Stupidity

For every mistake we make there's a consequence. Be it big or small, now or later there will be consequences for what we do. And I for one am one who is sometimes quick to act stupid without thinking. God help me. And for one I know that I'm walking in the consequence of one right now. It was spoken that the cross will come soon but i didn't expect it to be this soon. Guess it's right to say it comes when you least expect it to. And for being a little impatient and impudent I'm now learning a hard lesson, at least it is to the heart one that's painful. But I thank God for lessons like these that I may learn to walk patiently and wait for His will to come to pass in His time and not in my own rush hour sorta acts. Repentance will make us whole again, but we still have to suffer the consequences of things we done and that's just how our gentle Father teaches and chastises us with love so that we may grow and learn from it.

Brought to humility

I've just started to think of how great the past week had been just seeking His face and being enabled to serve Him in so many ways and the thought of "wow i did great" crept in but by His grace i was reminded of how small i am and how insignificant i was. I started to reflect back on the encounters i had with the Father and how great and marvelous He was. The more i see the greatness of my Great big God, the more i am being brought to the truth of how lowly and small i am. Being shown His throne room and being confirmed by another just added amounts to my faith in Him. It is by no mistake, that i am what i am and that i am who i am now and i am striving to be more like His son, Jesus. Really the words from the song 'Nothing Compares' by Third Day resonate in my head that "nothing compares to greatness of knowing You, Lord" and the amount of truth in that statement is being made real to me each and every new day as i learn to rely on Him and long after Him daily. Again i am made low when i realize His greatness and how weak i am when i see His hand move. I am but a week vessel only used by Him by His grace and mercy for i amount to nothing on my own but in His eyes He has called me precious and nothing compares to that.

Intimacy

The past week has been a challenging at first but now an exciting time with God. If you're wondering why I haven't been updating anything on FB it's coz i'm taking a week off of it and preparing for the AWAKEN Conference.

Re-prioritizing things in life is a great challenge for someone who goes by feelings most of the time and just this week I've been learning to let go of my own plan and dreams and "greediness" of holding on to so many things to just letting Him guide me and just hearing His heart out and what's important to Him. Still it's a learning process for me to take part and I'm still learning and need His grace day by day.

I'm learning to walk more and more in intimacy with Him and that's the exciting part of life. I'm encouraged by the people who have come alongside me and just speak words of truth and words that build me up this past week. Thank you again for being ministers to me :)

Directions and Discipline

How do I start? hmm.. I guess I've not had a clear direction in the present for a long time. Being restless and well unsettled.
I guess I've not learned my lesson well, the lesson that God has been trying to teach me so many times before and I did not realize it and yet, use His name to reason myself out of it just because it would seem justified to do so.

Just finally talking to someone who understands where I'm coming from totally knocked sense into me and helped me see what actually happened as i reflected back on what I've been through. Throwing great opportunities away just because i feel... giving up on things that were a lesson just because i feel.. and so many other things wasted just because i feel.. or rather i DON'T feel like it anymore. And as I look back I understood what i was really doing and almost brought tears to my eyes for not realizing the mistakes I've made when I could've easily passed the test if only i persevered through it all. But sadly i didn't, and now it's class 101 all over again and I have to sit through every class and tests that will be thrown in my face. It will be a very trying period for me but I have to get this done with if i want to move forward.

Even my time at seminary, I was awakened to the fact that it wasn't just to learn how to read or interpret the Bible or whatever but it was a test and a greater lesson to teach me to be disciplined and to stick through something. Even in working after that it wasn't just another job, it was a classroom to teach me to pull through the hard times of the mundane or so i call it. Making it sound so.. properly indecent when all it was, was myself not being able to take the lessons that God has been trying to get me to learn.

I pray it's not too late to learn this valuable lesson and to go through it diligently. If it's anything else, it could be my one shot to make it in time before it gets too late or i get too old to be used effectively in service. I don't want to miss the ship you know. It's already been hard as it is and time is slipping away by the day. This is the one thing I ask of the Lord that I may have His grace and mercy, strength and diligence to go through with it. Not just rushing through it but to be teachable in spirit.

Canon vs Nikon in real time

So today was a busy day for me.. well kinda. I forgot something really important with it's date due end of this month haha so had to rush over to the Island to finish it. Then the rest of the day was pretty boring and exciting at some points lolz. I managed to scout gears for my camera although I forgot to check out how much my camera would be worth if i were to trade it or something XD must've slipped my mind (that doesn't mean I'm selling it).

