A Psalm unto the Lord

Oh Lord, You've searched me
Even in my mother's womb, You've called me
Before the world began, You formed me
You know my every thought and deed
You brought me life and gave me new life
From the depths of my sorrow You gave me comfort
From the tears in my eyes You gave me joy
Knowing You has been the greatest joy
You have not forsaken me
Even when I turned my back against You
Even then You called me by name
You called me Your own
Before I could call out to You
You have hidden me under Your wings
When the storms came to claim me
Oh Lord, will you hear my cry
Will You answer my plea
Even now when I am forsaken by those around me
My hands have failed me
My legs they snare me
In You oh Lord I put my trust
Yours ways are higher than my ways
Your thoughts higher than mine
Lead me Lord in Your way everlasting
Guide me in Your truth all the days of my life
Show me the path of righteousness
That I may not be apart from You for all eternity
In You oh Lord I put my trust
In Your Word oh Lord I bury my heart

Play the music

A couple of months ago Daniel asked Leroy and I if we wanted to play in Hard Rock Hotel and I thought sure why not. So I went and bought myself a Cajon for the sakes of percussion but the gig was pushed forward and postponed a few times here and there due to the dates and our availablity. Bringing it back a little further Rachel and Kah Wei had planned for a wedding earlier on and asked if Leroy could play. At least that much i know and so since we were forming a 3 piece already Leroy asked if we could play and Dan also being part of the wedding we agreed and somewhere along the way Joyce was also added into the equation to present a few songs. So we got together and practiced a couple of times and that was it.

The best part was we weren't all that nervous for the peformance although it was a small reception before the huge one in Nov. There were still quite a number for our audience.. come to think of it, it would be about the number of people we would have to entertain when we play in Hard Rock. I think it would be good when we finally debut in Hard Rock. Can't wait for the day we actually play there. Rachel and Kah Wei's wedding on the other hand was fun! Although I must say that it really feels awkward sitting down during the events. having been shooting weddings for the past year and a half and always having to move around to get your shot at a wedding especially during the cake cutting, champagne pouring etc.. to finally being a guest to just sit down felt a little uncomfortable. My legs really felt like i had to walk to the side of the stage to get a side shot of the couple cutting the cake. Through that I was pretty restless but apart from that there was a relieve for not having to stand through a wedding the whole time.

The long Un-post

The last time i wrote anything was ages ago so long that i can't even remember when. I've never really had the time to pen my thoughts for a long time and tonight or rather this morning I somehow found the urge to check on my long abandoned blog and maybe write a little something :)

I must say what a journey it has been for me the past year or so. Painful and challenging yet in someways edifying although that would be the part I notice less as the pain and challenges tend to overshadow the good of things in life. It has been a hard year or learning about life, the hits and bruises, the fun and excitement, and of course the unwitting wisdom of life that we only learn by experiencing the faces that people give us.

This journey was a necessity as it has thought me to understand the way this world works. How should i carry myself as a professional and as a human. What it's like to work in an environment that requires me to being unattached emotionally yet at the same time displaying an attitude of enthusiasm in the face of demanding circumstances. It has also thought me the extend of what I should or should not say which is definitely a big part of surviving life. Being a person who has always been quick to open up it has been a key lesson for me to sometimes know how to shut up.

I've yet miles to cover before I could say that I've achieved something but this is definitely a milestone to discover that the jewels in life come with a price that we can take away only if we understand how to live. The world isn't a friendly place, it isn't where you belong but you're stuck here until death beckons you until then in order to survive do your best and learn to beat the rest. It's war out there.

Lovesick

Have you been lovesick? I know I have but none of those physical love compares to the one you know when you're in love with Jesus. Because once you're in that place of intimacy you won't ever feel like getting out. It's just so sweet, so renewing, so refreshing that you won't be able to imagine life without it. That is the extend of being in His love and knowing it.
To behold the beauty of His presence in your everyday life is the reward of seeking. Those who seek Him shall find Him. Those who find Him find rest. Just this morning on the way to work, I had an intimate time with the Lord. All the way to work. And that's just how amazing and how close He is to us. If only we want Him just like He wants us.

