It ain't easy

Wow for me the past few weeks have been really a test of faith. First off, interview and hoping to get a job ending up not getting it. A lot of new things learned from that though. Tis a season of new paradigms for me. Seeing things in ways I've never thought of, like this season of waiting that I've been brought to understand so differently and finally to realize what the real meaning of wait is.

So I've re-set aside time to seek God and to find out where I'm suppose to go in these few months. Living by faith is really testing me, being an impatient person i tend to want things quick and prompt I sometimes what it means to not have something I want. It keeps me at a discipline level to not rush into getting things which right now there's those I'm really hoping to have. It also helps determines what's priority and what's necessity. I tend to get those two mixed up most of the time.

For now trusting God is like a roller-coaster ride now. It's sometimes smooth and slow and then suddenly my heart is restlessly pounding, sometimes from excitement and sometimes it's from not knowing what's to be next. So many things I just wish I had the answers or at least a form or certainty but that wouldn't be faith now would it. =)
I guess I still have lots to learn this season. I'm trying to be patient like totally holding myself back from doing lotsa things but it feels like it's not near slow enough to where I'm supposed to be. I am, straining the ropes that are keeping me on track, trying to get farther than what I'm allowed. Which at this point is kinda painful for me being in wait for so, so long that I can't really remember the feelings I've had before. It's a start of something totally new for me. Just the restlessness of wanting to know what it's gonna feel like at the end of it is torture. Which is why I need His grace every new day.

While I'm still praying for directions to get clearer I just feel like I have to step out to reach where I'm supposed to be. A major step of faith. And for that i need strength, and that I ask of the Lord that He will give me strength. Not to break free, but rather strength to wait on Him and His time.

Whew... now that I've let it all out, I should be able to sleep hehehe..