So It Was

The last couple of weeks was a weird period for me, with so many things going on and things i have to do plus the craziness of working while trying to juggle so many other things in church and all just gave me a mental blow i guess. I turned to the emo mode all of a sudden without a guide to pull me out of it, everything that happened just wasn't right. Started with office stuff first getting a little off hand, then to floorball, then to youth commitments, prep for camp etc etc the list will just go on and on.

I think i was so down that even in my facebook i wrote i was at the bottom of the bottomless pit, which doesn't make sense.. haha see what being emo does to your brains? It takes time to climb out of a well once you've fallen into it. It's slippery, it's dark and wet, and sometimes you'd feel like just giving up from climbing out. But that's until someone comes along and throws a rope down to you. Now i'm still on my way up grabbing on to the rope that was given me to hold. Thank God for being there when i needed Him.

I don't know what is it in me that makes me strive to be good at what i do, or trying to be good at whatever i do. there's just this feeling of i must be the best. I don't know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing, and with that i tend to push myself to the limits, until i break i might not stop. Then I'm reminded of how life is fragile, and then i thought to myself, then i should just live it to the fullest right? I remind myself of how i want to live a legacy and also leave a legacy. The legacy to live a life of love and that's giving, caring for people just like the person who left me with it did. Bringing life and hope to people around me, building lives instead of breaking them. But as i reflect on what i've done so far it seems like none of that has been accomplished. I just feel like i've not done anything that's worth a living. I don't seem to treat people with love like some people do. I end up yelling at people and telling them what to do instead of guiding them through.

There's times when i feel at the bottom but not show it. Although as much as i want to be transparent with life but sometimes people expect us to different. It's not easy being a minister's son and a leader. But then it's here i'm reminded that who I rely on will determine the outcome of what i do. Who i find strength in will be the answer to the journey's hardship. Am i living a life of surrender or am i walking in my own sight. So many things just flood my thoughts, but at the end of the day as I walk out a life of service to Abba Father he will surely take me through.