I...m falling over
Over the edge
Out of the page
(and)
I....m starting over
wish I could be out there
Out and safe from here....
And I don't know why i'm here
What's the use of me
Wasting my time
waiting's a crime
If i Fall down today
Will you catch me
catch me
IF slip away
will you reach for me (reach for me)
Save me?
Up against the world
Fighting for the things
I believed in
For so long
it's just gone
everything's wrong
nothing's just the same
can't give up the fame
hope is not a lie
i can't deny..
YOu... used to be here
giving me strength
taking my hand
(but) now.. you've deserted
left me stranded
wasted....
words by jamest 2009 - Oct - 29
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Utter disappointment
All that I've done the last week was wasted as i couldn't run this week. I think i over used my legs until the point where resting 2 days is not even enough for it to recover. After stretching and warming up, came the regular rounds in time attack. So i felt a bit of pain already while doing my warmup laps, but i still went on running. Went on my pace steadily although today i started a little behind compared to my past few weeks of starting ahead of the crowd. did 3 mins plus for the first two rounds but when i came near the third round, that was when i felt the sharp pain deep in my shin again. I knew it was the last round so i kept pushing until the pain was hard to bear, it felt like I'd rather break those legs than feel this way(although in reality breaking them would be more painful). So i sat the rest of the day watching the rest of the team do the drills as i reflect on being stupid for pushing myself too far. But that is not the utter disappointment. The so many questions that flood my mind seem to be pointing me to an end.
am i strong or do i just think i am?
am i arrogant or am i meek?
am i proud or am i humble?
am i wise or am i foolish?
do people like to be around me or do people want to stay away from me?
am i intimidating or am i inviting?
am i threatening?
am i pushing things too far or am i not taking it far enough?
do i know a lot or do i think i know a lot?
do i know too much?
the list goes on and on it's like an identity crisis or rather it actually is. What does it feel to be deprived? What is it like to be lonely? Loneliness is not being alone in your own room, loneliness is being surrounded by a sea of people and you still can't find yourself, and you still don't feel loved. Sometimes i ask myself, how much significance do i have? Will i be remembered for the good reasons or the bad reasons? will i be remembered at all? If i die, what will be written for my remembrance? Undoubtedly sometimes i feel like i wouldn't live a very long time on this earth, but the journey itself seem to take forever. When will my work be complete? will i even be ready? or is my mission far from my reach? I have no answers. I wish i did.
am i strong or do i just think i am?
am i arrogant or am i meek?
am i proud or am i humble?
am i wise or am i foolish?
do people like to be around me or do people want to stay away from me?
am i intimidating or am i inviting?
am i threatening?
am i pushing things too far or am i not taking it far enough?
do i know a lot or do i think i know a lot?
do i know too much?
the list goes on and on it's like an identity crisis or rather it actually is. What does it feel to be deprived? What is it like to be lonely? Loneliness is not being alone in your own room, loneliness is being surrounded by a sea of people and you still can't find yourself, and you still don't feel loved. Sometimes i ask myself, how much significance do i have? Will i be remembered for the good reasons or the bad reasons? will i be remembered at all? If i die, what will be written for my remembrance? Undoubtedly sometimes i feel like i wouldn't live a very long time on this earth, but the journey itself seem to take forever. When will my work be complete? will i even be ready? or is my mission far from my reach? I have no answers. I wish i did.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Run baby Run
With the song playing in my head, "run baby run.. don't ever look back.."
I decided to go for a last round of running this week since i won't be able to run on friday.
regular 3 round again i clocked 10:53 which is the same as yesterday awesome... i hope this shows consistency XD although i did feel very tired after that. 3 days running straight is a crazy thing to do so suddenly but there has to be a start right? :)
I planned to run 20 minutes today but ended up going the extra mile to finish the km run also which i failed miserably. As i ran the first half everything was ok although i could feel the muscle on my left calve tightening up when i started but i decided to push on until i reach the end and made a U-turn to head back the second half as i did, i felt the muscle pull growing tighter but in my mind i was telling myself "keep going, just a little more to go" then ran for about 200m in the second half it just gave in, my body automatically switched to walking as the pain was too much to hold up the constant pounding, but i quickly took it to the pace with breeze walking hoping to reach the other side by 30 mins.