So I sat at the camera shop and chatted with the guy who seems very pro =P and he's a Canon man btw. I managed to get some prices for tripods, filter, lens and lenses lolz. However i still need to work with my finance minister about budget. Really fun time at the shop though went looking for hires as well.

After that took off to INTi field to play football with a LARGE group of people :) after sooo long and after missing it last week although in the process hurt my thumb AGAIN!!! not that bad though, just slight pain for catching the ball wrongly. Went to Justin's place for a shower and it was time for BOWLING!!!!! woot woot!! headed to BJ for the firebrands:ONWARDS outing at the alley. My job however was not to play but to shoot :) and that's what I did with given opportunity. The best part was.. the hands on comparison of Canon and Nikon, it was the 20D(ancient fart) vs the D90(young chap), 8mp vs 12mp, facing off with high ISO low light rink.
Although after a while the Nikon went "f - -" like literally that's what showed in the lcd panel haha don't know what went wrong, while the Canon remained steady and did it's job. I did manage to set the two to a duel shooting a shoe... :) with the same settings.

Both in Extended ISO modes blasted to the highest or (H) on my 20D, at about 42mm zoom, f4.5 and 4.8 for the Nikon, my tammy 24-135 vs the Nikkor 18-105. And the results were amazing. lolz.. a few shots measured and tested before that and I fell in love with the Nikon's high ISO low noise processing, whereas my baby went a lil noisy compared to the D90. However I still like the color tone on mine :) just a little warmer than what you'd get from the Nikon. It's hard to describe it all here so i'll post up the pictures when i get it from the Nikon owner :) till then have fun

It's here.. the comparing shots.. although not shot exactly at the same settings but this is off the camera.

It ain't easy

Wow for me the past few weeks have been really a test of faith. First off, interview and hoping to get a job ending up not getting it. A lot of new things learned from that though. Tis a season of new paradigms for me. Seeing things in ways I've never thought of, like this season of waiting that I've been brought to understand so differently and finally to realize what the real meaning of wait is.

So I've re-set aside time to seek God and to find out where I'm suppose to go in these few months. Living by faith is really testing me, being an impatient person i tend to want things quick and prompt I sometimes what it means to not have something I want. It keeps me at a discipline level to not rush into getting things which right now there's those I'm really hoping to have. It also helps determines what's priority and what's necessity. I tend to get those two mixed up most of the time.

For now trusting God is like a roller-coaster ride now. It's sometimes smooth and slow and then suddenly my heart is restlessly pounding, sometimes from excitement and sometimes it's from not knowing what's to be next. So many things I just wish I had the answers or at least a form or certainty but that wouldn't be faith now would it. =)
I guess I still have lots to learn this season. I'm trying to be patient like totally holding myself back from doing lotsa things but it feels like it's not near slow enough to where I'm supposed to be. I am, straining the ropes that are keeping me on track, trying to get farther than what I'm allowed. Which at this point is kinda painful for me being in wait for so, so long that I can't really remember the feelings I've had before. It's a start of something totally new for me. Just the restlessness of wanting to know what it's gonna feel like at the end of it is torture. Which is why I need His grace every new day.

While I'm still praying for directions to get clearer I just feel like I have to step out to reach where I'm supposed to be. A major step of faith. And for that i need strength, and that I ask of the Lord that He will give me strength. Not to break free, but rather strength to wait on Him and His time.

Whew... now that I've let it all out, I should be able to sleep hehehe..

Things Happen so quickly

"I have a passion, I know what it is, but what have I done to fulfill it?"

Technically that has been the question popping up every time I reflect on what I'm doing. Since the last post I've been looking for the right company to get attached to in order to fulfill my dream and my passion. But alas I have yet to find an open door. I've been trying to contact the right people, praying and seeking hoping to find someone or somewhere I can get started with telling myself, "do what ever it takes to get started, even if it means just picking up after people". I guess it's never easy to get started on something with nothing really to show off about; I'm not a genius or whatever but all I am is that I want to learn.

Finally went for my interview and well I kinda expected the result but the process was extraordinary. I guess it wasn't really my passion to get into graphic design, I mean yeah i know that but i didn't know I was so far off from it. Although I must say that I'm kinda disappointed in not being able to make the cut. I guess it was so obvious that both my interviewers said I need to look for the thing I'm passionate for. the only problem with that is that I still haven't had the chance to link up with the people that I've come in contact with. Which is frustrating, I'm really on the verge of breaking apart. Guess the only thing that's keeping me sane is the constant reminder that God is in control of my situation and the time i spend with Him.