Been a long time (Finding His Love)

It has been a long long time it seems since I last wrote anything reason being the business that comes with working life and being involved with the house of prayer. It's been a season of growing through pain and joy sometimes sorrow, but they're necessary for growth. It's been a time of learning to give up things and living a life that's more disciplined and focused on the task set ahead of me.
I wouldn't say it's been smooth sailing all the way but it certainly has been rewarding going through those stretching patches of life. No I've not arrived nor am I more highly than I was before or those around me. Far from that, rather I find myself more and more ugly on the inside on my own. So many things brought to light just feels disgusting to even think of or imagine yet they are real and in every way meant to tear me down. I would say that I realize that I am weak and unable to rid myself from temptations and sin but by grace I've been saved by the blood of Jesus that has paid for all my sins and has enabled me to live a life that is righteous before His eyes.
I know He doesn't count the times I fall but He looks at the times I get up again and rise up from the pits into my identity in His Son. I know that the love of Jesus compels me to live worthy of the calling He has upon my life. Honestly I haven't been spending time in the secret place since I started working but i know that in my everyday walk I need to be in communion with Him and need His grace to get by each day because not a day that goes by without the enemy trying to steal away this heart of mine from the love and grace of walking in obedience and I do admit that sometimes if not too many I fall. Yet I am constantly reminded of His love that cares not of the sins I commit but looks at the gold that is in me. He calls me for who I am not who I'm supposed to be. He looks at me and calls me His own daily assuring me of His love. I can only fail and bring Him sorrow but from the help of the Holy Spirit I bring Him joy when by His strength I pass the test and by His love and grace I rise up again each time I fall. That is the extend of His love that I find myself so lost in.

El Passion

So finally after so long I'm able or rather willing to blog :P Nah actually it's more like I finally have something to blog about.
As most of you would have already known, I finally got a job praise God for his faithfulness. It's the second month of work now and I'm thoroughly blessed. I've been waiting for an opportunity like this for years and finally the breakthrough. I guess it's really God's timing for everything. If you don't know, here's a little light on what I'm doing. I'm attached to Wedding Story, a company that does wedding films from a diff angle. Telling a story of each couples unique experiences through their wedding day employing cinematic styles diverging from the usual coverage shooting. Which helps me to learn to tell a story from what I shoot :) exciting right? absolutely.
I've had my first wedding shoot in the nation's capital about two weeks ago and by golly was it a big one. Thanks to my kind and humble "sifu" boss i was given the opportunity to learn from a few other experiences before thrown into a huge wedding. Certainly was a different experience shooting a wedding compared to a static event or static point shot in live coverages. What a privilege and better still to shoot with the new Canon 7D which is my dream camera. still vying to get one for my own one day but seems like the 60D will be coming out soon so.. who knows what it will be.

Now back to my main point :P. Like i mentioned earlier I had the opportunity to learn a few before the wedding. And yes what a great lesson it was. Now it's my job to edit that piece and I found the pain of doing it XD haha not complaining but rather learning the importance of knowing what to shoot and what not to shoot and many other stuff that comes along the way. It's so hard to edit a video with clips that simply look directionless. I begin to realize that i should bear in mind what I'm painting when i'm shooting. As much as I realize that now I'm finding it hard to fix a piece of puzzle that i got too excited about and poured the pieces out before look at it first. I wish i'd known earlier.. but oh well all said and done.. I shall enter the work with a fresh perspective.

Humbled by grace

I've seen the greatness of Your love
the depths of Your thoughts for me
How I'm brought lowly before all that You've given me
How You've sustained me through times I've felt lonely
Your love carries me

Your grace has set me free
From the chains that hold me
Your life the price You've paid so i'll be free
You've made whole the void that was in me
You have embraced me

Many times I've thought i could
On my own but those have failed
Yet you still hold me and embrace me
There you gently carry me and remind me
You still love me

I can't behold it
The love You've shown me
I only stand amazed
and humbled by Your grace

Stupidity

For every mistake we make there's a consequence. Be it big or small, now or later there will be consequences for what we do. And I for one am one who is sometimes quick to act stupid without thinking. God help me. And for one I know that I'm walking in the consequence of one right now. It was spoken that the cross will come soon but i didn't expect it to be this soon. Guess it's right to say it comes when you least expect it to. And for being a little impatient and impudent I'm now learning a hard lesson, at least it is to the heart one that's painful. But I thank God for lessons like these that I may learn to walk patiently and wait for His will to come to pass in His time and not in my own rush hour sorta acts. Repentance will make us whole again, but we still have to suffer the consequences of things we done and that's just how our gentle Father teaches and chastises us with love so that we may grow and learn from it.