Almost looked like a walkathon guy haha. push push push and finally nearing my finish point i decided to try and run again to the goal but after about 5 steps body sutomatically switched to walking again.. -.- so walk lah... reached my end point at 29:54 so i finished it off with a set of push-ups. came back whole body was sore.. whoah.. but it was fun.. next week state training i hope the results pay off to be able to finish 3 rounds in 10 mins or less hopefully.
I decided to go for a last round of running this week since i won't be able to run on friday.
regular 3 round again i clocked 10:53 which is the same as yesterday awesome... i hope this shows consistency XD although i did feel very tired after that. 3 days running straight is a crazy thing to do so suddenly but there has to be a start right? :)
I planned to run 20 minutes today but ended up going the extra mile to finish the km run also which i failed miserably. As i ran the first half everything was ok although i could feel the muscle on my left calve tightening up when i started but i decided to push on until i reach the end and made a U-turn to head back the second half as i did, i felt the muscle pull growing tighter but in my mind i was telling myself "keep going, just a little more to go" then ran for about 200m in the second half it just gave in, my body automatically switched to walking as the pain was too much to hold up the constant pounding, but i quickly took it to the pace with breeze walking hoping to reach the other side by 30 mins.
Almost looked like a walkathon guy haha. push push push and finally nearing my finish point i decided to try and run again to the goal but after about 5 steps body sutomatically switched to walking again.. -.- so walk lah... reached my end point at 29:54 so i finished it off with a set of push-ups. came back whole body was sore.. whoah.. but it was fun.. next week state training i hope the results pay off to be able to finish 3 rounds in 10 mins or less hopefully.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Looking up and forward...
Like the title of my blog I'm always looking up even though things may seem down I'll try to find the light.. the way out, the higher ground, the better choice, the path less taken...
Two days ago i went on a jog... my brother said i was crazy since the next day was state training. He said "you ar.. shouldn't do like that, will kill yourself must rest one day one..", but boy did i not listen.. terus run... so run run run... first goal is to run 3 rounds in less then 13 minutes.. so, push push push... the round around Bukit Dumbar that the state team usually does is about 700m this one is 800m per round but the difference is Bukit Dumbar has more gradient means.. more up hill down hill variant whereas this taman is more gradual with only a slight incline. Anyways.. so i ran and pushed myself to keep a constant pace which i was successful in doing for the three compulsory rounds and managed to top my time at 10:48 then another 3/4 of a round before doing 20 push-ups and then continue running for another kilo slower this time just to keep going for 25 minutes . Then ran to watch my brother play futsal after calling me siao hahah. Then got a drink and ran back to my house which took about 12 minutes for about 2.5km.
The you know.. state training the next day (read previous post)
So to the present day.. since i was able to get off work early today as there was no OT needed i thought hmm.. should go run since coach Ed said should run everyday so i try loh... And this time my brother didn't say anything haha, but brought his cat along -.- i don't know why but he was supposed to run but he didn't lolz. I told him I'm gonna run 30 mins not stop and off i went.. to tryout my endurance and hopefully see how i might fare for the PBIM. Again the 3 compulsory run for the fastest time consistantly.. and i did it a little slower this time in 10:53 a little disappointed lah but oh well it was a difference of 00:05 will decide whether i can make it or not in the real thing, gotta try harder next time.
Next was the extra 3/4 of the round again but this time i didn't stop for push-ups instead i went ahead to the km run for about 2 rounds so 2km in total i think.. will go measure the distance soon but for now it seems like one km per round. I pushed myself to keep running until 30 minutes was up which i managed. PHEW!! what a relief that i can actually run non stop. Then the run back after completing the two rounds ran back to the lap circle for another 800m then finished it off with 20 push-ups and boy was i relieved.. finished the whole thing in 41:23.
What I've learned
Well i found out that our minds have a mental block for 20 minutes or plus.. for the first 20 minutes or so our minds keep telling us you can't go anymore.. it's too hard.. but as i kept on going not concentrating on how far i've ran but just to keep running and keep my legs moving after that 25-30 minutes it feels like i could go on forever now.. it was like.. "just keep moving, just keep moving, step by step, keep going" so my legs kept moving and moving.. until i saw my brother walking his cat and the sun had already set so time to go home for a nice warm bath and now going for my dinner so cheerio, hope you've learned somethings from my experience too yea.