The answer to the question up top, "I'm doing all I can right now, just hope it's not too late and waiting for an open door"

A time to choose

It's been a while since I wrote anything since I've been rather caught up in a crazy season. I guess God's trying to tell me something sending so many different people to tell me the same thing. It's time for me to decide what I really have to do to get to the place where I'm supposed to be. Although it's going to be a long road still I've learned that I've gotta be patient in order to gain something.

Really looking for a job isn't an easy thing as it is to go work with familiar people. It takes so much and with the time I've wasted so much, there really isn't anything much for me to show in order to get in to any company that's hiring. With little or no portfolio to show, it's like telling people I want to do this but I haven't done anything. In this competitive world, it's like kissing that job goodbye. I do realize that it would take a miracle for me to get a job at this point of time and all I can do is apply and pray that God will grant me an open door to the place where He wants me to be.

With that, I will need to sacrifice a lot of other things that are a distraction and keeping me from reaching my goal. It may mean for me to let go of certain ministries and activities. I need to learn to not be so fickle minded and learn to only focus on the right things. And that's where it's hard for me to do. As much as I would love to hold on, I need to let go in order to grow. I don't want to get caught left behind again.

Some pics I've finally decided to take time to refine

titles in order (top to bottom) morning dew, lamp, before the clouds

who knew

It's been a while since I've started to think and weigh the choices and directions I have to choose, praying about what's next, and where to from here. Though time has really just passed by I'm still here with no set directions as to where to head off from here. It's just scary to see life catch up so quickly and yet I'm left behind with people looking at me and keep questioning me as to what I want to do with my life with remarks that don't sound really too pleasant to be mentioned here, the pressure is on. But honestly I don't see a clear path ahead of me, which is a problem with eyes watching from all sides carrying their own perspective of what I'm going through and judging from their point of view.

The hardest decision for me to make is whether to leave what I've done so far just to embark on another journey. the dilemma being two sides of the story. On one hand there's people talking about commitment and perseverance, and on the other hand I'm asked to do something with my life and some of it from the same people. I don't wanna be caught giving up something on the verge of a new horizon. Then you get people coming to say "See, if only you held on a little longer... this would've happened.. bla bla bla.." all that bullcrap when they were the one telling you to move along.

Man all these things that people do and find whatever excuses they can to cover or protect what they've said done to prove their own self righteousness. I'm sick and tired of waiting and hearing people who plan for something and never come around doing it. And that's one of the reasons I'm stuck in my situation. Because I've been hoping for something that will never happen like a sitting rubber duck. I'm just really tired of playing games with all that's going on. But the reality is that it's really that hard to find a direction that is certain. Cause the simple fact is, nothing is certain. and i'm about to lose it all if i don't make a step forward. Pressing on for the wrong thing just wears you out in every aspect.

Where Do I Go From Here?

It's been a while since I've done anything significant in my life, like do something and stick with it. I'm so tired of the many choices I have that's so much just confusing me. I don't know the direction as to where i should go. I sure don't want to stop learning but where will be my classroom? and who will be my teachers? Do i take a step out of this place or do i stay? All these questions have been thrown each day in hope for an answer but all i get is stillness, quietness, it's deafening if you ask, and it's making me insane. Even my communication skill has gone out the window. All i ever say just pissed people off or puts people down. Is there nothing that i do that will build people up? am i that despicable? I just wish that I would be mute if that's all i can do. I don't want to spend my life casting spit on people. If I have simply offended anyone without a thought I'm truly sorry. I guess i need to leave this place if it would make a difference. If it would bring healing. If only I would be forgotten for the stain that i have placed.

After the Game

I meant to post this up after the game but well.. lets just say i didn't have time hahah. Anyways.. the Battle was won but the war is still not over.

So did we manage to pull it off? with our lack of finish up front I still think we nailed it this time although as always it could be better :) but the team was pleased with the achievement thus far. As for now there lie no other wall for us to reach div1. Alas some of our players managed to rise to the occasion this time and was able to convert efforts to a goal; good job Indy :). And we manged to keep all our player in the field to start unlike the first game where one had to sit out for our "incorrect equipment" lolz everyone was wearing different pants.. -.- but that's fixed now.

