Skipped, Passed, and Next Please

The phrase i've always heard whenever I wanted to do something when i was younger was oh you're too young. The first time I heard that blowing call was when i wanted to go for youth camp the first time. Well i was 12 and young, correct but so were the rest of the 12 year olds who did manage to go. I told my parents I wanted to go for the camp and guess what? You're still young, too young for that. No one can take care of you there bla bla bla... earlier on I wanted to follow my brother cycling when I was in langkawi, guess what you so young cannot go... guess what there were two guys younger than me who went...

When i wanted to work at 15.. oh no.. you're too young when i wanted to drive, oh no too young.. Seriously the number of "too young's" I've heard in my whole life is unimaginable. Don't remember how many times i've heard it. Anyways.. so i guess i have to wait till i'm older eh? So wait i did. Pouring all effort and energy into people working things out. Just waiting to get older. And one fine day I did grow older, but guess what now i'm too old. All my life I've heard prophecies of "you'll be a leader among people" but time and time I've only seen it skipped by me. Circumstances are always " i pick you, and you, and you, and *skip*, and you." These are your new leaders.

Time and time I offered to serve, but no i'm underqualified, you're over qualified for this small thing. It's ok, you should go do something better. I can't count the number of turndowns and excuses given. Well is this what it means to be that stallion, to be that leader, to be called. I don't know. Sometimes, and honestly speaking I've been tested and tried so so many times. It feels like it's too much. Too many times that I don't know when will be the day I leave it all. Is that what it takes? To forsake all? To leave all the "call" if it now exists for what's out there. If that's the measure of tolerating the words that i've been hearing then I might be forced to make the choice of leaving behind lies and deception. I don't know why people keep reminding me about oh.. remember you call and all bla bla bla.. what's there to remember when there's no help coming my way. I've done so many things, to look for an opening only to end up in denied answers. And people complain that I haven't done anything when they don't see the extent of where i've pushed myself sometimes.

Even in places where I can excel, I've been pushed aside just like that. In things i cannot achieve i accept, because there's someone who's better let him do it. But in areas i know i have strength in I've also been placed under the drawer. I am happy for the one chosen but i don't know how to react to those choosing. I sometimes feel like blowing up in myself. All those effort put in to bring up standards of people pushing myself to be better at what i do so i can be of help to those weaker and struggling pushing the tray from the bottom. To end the date with "oh you've all come a long way, now you're leaders." And the guy at the bottom stays at the bottom still pushing those on top higher and higher until they are able to rise themselves.

But I guess the only thing holding me on is that Jesus was the greatest servant when He was the greatest leader, He was God who came and served on the earth He created. Who am i compared to him. What's there for me to complain? With God in perspective, my answer is I have no right to complain. Fatalism says just wait till the worst happens. Hope says wait till the end of days. Hope? or Illusion? Your call. My answer? Hope only in God.