Two days ago i went on a jog... my brother said i was crazy since the next day was state training. He said "you ar.. shouldn't do like that, will kill yourself must rest one day one..", but boy did i not listen.. terus run... so run run run... first goal is to run 3 rounds in less then 13 minutes.. so, push push push... the round around Bukit Dumbar that the state team usually does is about 700m this one is 800m per round but the difference is Bukit Dumbar has more gradient means.. more up hill down hill variant whereas this taman is more gradual with only a slight incline. Anyways.. so i ran and pushed myself to keep a constant pace which i was successful in doing for the three compulsory rounds and managed to top my time at 10:48 then another 3/4 of a round before doing 20 push-ups and then continue running for another kilo slower this time just to keep going for 25 minutes . Then ran to watch my brother play futsal after calling me siao hahah. Then got a drink and ran back to my house which took about 12 minutes for about 2.5km.
The you know.. state training the next day (read previous post)
So to the present day.. since i was able to get off work early today as there was no OT needed i thought hmm.. should go run since coach Ed said should run everyday so i try loh... And this time my brother didn't say anything haha, but brought his cat along -.- i don't know why but he was supposed to run but he didn't lolz. I told him I'm gonna run 30 mins not stop and off i went.. to tryout my endurance and hopefully see how i might fare for the PBIM. Again the 3 compulsory run for the fastest time consistantly.. and i did it a little slower this time in 10:53 a little disappointed lah but oh well it was a difference of 00:05 will decide whether i can make it or not in the real thing, gotta try harder next time.
Next was the extra 3/4 of the round again but this time i didn't stop for push-ups instead i went ahead to the km run for about 2 rounds so 2km in total i think.. will go measure the distance soon but for now it seems like one km per round. I pushed myself to keep running until 30 minutes was up which i managed. PHEW!! what a relief that i can actually run non stop. Then the run back after completing the two rounds ran back to the lap circle for another 800m then finished it off with 20 push-ups and boy was i relieved.. finished the whole thing in 41:23.
What I've learned
Well i found out that our minds have a mental block for 20 minutes or plus.. for the first 20 minutes or so our minds keep telling us you can't go anymore.. it's too hard.. but as i kept on going not concentrating on how far i've ran but just to keep running and keep my legs moving after that 25-30 minutes it feels like i could go on forever now.. it was like.. "just keep moving, just keep moving, step by step, keep going" so my legs kept moving and moving.. until i saw my brother walking his cat and the sun had already set so time to go home for a nice warm bath and now going for my dinner so cheerio, hope you've learned somethings from my experience too yea.
A Disciplined Man
A wise man once said this "A disciplined man beats his body" not beat up himself, but beat his body meaning making it strong, toughening it up. Of course these were taken from what Paul said "I beat myself.." can't remember where it's found but yeah.
So i took also the advice of another man to beating myself and went jogging for 25 + 12 minutes to push myself. Then the next day was state training and again i pushed myself doing killers round after round not knowing when my legs will give. But in the end I did it and did not give in.
The next big challenge i'm about to face is the Penang Bridge Run which will be on the 22nd November which is only about a month away, which mean i only have about a month to run. It's gonna be my first time running 21k and on the bridge, I really don't know how it will end up but, there's a first time for everything so that's my next big challenge.
So i took also the advice of another man to beating myself and went jogging for 25 + 12 minutes to push myself. Then the next day was state training and again i pushed myself doing killers round after round not knowing when my legs will give. But in the end I did it and did not give in.