As for our compatriots the Patriots they gave it all out but their opponents were just on a different level and rolled them over with a 7 - 1 scoreline. being the first game to be played in div2, at least they scored one with Donovan and his hockey swing taking the shot if it was on target it would be hard to block haha and lucky for that one it gave them one point a little ahead of their predecessors last year when they suffered 8 - 0 from team contact. So i think it was a worth start with also 8 goals scored but this time the '1' was from our side. All that's left is to beat Trailblazers to not finish last and i very much believe that they are capable of doing so using the advantage they have with more guys on the team compared to Trailblazers who consist of mostly girls. God help our Patriots.

All of the hype that your money can buy

So finally the hour where we face our second biggest obstacle draws closer. All the talk bout them beating us and us beating the
will finally be put to the test to see who will prevail in the battle for the top in div2 and earn the spot into div1. With our past performance showing off the lack in ability to finish it's no wonder they have such confidence in this battle. But the end is still a ways to go. Will we be able to rise to the occasion and make that finish up high or remain blunt in our attempts to beat this coming team. I hope for the former to happen and pray to God to be on our side as we take another step to move forward in our journey of floorball. Having said that the junior team will also be facing the same club we are just at a different level. It will be their first game in div2 and also the first time playing in full court for most of them. I hope and pray for the best in the outcome of both teams. And now I can sleep inpeace after having said what was on my mind.

Is God Saying, 'Wait'?

No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly. - Psalm 84:11 NKJV

Often the toughest times in life are those moments when all we know about God doesn't seem to help or get us the results we want. That's when we learn about His silence. Whenever God doesn't say a word, He's teaching, even in stillness. He's allowing us to grow by forcing us to think, study and arrive at conclusions while He stands by like the loving parent He is. Faith comes by hearing, but patience comes by silence. Patience is what God gives you when bad things remain unchanged. It's His sedative for the troubled heart. It's the balm He rubs into your aching muscles when it feels like you're being stretched to breaking point. These are the times when the pain lasts so long that only God can release the patience required - the sheer grace to get you through it.

There are great benefits to waiting. For example, if you learn to wait and observe, you'll make better choices. The thing you think you can't live without today, you may be glad to live without tomorrow. '...No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly' (Psalm 84:11 NKJV). So when God says, 'Wait,' trust Him. Either it's not what you need at this time, or He has something better in mind for you. You say, 'But what am I going to do in the meantime?' The Bible says, 'Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart...' (Psalm 27:14 NKJV). Stop fussing, stop pushing, allow God to work and you'll come out of this stronger and with a better result.

Learner

So the day came when Penang faced 'a team from Singapore' and we were all hyped up as we entered the Colosseum. I guess there was an element of being over confident evident in some faces. Although the first time facing an unknown opponent apart from the fact that they are Singapore a nation probably 10 years ahead of Malaysia in floorball.

As we stepped into the court the excitement grew and i found it somewhat hard to breathe and move, taking the fact that warm up wasn't quite enough. Was somewhat a blunder for me watching the balls fly pass us defenders consisting of the 3 FireBRANDS and one Last wall our Keeper Bryan Koh. The concept of defending to me was not clear but it took me one and a half periods to recognize that fact. I was wasting my energy and time going for blind blocks, chasing after anything that seemed to be in my path. And i think it was the third time that KY explained to me that i finally understood my role well enough and that was a little to late to make a difference in the score line which was already stepping away from our efforts. I guess my take on this is that we're still about two years behind in terms of playing together as a team and for some of us technically.

Tiring as it was it's a great experience playing with another set of islanders and I'm leaning through the way. If by any means this adds to the experience I've to gain it was more than worth it.

Worship

Wow, It's been an exciting week for me. Coming back from Kulim from a worship seminar and going to a worship retreat the very next day in Penang Hill. Definitely one of the best experiences to have. I can say that I learned quite a bit in Kulim although my role there was to help facilitate but we learn as we teach too you know.

Going up to the mount was even more rewarding and I do think that it was God who planned for things to happen this way. Coz my going was a last minute thing. At first I didn't plan to go coz of work but i was relieved of work earlier than I planned and expected in time for this Retreat. However there was no place and I thought oh well, I guess I really won't be able to go. But God is faithful and opened a door for me to make it.

The experience there was irreplaceable. It's been a long time since I've really felt so close to His heart. We started to write songs one our own and I was kinda stuck with no music but I felt it was not the end. I wanted to press on further, i knew i needed some breakthrough. And God is faithful to answer the call of those who cry out to Him. Night time was spent in silence where i meditated on Isa 54:17 and for some reason 1 Pet 5:6-11.

