leave behind their past. The moment a man has been to prison, his chance of getting a well paid job is gone let alone get a job. As soon as an employer sees his records the smile on their faces turns to that of a disgust, looking down at the man who's trying to start a new life trying to support his loved ones. Not given the chance and missing the chance are two different things. when he is not given the chance to start a new, to find a source of provision he is forced to go back to where he was because it's the only way he knows that will help him to survive.

The question remains that why can't people be given a second chance. Have you not been given a second chance in your life? When you were a child, were you not numerous times given a second chance? a third chance? If only we could see the potential and not the mistakes.

untitled

do you see things in black and white?
or do you see if full of color like those of the flowers?
have you seen the beautiful fields of green
or are you surrounded in the urban grey sky of tox

Is the sea blue to you
or do you see black waters in rivers by
do you see blue skys and rain
or what you see are grey skies and poison drops

will the earth last till the dawn of tomorrow
or will it turn dark and dead in the near future
will it be tomorrow?
or it tomorrow already here?

~dedicated to pLaNet eaRtH, by James (c) 2007 2152-010-002

black and white

'

Let God speak

"..let God speak and i will listen.."
When God speaks do we listen? Are we expecting Him to speak to us? or are we prepared to listen to what He's telling us? Many times He's speaking to us but we ignore His voice. When He calls us we say we're too busy. But when we're in need we expect Him to answer us imeidately.

The severity of it is to the extent of negligence toward the things around us. A man lying in the street asking for help, we turn our heads and walk the other way. Our neighbor who's always being annoying toward us but today is in need, we ignore him and say he deserves it. The list of it goes on and on yet we keep asking God to give us a chance to show His love. When we ask for patience, do you think He gives us patience or does He give us the chance to be patient? or when we ask for kindness, does he give us kindness or does he gives us the chance to practice it. So be diligent and aware so when we're given the chance we see it and grab hold of it.

The Choice Is Yours!

If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in. - Revelation 3:20 NIV

Max Lucado writes: "Ever wonder why there were two crosses next to Christ? Or why Jesus was in the centre? Those two crosses symbolise one of God's greatest gifts - the gift of choice. The two criminals have much in common; convicted by the same system, condemned to the same death, surrounded by the same crowd, and equally close to the same Christ. In fact, they began with the same sarcasm; the two criminals each said cruel things to Jesus. But one changed. He said, 'Jesus, remember me when you come into Your kingdom.' Jesus answered him, 'I tell you the truth, today you will be with Me in paradise' (Lk 23:42-43 NIV). While we rejoice at the thief who changed, we dare not forget the one who didn't. There are times when God sends thunder to stir us. There are times when God sends blessings to lure us. But there are times when God sends nothing but silence, as He honours us with the freedom to choose where we spend eternity. We have never been given a greater privilege than that of choice. Think about the thief who repented. Though we know little about him, we know this: in the end, all his bad choices were redeemed by a solitary good choice. He chose Christ!"

No matter how many bad choices you may have made in your past, you can be redeemed by one good choice - the choice to give your life to Christ and follow Him. Will you make that choice now? If you do you'll never regret it.

Tian Xia Wu Shuang

very nice song

this is my life.. is it all i dreamt it would be?

Can't close my eyes in the middle of the night when i'm alone. Everything turns dark and dull when the lights go off and there's no one to turn to. Years have passed since the last time a day spent with someone i could share things with. It's been for a while if not too long since the memory of sharing a day and memories with someone called special. How the wishing of that day to come again lingers through the words that come out and as the clock strikes every second though not too desperately but the frank facts is the sudden thought of it dawning creates a realization that i'm not coping too well with the single notion of life. Having no one to hold dear and call precious is an irony or distress.

Been about 4 years since i've been out with someone special. How does it feel to not have that feeling of missing someone? or how is the toture of feeling like you're missing something but never being able to find it?. Sick and tired of being told where to go and where to be. feeling weak from being told who i am and who i'm supposed to be. Oh God when i be put off from this misery?

Treasure Life

Life is precious and it's always running out it's like a hourglass thats constantly moving to the other side. some hourglass just break into pieces and some run out of time faster than others..
The past few months have all seen loved ones and friends pass on. Yes it's' part of life cycle but yet sometimes we find it hard to accept and to let go of that person whom we love and treasure.
So it's time to look back at our lives and make right our ways of living thtis short life. Make full use of the opportunities given and use your talents wisely so when the time comes we'll be rewarded by our father in heaven.

Already Over - Red

You never go
You're always here (suffocating me)
Under my skin
I cannot run away
Fading slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now

My best defense, running from you
I can't resist, take all you want from me
Breaking slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now

You're all I'm reaching for
It's already over
All I'm reaching for!
It's already over now

I'd give it all to you
I offer up my soul
It's already over, already over now!