Brought to humility

I've just started to think of how great the past week had been just seeking His face and being enabled to serve Him in so many ways and the thought of "wow i did great" crept in but by His grace i was reminded of how small i am and how insignificant i was. I started to reflect back on the encounters i had with the Father and how great and marvelous He was. The more i see the greatness of my Great big God, the more i am being brought to the truth of how lowly and small i am. Being shown His throne room and being confirmed by another just added amounts to my faith in Him. It is by no mistake, that i am what i am and that i am who i am now and i am striving to be more like His son, Jesus. Really the words from the song 'Nothing Compares' by Third Day resonate in my head that "nothing compares to greatness of knowing You, Lord" and the amount of truth in that statement is being made real to me each and every new day as i learn to rely on Him and long after Him daily. Again i am made low when i realize His greatness and how weak i am when i see His hand move. I am but a week vessel only used by Him by His grace and mercy for i amount to nothing on my own but in His eyes He has called me precious and nothing compares to that.

Intimacy

The past week has been a challenging at first but now an exciting time with God. If you're wondering why I haven't been updating anything on FB it's coz i'm taking a week off of it and preparing for the AWAKEN Conference.

Re-prioritizing things in life is a great challenge for someone who goes by feelings most of the time and just this week I've been learning to let go of my own plan and dreams and "greediness" of holding on to so many things to just letting Him guide me and just hearing His heart out and what's important to Him. Still it's a learning process for me to take part and I'm still learning and need His grace day by day.

I'm learning to walk more and more in intimacy with Him and that's the exciting part of life. I'm encouraged by the people who have come alongside me and just speak words of truth and words that build me up this past week. Thank you again for being ministers to me :)

Directions and Discipline

How do I start? hmm.. I guess I've not had a clear direction in the present for a long time. Being restless and well unsettled.
I guess I've not learned my lesson well, the lesson that God has been trying to teach me so many times before and I did not realize it and yet, use His name to reason myself out of it just because it would seem justified to do so.

Just finally talking to someone who understands where I'm coming from totally knocked sense into me and helped me see what actually happened as i reflected back on what I've been through. Throwing great opportunities away just because i feel... giving up on things that were a lesson just because i feel.. and so many other things wasted just because i feel.. or rather i DON'T feel like it anymore. And as I look back I understood what i was really doing and almost brought tears to my eyes for not realizing the mistakes I've made when I could've easily passed the test if only i persevered through it all. But sadly i didn't, and now it's class 101 all over again and I have to sit through every class and tests that will be thrown in my face. It will be a very trying period for me but I have to get this done with if i want to move forward.

Even my time at seminary, I was awakened to the fact that it wasn't just to learn how to read or interpret the Bible or whatever but it was a test and a greater lesson to teach me to be disciplined and to stick through something. Even in working after that it wasn't just another job, it was a classroom to teach me to pull through the hard times of the mundane or so i call it. Making it sound so.. properly indecent when all it was, was myself not being able to take the lessons that God has been trying to get me to learn.

I pray it's not too late to learn this valuable lesson and to go through it diligently. If it's anything else, it could be my one shot to make it in time before it gets too late or i get too old to be used effectively in service. I don't want to miss the ship you know. It's already been hard as it is and time is slipping away by the day. This is the one thing I ask of the Lord that I may have His grace and mercy, strength and diligence to go through with it. Not just rushing through it but to be teachable in spirit.

Canon vs Nikon in real time

So today was a busy day for me.. well kinda. I forgot something really important with it's date due end of this month haha so had to rush over to the Island to finish it. Then the rest of the day was pretty boring and exciting at some points lolz. I managed to scout gears for my camera although I forgot to check out how much my camera would be worth if i were to trade it or something XD must've slipped my mind (that doesn't mean I'm selling it).

So I sat at the camera shop and chatted with the guy who seems very pro =P and he's a Canon man btw. I managed to get some prices for tripods, filter, lens and lenses lolz. However i still need to work with my finance minister about budget. Really fun time at the shop though went looking for hires as well.

After that took off to INTi field to play football with a LARGE group of people :) after sooo long and after missing it last week although in the process hurt my thumb AGAIN!!! not that bad though, just slight pain for catching the ball wrongly. Went to Justin's place for a shower and it was time for BOWLING!!!!! woot woot!! headed to BJ for the firebrands:ONWARDS outing at the alley. My job however was not to play but to shoot :) and that's what I did with given opportunity. The best part was.. the hands on comparison of Canon and Nikon, it was the 20D(ancient fart) vs the D90(young chap), 8mp vs 12mp, facing off with high ISO low light rink.
Although after a while the Nikon went "f - -" like literally that's what showed in the lcd panel haha don't know what went wrong, while the Canon remained steady and did it's job. I did manage to set the two to a duel shooting a shoe... :) with the same settings.