The next big challenge i'm about to face is the Penang Bridge Run which will be on the 22nd November which is only about a month away, which mean i only have about a month to run. It's gonna be my first time running 21k and on the bridge, I really don't know how it will end up but, there's a first time for everything so that's my next big challenge.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Whoah.. I feel so fit kekek
Ok so finally after waiting for two long weeks for the results to come out I've finally got it XD and the result for the APAC nomination is... *drum rolls* i did... not get it hahah. OK so you might ask why am i so happy if i didn't get it ... mind boggling? not really. Well the reason I nominated this time was because it was in Singapore which is pretty close by, don't have to spend too much although i know that my level of play isn't quite there yet but oh well like they always say no hard trying right? Right!! haha discounting the anxious nights thinking "crap.. if i get them gai liao" why again? simple. Youth camp coming up and i'm neck deep in the preparations, Work which i just started and it wouldn't be nice if i take leave so many times when i just started XD, saturday night youth which is currently "boh kau lang" since SPMers are going through the grind time so it's all kinda under powered and imagine if i got the nomination then there will be a few weeks where i cannot be with the fireBRANDS which is right now my main focus at least for this year. Anyways.. thats the explanation for the reason why i'm so happy even though i didn't get the nomination. besides.. when i filled in the form i sorta laughed when i saw years played and all i could write was 9 months compared with all those i can imagine writing 4 years or 5 years or more... so yeah it was a good bid though XD
So back to the top.. i feel so fit..? no wait I am fit hahah or is it just today? Dunno oh well today was a little draggy in the office my head was burning dunno why.. my stomach was really hungry although i had milo in the morning and some cookies, and i was peeling stickers off at least 50 facial boards.. which is giving my finger a painful pinch now. Today's the second week of the month so it's time for physical training in BUkit Dumber!! no wait it dumbar!! lol (that was seriously a typo) and yeah i came as early as i could about 6:10 i think when i arrived suited up, do some stretching and then warm up rounds. My stomach was already feeling empty then.. and i was thinking die la this time sure flat out one.. wonder how many rounds i can make it. So Coach Ed came and gave us the 3 rounds in15 minutes and for those going for APAC less than 13 minutes.. so i ran and ran and ran... and ran.. and kept on running hoping and praying my stomach doesn't cramp in and i don't die half way. So run, and run , and run until i finished the 3 rounds.. at 10mins 56sec the last time we did 4 rounds my time was 16:15 which is an improvement of 51.75 secs per round on average.
Next was the killing drills.. everyone had to run up the slope (sprint) and get back down and ready to go in 45 seconds we did this for like 5 times.. then relax everyone sit down.. take it easy.. so people started sitting and resting.. then coach Ed gave us the next killer... -.- now do "the hike" (i think that's what it's called) where you put your hands on the ground and move your legs like you're running, do that for about 20 times then dash up the slope again and then back down and all this in 1 minute. -.- killer? you try it then tell me. So boom, i ran and before every round i was thinking can i make it this time.. my stomach seriously damn "eeau" d... but surprisingly i managed to pull it off.. whoo.. thank God.. and that was it.. but i didn't really feel that tired lo.. so i thought.. very long never do 40 yd dash d.. so i pecuted for a bit just to try can or not. lol... and surprisingly can wor.. hahah.. then i went for another round with short sprints in between then another after that.. i feel so refreshed after that then the makan and then.. my warm bath... etc etc.. you know how it feels lolz.. well that's it for today... i'll update on the RUNNAT next time yeah so hang in there
So back to the top.. i feel so fit..? no wait I am fit hahah or is it just today? Dunno oh well today was a little draggy in the office my head was burning dunno why.. my stomach was really hungry although i had milo in the morning and some cookies, and i was peeling stickers off at least 50 facial boards.. which is giving my finger a painful pinch now. Today's the second week of the month so it's time for physical training in BUkit Dumber!! no wait it dumbar!! lol (that was seriously a typo) and yeah i came as early as i could about 6:10 i think when i arrived suited up, do some stretching and then warm up rounds. My stomach was already feeling empty then.. and i was thinking die la this time sure flat out one.. wonder how many rounds i can make it. So Coach Ed came and gave us the 3 rounds in15 minutes and for those going for APAC less than 13 minutes.. so i ran and ran and ran... and ran.. and kept on running hoping and praying my stomach doesn't cramp in and i don't die half way. So run, and run , and run until i finished the 3 rounds.. at 10mins 56sec the last time we did 4 rounds my time was 16:15 which is an improvement of 51.75 secs per round on average.
Next was the killing drills.. everyone had to run up the slope (sprint) and get back down and ready to go in 45 seconds we did this for like 5 times.. then relax everyone sit down.. take it easy.. so people started sitting and resting.. then coach Ed gave us the next killer... -.- now do "the hike" (i think that's what it's called) where you put your hands on the ground and move your legs like you're running, do that for about 20 times then dash up the slope again and then back down and all this in 1 minute. -.- killer? you try it then tell me. So boom, i ran and before every round i was thinking can i make it this time.. my stomach seriously damn "eeau" d... but surprisingly i managed to pull it off.. whoo.. thank God.. and that was it.. but i didn't really feel that tired lo.. so i thought.. very long never do 40 yd dash d.. so i pecuted for a bit just to try can or not. lol... and surprisingly can wor.. hahah.. then i went for another round with short sprints in between then another after that.. i feel so refreshed after that then the makan and then.. my warm bath... etc etc.. you know how it feels lolz.. well that's it for today... i'll update on the RUNNAT next time yeah so hang in there
Sunday, October 04, 2009
This Sunday =)
So today was a great Sunday, and that I'd say because God made it that way =)
Started off with Sunday service at church where I was playing drums and Josh was leading in the singspration. I was a little disappointed that i did not receive the songs earlier in the week and that the music was a little messy as the bassist was playing his rifts... like a guitar instead of playing bass parts (he's a guitarist who always overplays as well). But oh well Pastor Victor was speaking on Money & Wealth and i assisted him in the powerpoint presentation. And i think it hit certain people i guess lolz parents need to hear that.