Day 2 kicked off with quiet time and I read Ps104 and seriously after reading that psalm you won't be able to just sit down so i grabbed my camera and started to get close to creation and it's beauty, soaking in every bit of God's magnificence revealed through the things around us. And then we did some Divine Reading or Lectio Divina to hear what God was speaking to us through a passage. And when we open our ears to hear Him speak it's really easy to hear His voice. Then we split up in groups to write more songs and for our group a song was birthed. Sharon, Ken Jeen and I grouped up and started to mind map what we wanted to write about. We prayed before we started and started to scribble down all out ideas.. Then out of the blue i just had an inspiration from a simple chord and from there we grew the song from the pre-chorus to the chorus and then the verse where we kinda got stuck.. lolz and Ken Jeen suddenly popped the words out which totally just fit into the line and there we had our first almost complete song haha so we continued to work on it a bit after that to better shape it. So now it's sitting in the green house :)

Came the night, we started to sing about how He loved us and turned into a soaking of His presence and we took turns to prophecy to each other which was encouraging to see people being touched by His word. And the best part of it all was this morning when the seal was set in our lives with the anointing of oil where I couldn't stand but to break down at His touch.. It felt like i was totally drenched in His presence. I just saw a picture of myself being poured on with oil just soaking my whole body then just as i was prayed for like a flame just caught it and my whole being was covered with fire. It was just amazing. I don't know what else or how else i can describe the feeling or the experience. Just amazing

Missing (In) Action

Today's a Saturday and I'm not where I'm usually at, and where I usually am at is not nearly where I am right now. Ok, Thank you for reading :P

Lol that's not all haha, Ok so usually on Saturdays my schedule goes like this...

Morning
8 a.m. Prayer Meet
9 a.m. Junior Youth Band
11 a.m. Breakfast
12:30 Floorball

and sometimes
5 p.m. Worship Practice for youth service

6 p.m. bible class
7:15 pre-service prayer
then supper after youth

But this week I cut half my schedule away.. XD
I certainly missed the young people known as FireBrands!! and their burning passion but I had the opportunity to be of service elsewhere, where I'm more needed :) after all we're called to make a difference right?

I went to Kulim to help out in the Worship seminar to help our Kulimites improve in their tools of worship. So after floorball i went home, got caught in the rain a little.. which was a good time to Thank God :) slept for a bit then headed to Kulim at 7ish.

Upon reaching Kulim I started to set up the drums and all then practice the songs for the night. So syok syok practice lo.. then after that i realized my wallet was totally missing. I remembered taking it out from my bag at home. I was worried I might have lost it which would give me a heck of a trouble having to remake my IC, license, road-tax, etc. etc. which is a hassle. So by right I should be panicking and worrying what might happen and all. However, surprisingly i had a peace that i didn't feel engulfed my worries. Not to say that i wasn't worried but there's just this peaceful feeling I had. Not to say that i'm trying to super spiritualize things but i think the Devil wasn't happy with what might happen tonight in Kulim so he prolly devised something to distract us from our priority which is God. But his plan failed and His plan succeeded. But boy did i pray that it wasn't lost somewhere in BM coz we went there for dinner on the way to Kulim.

I reached home and i found my wallet on the couch where i was sitting before i left the house. =D Thank God. I hope FireBrands enjoyed yourselves with worship and our Elder Speaking.

So Yesterday

So finally the long awaited match review on BorakBorakFloorball is up and I guess i can say it's pretty much what i expected. Our lack in finishing is what's causing us the low scoreline although i do believe we are still on the rise in our form, so hopefully we can build up the momentum in the two weeks of so called given time to improve ourselves even further.

Having said that i was kinda disappointed that yesterday's training was canceled due to lack of numbers being able to make it. Kinda sad. OH yeah and it was result taking time for those who sat for their SPM examination last year and boy did they do well :).
I know although some of you out there think you could've done better but i guess if you put your best in it then it's already good. Although it might not really sound like a compliment if you're really down.. But yeah pick yourself up and move on to the next step in life yea =D.

So I spent the earlier part of the day in SXI with the boys and saw their happy faces. Then went to lunch with Dan, Gary, Sam, Akash, and Jun Cheng whom i couldn't recognize since he lost so much weight lolz. Right after that headed to Gurney to meet up with Ming Yen and Jo Lene for a movie (The Book of Eli). Before that lunch part two lol.. since i didn't eat much at the mamak (a bit sick of mamak food) so we went walking round and round gurney then someone suggested Winter Warmers and i was like WHYYY??? so we went to chillis instead lol.. had the Old Timer which was nice the food actually came in time for us to catch the movie though unfortunately we still missed a little bit from the beginning as *ahem* Ming Yen was acting like she's never met people outside school to everyone she met along the way XD. Imagine this; she would just run and squeal when she saw anyone she knew -.- yesh literally.
So it made everything verrrry exciting lol.