Give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again!
I know it's already over now!
It's already over now!
I know it's already over, already over

Love this song by red means a lot to me

Contemplation

It's been five months coming close to six since I've started working in LPAV. But lately I've been thinking to myself. Is this what i want? or Is this where i should be? I'm thinking if this is where God wants me? or is it where I want to be myself. It's been five months and there hasn't been much of a progress and it's still strining my spiritual walk with God and I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. Yet again i think to myself whether God has put me here to test me.
my trip down to PD has put a lot of questions to my being in this company and also a lot of strins to my thought of knowing what i want to do at this present time.
The fact that i'm planning to go to bible school also comes in to the picture as to whether i'm taking the right steps to ensure that and whtherni should persevere and hang in here to put my limits to the test to see how resilient i really am. I really need some guidance one this one. please God help me make the right choices.

life's a journey

In every walk of life there's always up's and down's. People grow tired of the schedules becoming a routine each day. Some people find it easy to be repeating the same thing day after day not having to use their brain power too much. While others prefer a new challenge everyday. Yet not everyone gets what they want.. To think that i'm starting to get bored of what i'm ding was unimaginable just 2 months ago but now.. i'm starting to feel the wear of the routined life of fixing up things and standing by. I pray i do get to go somewhere to do the first part of my dream which is taking videos and exploring on film. I'll get there one day..

Southtown-P.O.D.

the lapse of societal care

friend..

friend

Friend.. (what?)

friend(who?)

See.. this is the scenario
what's a friend when ya got none
where's that man? where's that friend?
they call you man i need yo help
you can't not help coz they your man
but what comes to it in the end
when you look for men they lose you
and you get them asking who

i stay wide
i go low
you get high when i say go
and when i say no you say hell boy what's with the no
i say yo fella come time for the bell ya
don't stick around for this yo fella
you treat me high when i was fine
but time goes by and when i say hi you don't even care
you just walk by and bye ain't coming out even when i greet ya
ya smile and stick it up to man behind me walking pass beside me

and that's the reason why i call it treason
ain't no other reason for a man to go to prison
and come out the same just like the day they gagged him and gave him the cane
what's with the name change does the heart remain the same
does the the life turn around
will society let him walk back around
thats the truth of the matter the world fall down in laughter

feb02-07

losing my head, losing you

It's only been what? a little less than two years since pops.
What's happened? I know it's a little too late to say this coz you can't hear it. but why? i'm frustrated and saddened by the choice made. Who will watch her now? Couldn't you take another alternative. You could've came back. You're not even with papa.. why? i can't stop asking this question. You know we love you and you can always turn to us, but i guess you didn't..
It's over now.. can't turn back time. the days spent have come to an end and there's no one left to pretend. what got to you? You..... i can't say anything now.. i can't..

when darkness turns to light

It ends tonight.. well what you might ask?
No not some relationship or anything.. not the good luck streak or whatever.. it's my pretty voice.. it just turned pretty sexy now.. well it was sexy after the UNITED concert lolz.. couldn't even talk properly.. oh right i was so close to cathing an autograph cd but missed coz i didn't make that jump in fear of hitting my lil mei mei and a really huge lady standing beside her XD wakaka.. forgive my insolence just can't help it.. i dun wanna fall into her though she might pick me up and toss me out the backdoor wahahaha.. XDXD okok i sound mean now.. right, lets talk about somthing else eheh.. oh guess i'm a lyricist for an independant band so some of the stuff you see here are for them. they're some hardcore amateur band so support them ya.. since i wrote their lyrics heheh.. Sad thing is.. youth camp moved from 11 to 12 so it also ends a day later instead of 15 it moved to 16 which clashes with the WWW thing i'm suppost to perform dang!! oh well maybe God says NO!!!! lolz.. i'll take that for ananswer lah.. see i'm a gud boy wahah. Nwy I've thought of an acoustic song.. so here are the lyrics

walking in history i -
found myself left in misery when -
i looked back at the things so -
stupid i thought i'd done right
but was so wrong

I couldn't stand to -
see the fall of the beacon light if i -
knew it would lead to this -
pain i'm feeling inside__
the void i am trying to hide___

Is anyone seeing
I'm falling, I'm falling down and down
Is anybody hearing my screaming
I'm screaming out aloud
To you, To^ \you


tobe continued...
jamestan © 2006

Stand in the Rain - Superchic(k)

She never slows down
She doesn’t know why but she knows that
When she’s all alone it feels like its all coming down

She won’t turn around
The shadows grow long and she fears
If she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from, wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

falling off the edge

Don't actually feel like posting anything but i am anyway..
Life sometimes can be so exhilirating with events and joy and yet sometimes it can tear your bones apart.. The silence makes you wanna scream. Tearing apart the white void that surrounds.. In times when you need people beside you those far away are acceptable for an excuse.. but those near you turn their heads away and show you their f***in bare back.. so in your face. as soon as you reach your hand to them. Then everything fades into the white.. So pure but yet filled with demons like lucifer drawin hell to you. the white so white... that it actually burns you.. then you start to see red.. your eyes swell up. Blood gushes from your pores.. your tears flow with crimson rivers... the fire torments you but you don't die.. your veins at the brink of bustin yet they stretch your every muscle to hurt you with the pain unbearable... everything around you is flames and flames not like those of a candle.. but those red hot lava flowing down burning anything in it's way. Just a touch of water is all you need. Screaming your agony and pain... you f'kin "friends" don't hear anything when you squirm in the inside longing for a hand to hold.. the noisy silence i call it.. you yell but there's no sound, no noise, no words nothing uttered in the endless void.. Is this all to life or is there more to the narrow pipe of disaster flushing down the dirt and shit of life.
The waves beat higher.. the storm spins faster... they pull you down.. drown you and drain your very last breath. you suffer the endless toss.. the bottomless depth the screaming plunge which can't be heard by selfish humans who care less bout anything but their own soul for cryin out loud. The writer sits at the edge of his seat. fallin off the edge of my seat.