Both in Extended ISO modes blasted to the highest or (H) on my 20D, at about 42mm zoom, f4.5 and 4.8 for the Nikon, my tammy 24-135 vs the Nikkor 18-105. And the results were amazing. lolz.. a few shots measured and tested before that and I fell in love with the Nikon's high ISO low noise processing, whereas my baby went a lil noisy compared to the D90. However I still like the color tone on mine :) just a little warmer than what you'd get from the Nikon. It's hard to describe it all here so i'll post up the pictures when i get it from the Nikon owner :) till then have fun

It's here.. the comparing shots.. although not shot exactly at the same settings but this is off the camera.

It ain't easy

Wow for me the past few weeks have been really a test of faith. First off, interview and hoping to get a job ending up not getting it. A lot of new things learned from that though. Tis a season of new paradigms for me. Seeing things in ways I've never thought of, like this season of waiting that I've been brought to understand so differently and finally to realize what the real meaning of wait is.

So I've re-set aside time to seek God and to find out where I'm suppose to go in these few months. Living by faith is really testing me, being an impatient person i tend to want things quick and prompt I sometimes what it means to not have something I want. It keeps me at a discipline level to not rush into getting things which right now there's those I'm really hoping to have. It also helps determines what's priority and what's necessity. I tend to get those two mixed up most of the time.

For now trusting God is like a roller-coaster ride now. It's sometimes smooth and slow and then suddenly my heart is restlessly pounding, sometimes from excitement and sometimes it's from not knowing what's to be next. So many things I just wish I had the answers or at least a form or certainty but that wouldn't be faith now would it. =)
I guess I still have lots to learn this season. I'm trying to be patient like totally holding myself back from doing lotsa things but it feels like it's not near slow enough to where I'm supposed to be. I am, straining the ropes that are keeping me on track, trying to get farther than what I'm allowed. Which at this point is kinda painful for me being in wait for so, so long that I can't really remember the feelings I've had before. It's a start of something totally new for me. Just the restlessness of wanting to know what it's gonna feel like at the end of it is torture. Which is why I need His grace every new day.

While I'm still praying for directions to get clearer I just feel like I have to step out to reach where I'm supposed to be. A major step of faith. And for that i need strength, and that I ask of the Lord that He will give me strength. Not to break free, but rather strength to wait on Him and His time.

Whew... now that I've let it all out, I should be able to sleep hehehe..

Things Happen so quickly

"I have a passion, I know what it is, but what have I done to fulfill it?"

Technically that has been the question popping up every time I reflect on what I'm doing. Since the last post I've been looking for the right company to get attached to in order to fulfill my dream and my passion. But alas I have yet to find an open door. I've been trying to contact the right people, praying and seeking hoping to find someone or somewhere I can get started with telling myself, "do what ever it takes to get started, even if it means just picking up after people". I guess it's never easy to get started on something with nothing really to show off about; I'm not a genius or whatever but all I am is that I want to learn.

Finally went for my interview and well I kinda expected the result but the process was extraordinary. I guess it wasn't really my passion to get into graphic design, I mean yeah i know that but i didn't know I was so far off from it. Although I must say that I'm kinda disappointed in not being able to make the cut. I guess it was so obvious that both my interviewers said I need to look for the thing I'm passionate for. the only problem with that is that I still haven't had the chance to link up with the people that I've come in contact with. Which is frustrating, I'm really on the verge of breaking apart. Guess the only thing that's keeping me sane is the constant reminder that God is in control of my situation and the time i spend with Him.

The answer to the question up top, "I'm doing all I can right now, just hope it's not too late and waiting for an open door"

A time to choose

It's been a while since I wrote anything since I've been rather caught up in a crazy season. I guess God's trying to tell me something sending so many different people to tell me the same thing. It's time for me to decide what I really have to do to get to the place where I'm supposed to be. Although it's going to be a long road still I've learned that I've gotta be patient in order to gain something.

Really looking for a job isn't an easy thing as it is to go work with familiar people. It takes so much and with the time I've wasted so much, there really isn't anything much for me to show in order to get in to any company that's hiring. With little or no portfolio to show, it's like telling people I want to do this but I haven't done anything. In this competitive world, it's like kissing that job goodbye. I do realize that it would take a miracle for me to get a job at this point of time and all I can do is apply and pray that God will grant me an open door to the place where He wants me to be.

With that, I will need to sacrifice a lot of other things that are a distraction and keeping me from reaching my goal. It may mean for me to let go of certain ministries and activities. I need to learn to not be so fickle minded and learn to only focus on the right things. And that's where it's hard for me to do. As much as I would love to hold on, I need to let go in order to grow. I don't want to get caught left behind again.