After the movie it was raining totally heavy so i thought maybe need to arrange my transport to training in Balik Pulau, and that's when i found out training had been canceled.. the sadness. So nvm la since come out all the way to Penang d didn't wanna go back so early so called andrew asked for the plan of the evening. And the final destination was CoD woot woot. Totally got pwned haha and oh top friendly fire was me -.- totally down again. Actually coz of this mode called martyrdom where you drop a bomb upon death so if the person kills you at close range you'd blow 'em up too but unfortunately when i got killed my teammates were like totally next to me so... BOOM they also died.. XD. And the last destination was ABU, or also known as Sinar Cahaya (i think) where we sat, talked, talked, talked more and changed seats(some people), and talked more till about 2 something.. almost three i think so by the time i reached home it was 3 something. Totally crasheddd...

Living By Faith

All these gained [God's] approval - Hebrews 11:39 NAS

Hebrews chapter 11 is often referred to as 'the gallery of faith'. Two groups are mentioned. Group one '...escaped... the sword...' (Hebrews 11:34 NAS). Group two '...were put to death with the sword...' (Hebrews 11:37 NAS). Now we'd all like to be in group one, but the Bible says both groups '...gained [God's] approval through their faith...' (Hebrews 11:39 NAS). The Message paraphrases this Scripture: '...these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? They saw it way off in the distance...' (Hebrews 11:13 TM). Their faith kept them focused!

Sometimes faith is an instrument of change; at other times it's a means of survival. It's what gives you the tenacity to trust God when His will seems to clash with yours. Often your faith is perfected more when things don't change than when they do. You don't need faith for what you can see or have already attained; you need it when life makes no sense, when you can't explain why the baby dies, or the job falls through, or the marriage isn't working, or the wicked prosper, or the good die, or the righteous suffer, or the kind receive no comfort. We think there's only one good outcome - the one we want. No, we must trust the character and plan of God; who He is and what He does. We must see Him at work in whatever comes our way. And even when we can't, we must trust Him, knowing '...God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose...' (Romans 8:28 NLT). Did you get that? Everything!

Life's a bag of dust

At this moment I am completely lost. No sense of direction, no heading, no bearings, no earnings whatsoever, 'NOTHING' is what's spelled when you tap into the ATM of my brain. Since I thought I was on the direction of serving in the ministry I've been swept up from under my feet and thrown down the roller-coaster ride of my life.

The plans that were drawn up just wiped off the board. It's funny isn't how sometimes people tell you they can help you out if you just trust them. Yeah right! It's basically because I thought that it could actually happen this time that I so blindly got caught up in the waves of complacency. Well ok, I admit that losing the job was my mistake, not going to work for too many days and telling the wrong source is partly what caused for this outcome. Yet as I thought the way paved into getting myself involved in the ministry would open the path just suddenly disappeared.

Do I really have to do things myself? Is it ever going to be easy for me to just see my life's map laid in front of me? OR am I just going to keep getting stuck in this hazy world of uncertainty?

I honestly don't know where I'm headed next. Is this another of those times where you think you have it and then God comes and wipes the board clean again? I'm so sick and tired of getting blank pieces of the puzzle that don't seem to be fitting in anywhere and I'm sick of relying on people. I am not looking for a charity organization to just pick and follow behind for left over bread. I guess I've been brought up in an over protected lifestyle that I don't understand what it means to really and i mean REALLY, face LIFE in the face. Growing up protected can actually do more damage than good because it does not prepare you for reality until the one day when you think you're ready for it then you get hit SMACK in your face that life isn't and hasn't been and will never be what you think it to be.

What does it really mean to be in ministry? how does it fare when you serve not hoping to get paid but yet believing you'd be fed with no one giving you bread. Although the word clearly says you'll be fed if you work. How does that really work now? When all these years nothing has come of it that isn't from the head of the house instead of feeding the ones who also toil and sweat, breaking their mental muscles and fighting to keep things going in the organization known as the BODY. It's almost as thought I would give up, as though I will give in, it's almost the point of me breaking and turning away from this facade that has so much blinded me from the real world. I need to break away