In The Valley

Ladies and Gents.. I'm only human, and humans are entitled to face failures sometimes. It's been a while since I've felt this lost actually. I've always held my head high and thought through things before actually acting on something. I weigh my choices and look at the options I have and find the best way to reach the goal I've placed in front of me. Even the small things that I was left to choose I'll give it sometimes of thought before acting and all these thinking and planning made my path clear and focused. Right? WRONG!!

As soon as I thought I was on the right track, and that I've done the right thing by choosing to do Theological studies I was thrown with options and others distractions and attractions. I thought it was the one right thing that I can even do with my choice right? I mean people around me look and say "whoa.. you're gonna be like your dad eh? going to be a pastor?" hah WRONG again (this time not on my side) I never saw myself being a pastor now seriously. I've always had a heart for missions and media. So I'm sorry to disappoint all of you out there who think I'm on the track of being a pastor like my dad or someone else. I did not go into theological education to come out with a beaming degree in theology that enables me to sorta walk up to people and say "I am Pastor James!" or whatsoever. None of that was ever taken into account. It was for my own growth and insight so I can be more effective in my future task or at least am able to answer questions thrown at me, it was to help me develope a mind and heart that is Christ centered and not just head knowledge that wasn't even really capable of understanding the true meaning of being a Christian.

As hard as it was for me to make the decision to enter into theological enducation, it is even harder for me now to consider my next step from here. Not to say i don't trust God or anything. I honestly believe in His sovereignty and His faithfullness in providing for those who honor and serve Him. But i also believe that sometimes we have to make a conscious decision as to whether we want to do His bidding or not and that does not necessarily mean we have to go to wherever people see fits the puzzle. Sometimes He uses us in different ways than that of which we could imagine. I'm certainly now in a place where i can no longer see any light or any road or any direction that I should be going in. I feel totally lost, like i am in the valley or darkness. I need a miracle, i need a sign, i need God to show right now i need to know what to do or i'm just gonna sit here and wait until something happens.

It brings tears to my eyes when i think of the things i've done, or the so many times i've screwed up and made bad choices and what's worse than thinking it's the right thing and then to have to turn back and say i blew it after people see a worth in backing you up and to see all that support just seemingly go to waste? I don't know but i can't bear the thought of making people think i'm not a finisher because i can't finish something i was so determined it was the right thing for me to do. I need to just pray until i hear an answer. oh God..