Some pics I've finally decided to take time to refine

titles in order (top to bottom) morning dew, lamp, before the clouds

who knew

It's been a while since I've started to think and weigh the choices and directions I have to choose, praying about what's next, and where to from here. Though time has really just passed by I'm still here with no set directions as to where to head off from here. It's just scary to see life catch up so quickly and yet I'm left behind with people looking at me and keep questioning me as to what I want to do with my life with remarks that don't sound really too pleasant to be mentioned here, the pressure is on. But honestly I don't see a clear path ahead of me, which is a problem with eyes watching from all sides carrying their own perspective of what I'm going through and judging from their point of view.

The hardest decision for me to make is whether to leave what I've done so far just to embark on another journey. the dilemma being two sides of the story. On one hand there's people talking about commitment and perseverance, and on the other hand I'm asked to do something with my life and some of it from the same people. I don't wanna be caught giving up something on the verge of a new horizon. Then you get people coming to say "See, if only you held on a little longer... this would've happened.. bla bla bla.." all that bullcrap when they were the one telling you to move along.

Man all these things that people do and find whatever excuses they can to cover or protect what they've said done to prove their own self righteousness. I'm sick and tired of waiting and hearing people who plan for something and never come around doing it. And that's one of the reasons I'm stuck in my situation. Because I've been hoping for something that will never happen like a sitting rubber duck. I'm just really tired of playing games with all that's going on. But the reality is that it's really that hard to find a direction that is certain. Cause the simple fact is, nothing is certain. and i'm about to lose it all if i don't make a step forward. Pressing on for the wrong thing just wears you out in every aspect.

Where Do I Go From Here?

It's been a while since I've done anything significant in my life, like do something and stick with it. I'm so tired of the many choices I have that's so much just confusing me. I don't know the direction as to where i should go. I sure don't want to stop learning but where will be my classroom? and who will be my teachers? Do i take a step out of this place or do i stay? All these questions have been thrown each day in hope for an answer but all i get is stillness, quietness, it's deafening if you ask, and it's making me insane. Even my communication skill has gone out the window. All i ever say just pissed people off or puts people down. Is there nothing that i do that will build people up? am i that despicable? I just wish that I would be mute if that's all i can do. I don't want to spend my life casting spit on people. If I have simply offended anyone without a thought I'm truly sorry. I guess i need to leave this place if it would make a difference. If it would bring healing. If only I would be forgotten for the stain that i have placed.

After the Game

I meant to post this up after the game but well.. lets just say i didn't have time hahah. Anyways.. the Battle was won but the war is still not over.

So did we manage to pull it off? with our lack of finish up front I still think we nailed it this time although as always it could be better :) but the team was pleased with the achievement thus far. As for now there lie no other wall for us to reach div1. Alas some of our players managed to rise to the occasion this time and was able to convert efforts to a goal; good job Indy :). And we manged to keep all our player in the field to start unlike the first game where one had to sit out for our "incorrect equipment" lolz everyone was wearing different pants.. -.- but that's fixed now.

As for our compatriots the Patriots they gave it all out but their opponents were just on a different level and rolled them over with a 7 - 1 scoreline. being the first game to be played in div2, at least they scored one with Donovan and his hockey swing taking the shot if it was on target it would be hard to block haha and lucky for that one it gave them one point a little ahead of their predecessors last year when they suffered 8 - 0 from team contact. So i think it was a worth start with also 8 goals scored but this time the '1' was from our side. All that's left is to beat Trailblazers to not finish last and i very much believe that they are capable of doing so using the advantage they have with more guys on the team compared to Trailblazers who consist of mostly girls. God help our Patriots.

All of the hype that your money can buy

So finally the hour where we face our second biggest obstacle draws closer. All the talk bout them beating us and us beating the
will finally be put to the test to see who will prevail in the battle for the top in div2 and earn the spot into div1. With our past performance showing off the lack in ability to finish it's no wonder they have such confidence in this battle. But the end is still a ways to go. Will we be able to rise to the occasion and make that finish up high or remain blunt in our attempts to beat this coming team. I hope for the former to happen and pray to God to be on our side as we take another step to move forward in our journey of floorball. Having said that the junior team will also be facing the same club we are just at a different level. It will be their first game in div2 and also the first time playing in full court for most of them. I hope and pray for the best in the outcome of both teams. And now I can sleep inpeace after having said what was on my mind.