After church was a time of keeping up with old friends like JOnathan, Ee Kai, Alex, Sam and Chai Chee at McD which i got the coca cola cup lolz.. DOn't know why i'm obsessed with coca cola -.- I've actually got different bottles and cans of coca cola from a few places not too many yet XD although i'm trying to get more hahah. Then we went to catch a movie titled, FAR CRY based on the game which was actually a far cry -.- no idea why the name or the story of the movie since i didn't play the game so i don't really know except for the part where the main character always wears a Hawaiian shirt. ON the ratings i'd put 6/10 and instead of action movie i'd say it's more of a comedy? seriously the actions were pretty funny and we did crack a few times if not too many in the cinema. Short movie and if you didn't think it was funny then you just wasted your money lol.
OK so after that went to drool over the kawasaki Ninja 250R again then to my brother's place to pick up his stuff before going home to crashHhZzx..zz.. and then up again for dinner.
Since tomorrow is my dad's birthday Josh and i decided to do something for dad so i suggested Chillis for a BIG meal lolz.. but then my mom wasn't feeling so well so they didn't want to go that far so we settled for Juru Auto City :D. we went to Seoul Garden where we ate all we could till we couldn't eat anymore.... -.- we actually sat there from 7:30 to about 9:40 which was a while. we've not sat so long in an eating place for a long time or have never? oh well can't really remember. It was me and my brother's treat for my dad this time to appreciate him for all the things he's done for us :) Happy Birthday Dad!! whooo!. after dinner a walk in the flea market where kids were running around trying to follow the laser lights that were all over the floor and saw two movies there i mean two movies... haha one ending and the other beginning lolz. Yeah.. so i guess that was what happened today. Thank God for everything.
Started off with Sunday service at church where I was playing drums and Josh was leading in the singspration. I was a little disappointed that i did not receive the songs earlier in the week and that the music was a little messy as the bassist was playing his rifts... like a guitar instead of playing bass parts (he's a guitarist who always overplays as well). But oh well Pastor Victor was speaking on Money & Wealth and i assisted him in the powerpoint presentation. And i think it hit certain people i guess lolz parents need to hear that.
After church was a time of keeping up with old friends like JOnathan, Ee Kai, Alex, Sam and Chai Chee at McD which i got the coca cola cup lolz.. DOn't know why i'm obsessed with coca cola -.- I've actually got different bottles and cans of coca cola from a few places not too many yet XD although i'm trying to get more hahah. Then we went to catch a movie titled, FAR CRY based on the game which was actually a far cry -.- no idea why the name or the story of the movie since i didn't play the game so i don't really know except for the part where the main character always wears a Hawaiian shirt. ON the ratings i'd put 6/10 and instead of action movie i'd say it's more of a comedy? seriously the actions were pretty funny and we did crack a few times if not too many in the cinema. Short movie and if you didn't think it was funny then you just wasted your money lol.
OK so after that went to drool over the kawasaki Ninja 250R again then to my brother's place to pick up his stuff before going home to crashHhZzx..zz.. and then up again for dinner.
Since tomorrow is my dad's birthday Josh and i decided to do something for dad so i suggested Chillis for a BIG meal lolz.. but then my mom wasn't feeling so well so they didn't want to go that far so we settled for Juru Auto City :D. we went to Seoul Garden where we ate all we could till we couldn't eat anymore.... -.- we actually sat there from 7:30 to about 9:40 which was a while. we've not sat so long in an eating place for a long time or have never? oh well can't really remember. It was me and my brother's treat for my dad this time to appreciate him for all the things he's done for us :) Happy Birthday Dad!! whooo!. after dinner a walk in the flea market where kids were running around trying to follow the laser lights that were all over the floor and saw two movies there i mean two movies... haha one ending and the other beginning lolz. Yeah.. so i guess that was what happened today. Thank God for everything.
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